The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (CBS) - 2006-11-07 (partial)

Channel: malgent

Transcript

Language: English (original, YouTube automatic captions)

[0:00] Ladies and gentlemen, Craig

[0:02] >> [music]

[0:02] >> Ferguson.

[0:07] >> [music]

[0:10] >> Hey, buddy, hi.

[0:13] Ha-ha, yes.

[0:15] All right, WELCOME.

[0:17] >> [music]

[0:18] [cheering]

[0:19] >> WELCOME EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO LOS

[0:21] ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.

[0:24] WELCOME TO THE LATE Late Show.

[0:26] I'm your host, Craig Ferguson. Please,

[0:28] shush. COME ON. COME ON. COME ON, SHUSH.

[0:30] COME ON, PACE YOURSELF. Sit down. Relax.

[0:32] Come on. YOU'LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS.

[0:36] YOU'LL HAVE BOB BARKER OUT OF HIS

[0:37] COFFIN. HE'LL BE AHH.

[0:39] >> [laughter]

[0:40] >> HE'S TRYING TO GET SOME REST.

[0:44] I'M ONLY KIDDING. IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT.

[0:45] Bob's out.

[0:47] >> [laughter]

[0:52] >> OH, BOB. YES.

[0:55] >> [laughter]

[0:58] >> THAT'S WHAT IT'S LIKE IN my little

[1:00] fantasy land.

[1:01] >> [laughter]

[1:03] >> It is a great day for America,

[1:04] everybody. Why is Oh, yeah, I know why.

[1:06] It's a great day because justice was

[1:08] served today in this great nation. The

[1:10] former Enron CEO, Jeffrey Skilling, he

[1:12] got 24 years in the big house. 24 years

[1:15] in jail.

[1:18] >> [applause]

[1:18] >> That's right.

[1:20] THAT'S RIGHT.

[1:21] NOW,

[1:21] NOW IN FACT, HE WILL FIND OUT WHAT IT'S

[1:23] LIKE to get screwed.

[1:26] That's right. I said it.

[1:28] If your name's Skilling, you better BE

[1:30] WILLING.

[1:32] >> [laughter]

[1:36] >> MAN, I'M THE CEO OF A COMPANY. I'm going

[1:38] to jail for 24 years.

[1:40] >> [laughter]

[1:41] >> Also a great day, the iPod is 5 years

[1:43] old today. Happy birthday, iPod. Please,

[1:45] all stop.

[1:47] >> [applause]

[1:49] >> It gets smaller every year, doesn't it,

[1:51] the iPod? Smaller. I've got one of the

[1:53] tiny tiny little pico iPods. They're

[1:55] really you know, I can't find it.

[1:59] >> [laughter]

[2:02] >> NOW, LISTEN, I WAS NOT HERE LAST WEEK. I

[2:04] DON'T know if you know, I was not here.

[2:05] I was we we were in real danger last

[2:07] week last week. Yes.

[2:16] No, I was not here last week. I was out

[2:18] traveling the world, you know, you might

[2:20] have heard about I adopted an African

[2:21] baby and

[2:24] >> [laughter]

[2:25] >> you know, I solved a lot of problems in

[2:28] other countries with my celebrity.

[2:30] >> [laughter]

[2:33] >> Anyway, I I I wasn't there. I was on

[2:35] vacation, though. I I was on vacation

[2:37] last week. I'm not allowed to tell you

[2:38] ahead of time when I go on vacation cuz

[2:40] the network is afraid you won't watch

[2:42] the reruns as opposed to not watching

[2:44] the original shows.

[2:46] >> [laughter]

[2:47] >> So, um

[2:49] So, then if you're not watching tonight,

[2:50] WOW, IT'S ALL NEW.

[2:52] >> [laughter]

[2:53] >> UH SO, BUT I AM HERE RIGHT NOW. THIS is

[2:55] an original show. Unless, of course,

[2:56] it's a rerun in the future.

[2:58] And in which case, I salute you,

[3:01] President Robot. I DON'T KNOW.

[3:04] >> [laughter]

[3:08] >> ANYWAY, LOTS OF STUFF WAS HAPPENING LAST

[3:10] week in the world and I could not

[3:11] comment on it. You know, I because and I

[3:14] think what happens is people in the

[3:15] public eye, the politicians, your

[3:17] celebrities, your you know, super chefs,

[3:20] what they do is

[3:23] Yeah, they use they use my week off to

[3:26] slip things under the wire. That's what

[3:27] they do. Like Kim Jong-il, that sneaky

[3:30] little bastard, he issued

[3:32] HE ISSUED AN APOLOGY LAST WEEK. YEAH, I

[3:35] KNEW if I leaned on him hard enough the

[3:36] week before, I knew.

[3:38] He issued an apology. We have a picture

[3:40] of him there. Like there he is. Yeah.

[3:43] Yeah, I know.

[3:44] >> [laughter]

[3:45] >> You don't I that's the guy with a

[3:46] nuclear bomb, that guy.

[3:49] >> [laughter]

[3:50] >> Anyway, he said he's very, very sorry.

[3:54] He I told him that the nuclear bomb that

[3:55] he set off it was a tiny little nuclear

[3:57] bomb. It was like a nuke nano or a

[3:59] little nuke junior.

[4:01] >> [laughter]

[4:02] >> But it seemed he's a tiny little guy. It

[4:03] seemed very big to him. THAT'S WHAT IT

[4:05] IS. YES, I'VE GOT THIS NUCLEAR BOMB.

[4:08] IT'S LIKE IN AMERICA WE USE THAT for

[4:10] mailbox pranks.

[4:12] >> [laughter]

[4:13] >> It's not a bomb.

[4:15] You crazy? LOOK, POOF.

[4:18] >> [laughter]

[4:19] >> ALL RIGHT.

[4:20] ALSO LAST WEEK PAUL McCartney

[4:22] was accused the the that divorce thing

[4:24] is getting really ugly.

[4:25] His he was accused by his ex-wife of

[4:27] being a drunk and beating her up. She

[4:29] accused Paul McCartney Paul McCartney.

[4:32] THIS IS PAUL MCCARTNEY WE'RE TALKING

[4:34] ABOUT THE CUTE BEATLE, THE NICE

[4:37] DO we have a picture of Paul McCartney?

[4:39] There he is. Yeah.

[4:41] >> [laughter]

[4:44] >> You see You can see the divorce is

[4:46] taking its toll. Look at his hair.

[4:48] >> [laughter]

[4:49] >> Yeah.

[4:54] That He's not only a Beatle, he solves

[4:56] mysteries.

[4:58] >> [laughter]

[4:59] >> What else happened? Wesley Snipes got

[5:00] into trouble last week as well. Wesley

[5:02] Snipes has not been paying his taxes.

[5:05] Wesley Snipes owes the the IRS 12.5

[5:08] million dollars.

[5:10] I know. That's what I said when I heard

[5:12] I was like

[5:13] I opened my NEWSPAPER I WENT

[5:17] >> [laughter]

[5:18] >> AND NOW I THINK I SPEAK FOR US ALL when

[5:19] I say, "When did Wesley Snipes make

[5:21] enough money to owe the IRS 12 MILLION

[5:23] DOLLARS?"

[5:26] WHERE'S MINE?

[5:29] OH MY GOD. ANYWAY,

[5:32] IN ORDER to escape apparently Wesley has

[5:34] gone to the same African country that

[5:36] Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie went to

[5:38] have their baby. You know that what's it

[5:39] called? Narnia. You know they went

[5:41] there.

[5:43] >> [laughter]

[5:44] >> Yeah, that's right. He went to the

[5:45] magical land of talking beavers. He will

[5:49] He will never come back, you know. Well,

[5:51] what could be better than keeping your

[5:52] 12 million and living amongst THE

[5:54] TALKING BEAVERS?

[5:56] >> [laughter]

[5:58] >> HEY, THERE'S ANOTHER FIVE BUCKS. TELL ME

[5:59] I'M GOOD LOOKING.

[6:00] >> [laughter]

[6:05] >> ANYWAY, SO ALL THIS HAPPENED WHILE I WAS

[6:07] ON VACATION, is what I'm saying. Now, I

[6:08] was on I when I say vacation, I was kind

[6:10] of I was kind of working as well. It's

[6:12] an immigrant vacation. It's not like a

[6:14] regular American but it's like an

[6:15] immigrant. I go somewhere else to work.

[6:17] That's what we immigrants call vacation.

[6:20] You [laughter] know, I I was doing some

[6:22] comedy shows in Boston.

[6:23] Uh I liked Boston. Very nice. I like the

[6:25] crowds. They're kind of like Scottish

[6:26] people in Boston. You know, they've got

[6:28] the same kind of reserve. That same kind

[6:30] of you go out and say, "HEY, HOW ARE YOU

[6:32] DOING?" AND THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY, HOW

[6:33] ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS?"

[6:36] >> [laughter]

[6:38] >> HEY, HOW ABOUT YOU TELL SOME JOKES,

[6:40] FUNNY MAN?

[6:41] >> [laughter]

[6:44] >> AND THAT'S IT WAS GREAT. I FELT right at

[6:46] home cuz it's got

[6:47] Boss I really did like Boston. It's a

[6:49] lovely place and they've got lots of

[6:50] young people there so they've got lots

[6:51] of public drunkenness.

[6:54] >> [laughter]

[6:55] >> Very nice. And I ate the local they have

[6:57] the food the chowder. Chowder, they call

[7:00] it.

[7:01] HAVE YOU HAD THE CHOWDER?

[7:03] >> [laughter]

[7:03] >> SOUNDS LIKE JAPANESE, DOESN'T IT? LIKE,

[7:05] "OH, HAVE A CHOWDER."

[7:07] IT'S FANTASTIC, THE CHOWDER. THOUGH,

[7:09] IT'S LOVELY. IF YOU'VE never had the

[7:10] chowder, it's like a sort of fish latte.

[7:14] >> [laughter]

[7:15] >> A big fishachino thing. It's What they

[7:18] do is they get the fish soup. It's like

[7:20] a creamy hot fish milkshake.

[7:23] And

[7:23] delicious though. As delicious as No, as

[7:26] it's great. And they serve it in the

[7:27] hollowed-out sourdough bread, which is

[7:30] very nice. It was kind I hollowed out

[7:31] some bread when I got home to try it but

[7:33] it's not the same cuz I've got slices.

[7:34] So, it's very

[7:36] shallow.

[7:37] >> [laughter]

[7:41] >> shallow kind of you know.

[7:44] Anyway, what I was doing, when I was

[7:45] there, I went out cuz I was in New

[7:47] England, I was in Boston. I went out and

[7:48] had a look around and I did the uh leaf

[7:50] peeping, you know, peeping at leaves.

[7:53] Cuz you know, when you go to New England

[7:55] in the fall and you watch the leaves

[7:56] turn in different colors, it is

[7:58] absolutely amazing. It is astonishing.

[8:00] The leaves there, they change color just

[8:02] like they do EVERYWHERE ELSE.

[8:06] >> [laughter]

[8:06] >> HAVE YOU SEEN THE LEAVES CHANGE? WHEN

[8:08] YOU FINISH YOUR CHOWDER, YOU GOT TO SEE

[8:10] THE LEAVES.

[8:12] I'VE I'VE YEAH, I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.

[8:15] >> [applause]

[8:17] >> IT'S LIKE, "NO, NO, AFTER THE CHOWDER,

[8:19] LOOK AT THE AMAZING CHANGING LEAVES."

[8:23] >> [laughter]

[8:24] >> THIS IS NOT ONLY HAPPENING IN NEW

[8:27] ENGLAND.

[8:28] >> [laughter]

[8:29] >> BUT IT'S GOOD. I MEAN, IT IS VERY GOOD.

[8:30] And cuz in LA, we don't have the We have

[8:33] two leaf colors in LA, BROWN AND ON

[8:35] FIRE.

[8:37] >> [laughter]

[8:39] >> SO I WENT I I TOOK A TOUR. I TOOK A, YOU

[8:41] KNOW, A BUS, you know, a bus full of

[8:42] senior citizens and me. We're out

[8:44] looking at leaves. Oh, yeah, look at

[8:46] that.

[8:47] Look at those LEAVES CHANGING COLOR.

[8:49] >> [laughter]

[8:50] >> IT'S LOVELY. I love the smell of Gold

[8:52] Bond medicated powder in the morning.

[8:55] Ooh, smells like autumn.

[8:57] >> [laughter]

[9:01] >> Anyway, so I'm there. I also did a

[9:03] comedy show at another place, a big

[9:05] place called the Mohegan Sun

[9:07] in Connecticut. It's a Native American

[9:09] casino in Connect right in the middle of

[9:11] the countryside. You're driving along

[9:12] the countryside, trees, trees, leaves

[9:14] changing color, leaves changing color.

[9:15] Then suddenly, boom, a big skyscraper.

[9:18] It's huge, big casino. I mean, when the

[9:20] pilgrims arrived in this new world, they

[9:22] must HAVE BEEN LIKE, "WOW, LOOK AT THE

[9:23] CASINO."

[9:25] >> [laughter]

[9:25] >> THEY CUZ YOU WOW, LOOK AT THIS THING.

[9:29] And the Native Americans, of course,

[9:30] taught them how to play blackjack.

[9:33] >> [laughter]

[9:35] >> Great spirit say, "Never hit on soft 16.

[9:39] >> [laughter]

[9:39] >> Double down on face card.

[9:43] >> So, I'm at the Mohegan Sun anyway,

[9:44] listen. And I I go to see I wanted I got

[9:47] there a day early cuz I wanted to see

[9:48] Keith Urban in concert at Mohegan cuz I

[9:51] thought he was going to be there. And I

[9:52] get there and the concert's canceled cuz

[9:55] he's gone into rehab.

[9:57] >> You didn't know?

[9:59] >> Oh, yeah. Keith Urban's in rehab. He

[10:01] went into rehab cuz I had tickets for

[10:02] the show and I'm like and they're like

[10:03] he's in rehab and I can't really say

[10:05] anything cuz you know

[10:08] and then I GO OH

[10:09] WELL, ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

[10:11] >> [laughter]

[10:12] >> AND WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? COMPLAIN?

[10:15] ANYWAY, he's in this special rehab for

[10:17] country stars, apparently. It's a

[10:21] Yeah, it's a it's a two-step program,

[10:23] YOU KNOW.

[10:30] THERE YOU GO.

[10:32] I AIN'T NEVER going to drink again.

[10:36] >> [laughter]

[10:39] >> Anyway, Keith has been having trouble,

[10:41] apparently. I didn't know this, but he's

[10:42] been having trouble with the booze and

[10:43] the cocaine. I thought country music is

[10:46] meant to be about line dancing, not line

[10:48] snorting. WHAT'S GOING ON?

[10:50] >> [laughter]

[10:51] >> THE COUNTRY musicians are different from

[10:53] uh Hollywood, you know, when they're

[10:54] doing the cocaine. Country musicians

[10:55] they uh snort the coke through a one $1

[10:58] bill rolled up.

[11:00] >> [laughter]

[11:01] >> Cuz they like to be amongst the people,

[11:03] you know.

[11:04] I always thought the most abused

[11:06] substance in country music was gravy and

[11:08] I WAS WRONG.

[11:09] >> [laughter]

[11:12] >> DO YOU EVER IN COUNTRY MUSIC,

[11:13] WILLIE NELSON and and Toby Keith did a

[11:16] song

[11:17] "Whiskey for my men, BEER FOR MY

[11:19] HORSES."

[11:21] >> [laughter]

[11:22] >> YOU SHOULDN'T BE GIVING BEER TO YOUR

[11:24] HORSES.

[11:25] THAT'S IT. YOU'D GET THE TRANSPORTATION

[11:27] DRUNK.

[11:29] THAT'S LIKE GETTING IN CAR DRUNK.

[11:32] >> [laughter]

[11:32] >> ANYWAY, THE KEITH URBAN concert was

[11:34] canceled and people were complaining.

[11:35] They're like, you know, how come he got

[11:37] a rehab after the show? Couldn't he go

[11:39] after the show? I mean, he can SING A

[11:41] FEW SONGS THEN GO AFTER the show. And

[11:42] I'm thinking, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[11:44] Listen, trust me. I have been to rehab.

[11:47] When it's time to go, go.

[11:50] Go. It's kind of like It's kind of like

[11:53] you really have to go to the bathroom.

[11:55] If you wait a second, there's going to

[11:57] be trouble. You know what I mean?

[11:59] That's like rehab and and it's probably

[12:01] going to involve your pants.

[12:04] So, good luck, Keith. Get well soon.

[12:06] All the best to you.

[12:08] Have we got a BIG SHOW TONIGHT?

[12:09] >> [cheering]

[12:10] >> MARIA BELLO IS HERE.

[12:12] DEREK LUKE IS HERE. ROBIN THICKE IS

[12:14] HERE. We'll be right back.

[12:16] >> [music]

[12:16] [cheering]

[12:24] >> The Late Late Show with Craig [music]

[12:26] Ferguson sponsored by Chevrolet.

[12:30] America's brand, Chevy, an American

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[14:07] >> Tonight on the Late Show, Dave's [music]

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[15:43] >> She's 18, he's her 40-year-old sugar

[15:46] daddy.

[15:46] >> [music]

[15:46] >> Next, Dr. Phil.

[15:55] >> [cheering]

[15:58] [music]

[16:01] >> Welcome back.

[16:02] WELL, WELL, WELCOME BACK, MY NAUGHTY

[16:04] DONKEYS.

[16:06] OH, YEAH. [screaming]

[16:08] THAT'S RIGHT.

[16:10] DON'T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN. OKAY, YOU

[16:12] MADE ME.

[16:17] >> [laughter]

[16:19] >> UH, BUSINESS AS USUAL.

[16:26] >> [laughter]

[16:31] [laughter]

[16:33] >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.

[16:36] HANG ON, I'll be right with you. I'll be

[16:38] right with you. Be patient. I'll be

[16:40] right with you. I just have to check my

[16:41] voicemail.

[16:51] >> You have one new message.

[16:55] >> Hey, it's Chuck from Tattoo Land. I have

[16:57] you coming in here tomorrow at 2:00, but

[16:59] I forgot which Powerpuff Girl you wanted

[17:01] tattooed on your ass.

[17:02] CALL [laughter] ME.

[17:08] >> KIND OF I WAS GOING TO GET BUBBLES, YOU

[17:10] KNOW, UH

[17:11] Bubbles or I can't remember the other

[17:13] one, uh Corky. Uh

[17:15] Get one on each cheek. Bubbles on one

[17:16] side, Corkey on the other, you know.

[17:18] >> [laughter]

[17:21] >> HEY, DID YOU DO DID YOU WATCH THE

[17:23] AMAZING RACE? Did you see the I love The

[17:25] Amazing Race. Here Here, take a look at

[17:26] this. This is a Here it is. Is this a Is

[17:29] this it? That there.

[17:31] Yeah.

[17:32] >> I'm nervous. I'm scared today but

[17:35] maybe Steven Seagal will see me and put

[17:37] me in one OF HIS MOVIES.

[17:40] >> [laughter]

[17:42] >> YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO BE HONEST, that

[17:44] scares me, too.

[17:45] >> [laughter]

[17:47] >> You know, that maybe Steven Seagal will

[17:48] see me and put me in one of his movies.

[17:51] >> [laughter]

[17:52] >> That's why we sneak this program out in

[17:54] the middle of the night.

[17:56] It's my own safety.

[17:58] You know what I like as well? Do you

[17:59] watch the America's Next Top Model? With

[18:01] with Oh gosh, I love it. With Tyra. I

[18:03] like Tyra. Watch this.

[18:06] >> I think your eyes could still have more

[18:09] life. [music]

[18:10] >> You know, Beyoncé is always

[18:13] She doesn't go like this.

[18:17] >> [laughter]

[18:22] >> Okay, many people were looking at Tyra's

[18:23] eyes.

[18:24] >> [laughter]

[18:31] >> I WAS CUZ I'M DIFFERENT FROM other men.

[18:34] >> [laughter]

[18:37] >> I'm like

[18:40] Now listen, a lot of people don't know

[18:42] this but Prince Charles in the UK, he's

[18:45] not only the Prince of Wales but he's

[18:46] also the king of late night television

[18:48] in the UK. Let's take a look now at

[18:51] Prince Charles's BBC late night show.

[18:52] Let's take a look at this.

[18:55] >> Live from Buckingham Palace, it's The

[18:58] Rather Late Programme with Prince

[19:00] Charles.

[19:02] Brought to you by Meat Pie. It's like

[19:05] regular pie, only awful.

[19:07] Ladies and gentlemen, the king of late

[19:10] night.

[19:13] >> [cheering]

[19:19] [applause]

[19:20] >> HELLO!

[19:21] HI!

[19:23] HEY, HEY, ALL RIGHT.

[19:26] WOOF TO THE DAISY.

[19:27] >> [laughter]

[19:28] >> HEY, I'm sorry I am a bit late. I was

[19:31] stuck in a meeting with my tax

[19:32] accountant Wednesday night.

[19:35] >> [laughter]

[19:41] >> I'm joking, of course. I don't pay

[19:43] taxes.

[19:46] I live off yours.

[19:48] >> [laughter]

[19:49] >> Now, listen, speaking of love, speaking

[19:52] of love, yeah, why not?

[19:54] Paul McCartney's divorce has turned

[19:56] rather nasty.

[19:58] I feel sorry for Sir Paul, not because

[20:01] he married that crazy one-legged hooker,

[20:03] BUT BECAUSE

[20:05] WHAT? [laughter]

[20:05] NO, BECAUSE HE'S ONLY WON 528 million

[20:09] pounds.

[20:10] >> [laughter]

[20:12] >> Poverty is so unpleasant.

[20:15] >> [laughter]

[20:18] >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[20:22] HEY, ANYWAY

[20:23] >> [laughter]

[20:24] >> HEY, ANYWAY, YOU KNOW, lately

[20:27] environmentalists have encouraged me to

[20:29] get one of those hybrids. You know, I

[20:31] don't know much about hybrids, but my

[20:34] family is full of inbreds.

[20:37] >> [laughter]

[20:38] >> Okay, let's just end this with a joke,

[20:39] gentlemen.

[20:41] >> [music]

[20:49] >> HELLO! HELLO!

[20:51] HELLO, MY scrappy little serfs.

[20:56] >> [laughter]

[20:58] >> It was you again. What What happened to

[21:00] the tall blonde one from last time?

[21:03] He had lovely beautiful blue eyes.

[21:05] >> [laughter]

[21:06] >> Don't be jealous. You've got a nicer

[21:08] bum.

[21:11] I think you might have some kind of

[21:12] booger.

[21:13] >> [laughter]

[21:15] >> Booger. That's right. I said it. Booger.

[21:19] >> [laughter]

[21:22] >> We've time for parchment. All right, one

[21:24] parchment. There we go. All right. Uh

[21:26] let's see.

[21:27] More of parchment. Let's see.

[21:29] Hm.

[21:30] This is from uh Beatrice in Gloucester.

[21:34] There you go.

[21:35] Uh

[21:35] >> [laughter]

[21:36] >> Beatrice has difference, Charles. How do

[21:39] you keep fit? WELL, WELL, BEATRICE, what

[21:43] I do a lot of yoga.

[21:45] Yoga. Yes.

[21:47] Yoga, the ancient mystical stretching

[21:50] exercises make it easy for me to keep my

[21:52] head UP MY ASS.

[21:56] NOW, IT

[21:57] >> [laughter]

[22:00] >> NOW, IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF OUR MOST

[22:02] enjoyable segments, Prince Walking.

[22:06] >> Prince [music] Walking.

[22:11] >> [music and applause]

[22:12] >> Hey. Hey. Hey, do you want to play a

[22:14] game?

[22:15] >> Yeah, what?

[22:16] >> All right. Halloween's coming up, all

[22:18] right? So, here's a question.

[22:21] What sleeps all day and then goes out at

[22:24] night and it has really scary teeth?

[22:28] >> Uh I've no idea. I'm sorry.

[22:30] >> All right. Well, well, uh they don't

[22:31] really do anything. They sort of just

[22:34] live off of everybody else. They're

[22:36] parasites. They suck the very blood from

[22:39] you. You know, and they're really

[22:41] creepy.

[22:42] >> Uh I've got it. I've got it. I've got

[22:43] it. It's the royal family, isn't it?

[22:47] >> Yeah.

[22:48] No, it was uh vampires.

[22:52] >> [laughter]

[22:53] >> That's uh that's kind of what I was

[22:55] thinking.

[22:57] >> [laughter]

[23:01] >> Well, I AM

[23:03] OH, THAT'S OF TIME. WE HAVE TO GO

[23:05] EVERYONE. JOIN ME TOMORROW when my guest

[23:08] will be her majesty the queen Elton

[23:10] John.

[23:14] >> [music]

[23:21] [music]

[23:26] >> When my dry contacts bother me, I

[23:27] [music] just can't go on with my day.

[23:29] All the rubbing, the blinking, the

[23:30] drops. My doctor told me that only

[23:32] ACUVUE OASYS has HYDRACLEAR PLUS so the

[23:34] lens stays moist.

[23:35] >> Wow, it feels like it disappeared on my

[23:38] eye.

[23:38] >> For a free trial pass certificate,

[23:39] [music] go to acuvueoasys.com.

[23:51] >> Eight films to die for. Horrorfest,

[23:53] [music] November 17th through 19th at a

[23:55] theater near you.

[24:06] >> [music]

[24:12] >> New Theraflu Warming Relief.

[24:15] The power of Theraflu in a unique

[24:17] warming syrup to soothe and comfort.

[24:21] Theraflu, good to be back.

[24:23] >> [music]

[24:29] >> Tap the can ladies for a single you can

[24:31] mingle. There's my double cheeseburger

[24:33] and my sweet sundae.

[24:35] I

[24:36] love hot french fries. Top it off with a

[24:39] parfait.

[24:42] That'll work.

[24:43] >> Now's the time to take advantage of the

[24:45] McDonald's dollar menu.

[24:46] >> Food for my party?

[24:48] Busted.

[24:49] >> From parfaits to fries to double

[24:51] cheeseburgers. [music]

[24:53] >> Where's my parfait, homie?

[24:58] >> [bell]

[25:12] >> Y'all ready to order?

[25:15] And y'all ready to check me out in the

[25:17] amazing picture clarity of DirecTV HD?

[25:20] It's [music] broadcast in 1080i. I

[25:22] totally don't know what that means, but

[25:24] I want it.

[25:25] >> For the best in HD, get DirecTV.

[25:27] >> Wednesday

[25:27] >> There will be an explosion. A bomb.

[25:29] People will die.

[25:31] >> A bomber

[25:32] >> This is only the beginning.

[25:33] >> with a short fuse.

[25:34] >> You're all going to be very busy.

[25:36] >> And he's really

[25:37] >> There's another bomb at the post office.

[25:39] >> Really?

[25:39] >> We're chasing this guy. We got to do

[25:41] something to get ahead of him.

[25:42] >> Turn it off.

[25:43] >> STOP THE CAR.

[25:44] >> There is a bomb under your seat.

[25:45] >> New Criminal Minds, then Deadly

[25:47] Paintball Wars, a CSI Stalker

[25:50] >> Hey.

[25:50] >> And did we mention aliens?

[25:52] >> It texts you so they can't read your

[25:53] mind.

[25:54] >> We're good.

[25:55] >> A new CSI: New York, Wednesday.

[25:57] >> carsoup.com is the only automotive

[25:59] website where you can get local prices

[26:01] on actual vehicles from local dealers.

[26:04] Find daily specials on new and used

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[26:17] With all these great dealers on CarSoup,

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[26:28] >> Subway restaurants has eight delicious

[26:29] sandwiches with 6 g of fat or less. At

[26:31] McDonald's, they have a great selection

[26:33] of sandwiches, too. But if you get rid

[26:35] of everything with more than 6 g of fat,

[26:36] you're not left with much.

[26:39] Not much at all.

[26:40] Subway, eat fresh.

[26:43] Subway restaurants has eight delicious

[26:44] sandwiches with 6 g of fat or less. Now,

[26:47] this BK Stackers has 54 g of fat. That's

[26:49] more fat than in all eight of these

[26:51] Subway sandwiches combined.

[26:53] Burger King's crowning achievement.

[26:55] >> [music]

[26:56] >> Subway, eat fresh.

[27:01] >> [music]

[27:06] >> Welcome back. Welcome back, MY FRISKY

[27:08] LITTLE PONIES.

[27:12] >> [laughter]

[27:18] [screaming]

[27:20] [laughter]

[27:23] >> MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS A VERY LOVELY

[27:24] and charming young woman. She's a Golden

[27:26] Globe nominee. She stars in the new

[27:28] family film, Flicka, which is in

[27:30] theaters now. Take a look at this.

[27:32] >> I see these kids are hanging out at the

[27:34] mall. They're sullen. They're lazy.

[27:37] Got no ambition. Got no dreams.

[27:39] This is the only way that I know how to

[27:42] save our children.

[27:43] >> Honey, Howard doesn't need saving. He'll

[27:45] be fine wherever he goes.

[27:47] But Katie, honey, we could lose her.

[27:50] She's

[27:51] smart and she's strong, but she can't

[27:53] survive out there. [music]

[27:55] >> Our daughter lives in a fantasy land.

[27:57] >> So do you.

[27:59] Look at you, sitting on top of Cowboy

[28:01] Mountain, looking down at the world

[28:02] passing by. [music]

[28:04] When are you going to look at your

[28:05] daughter and realize that she's you?

[28:10] >> Wow. Please welcome Maria Bello,

[28:12] everybody.

[28:14] >> [cheering]

[28:15] [music]

[28:18] [applause]

[28:23] [music]

[28:25] [applause]

[28:26] >> Hello, Maria.

[28:28] >> Hello. Hello, darling. It's just lovely

[28:30] to see you. I like your

[28:31] >> Thank you enough for for finding my

[28:33] Halloween costume.

[28:34] >> Yeah, yeah. I I give you a little card

[28:35] for for coming to the show.

[28:37] >> this for me?

[28:38] >> Yeah, yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

[28:39] >> I'm going to be a pirate wench for wench

[28:41] for Halloween, but I don't I don't have

[28:42] the I don't have the

[28:43] >> Well, I don't know.

[28:44] >> things that you have.

[28:46] >> This is LA. There's ways around We got

[28:48] the technology, we can help you.

[28:50] >> [laughter]

[28:51] >> Oh good, I like this thing.

[28:52] >> Thank you.

[28:53] >> It's lovely.

[28:54] >> Max Mara, little stretchy something.

[28:56] >> What is it?

[28:56] >> Max Mara, it's a designer.

[28:58] >> Is it really? Max Mara, it sounds like a

[29:00] superhero.

[29:02] >> [laughter]

[29:04] >> Gangsters around, call Max Mara, HE'S ON

[29:05] THE WAY.

[29:06] >> [laughter]

[29:07] >> SOMEONE'S FABULOUS, THAT could be his

[29:09] catchphrase.

[29:11] It's Max MARA, SOMEONE'S FABULOUS.

[29:14] WHY NOT?

[29:15] >> OH, the people from Max [applause] Mara

[29:16] have to see that, that was good.

[29:17] >> Yeah, yeah, I know that would be good.

[29:18] Do you wear a lot of the designer

[29:20] clothes? You're a big movie star now,

[29:21] aren't you?

[29:21] >> I like the designer clothes.

[29:22] >> Do you really? You're a fashion maven,

[29:25] that's what they call them, mavens,

[29:26] fashion mavens.

[29:27] >> fashion maven, not quite. You know, I

[29:29] live in Venice, I live in T-shirt and

[29:31] jeans half the time, so

[29:32] >> Right.

[29:32] >> I I like to be Cinderella sometimes.

[29:34] >> Well, well, you're doing a very good job

[29:36] at it as well, if you don't mind my

[29:37] saying so. So, tell me about the Flicker

[29:39] film, what's that about then? Is it like

[29:41] a bunch of guys going to run and shoot

[29:42] up the joint?

[29:43] >> It's about horses.

[29:45] >> Yeah? Is it about a pony?

[29:47] >> No, it's about It's about

[29:49] kind of. It's a wild mustang horse that

[29:52] >> A wild mustang horse?

[29:53] >> falls in love with. It's like falling in

[29:56] love, but she falls in love with a

[29:57] horse.

[29:58] It's a lot easier than falling in love

[29:59] with a man,

[30:00] I feel.

[30:02] It's a lot less complicated.

[30:03] >> Really?

[30:04] >> In my opinion.

[30:05] Um

[30:05] >> I think this whole interspecies thing is

[30:08] very

[30:09] >> [laughter]

[30:10] >> It's a sensitive area for many people.

[30:15] So, this You you don't fall in love with

[30:17] a horse, or you just you just quite like

[30:19] a horse.

[30:20] >> No, I wasn't falling in love with the

[30:20] horse, but I fell in love with the horse

[30:22] in real life.

[30:22] >> Did you really?

[30:23] >> I did. I've always had this bizarre fear

[30:25] of horses. I was I I always felt like I

[30:27] couldn't control them, so I got nervous

[30:29] when I got on a horse, but

[30:30] >> Right.

[30:30] >> they sent me to cowboy camp, and I

[30:32] >> For for the movie, you had to learn how

[30:33] to ride a horse?

[30:34] >> Yeah, they sent me to cowboy camp, and I

[30:35] had this cowboy called Monty,

[30:38] and Monty wore spurs and talked real

[30:40] slow,

[30:41] >> Yeah.

[30:41] >> and he helped me under the horse.

[30:43] >> And um he taught me how to ride.

[30:45] >> this cowboy camp? I feel [laughter] I

[30:46] should visit.

[30:49] >> Do you wear spurs?

[30:50] >> I do. I'm wearing them now.

[30:51] >> Cuz I I only like them with spurs these

[30:53] days.

[30:53] >> What do you do? I I'm just I am

[30:55] interested in riding horses. I like

[30:57] riding horses.

[30:57] >> I do ride horses, yeah.

[30:59] >> It's Is it

[30:59] >> I just jump out of the fields and get on

[31:01] randomly.

[31:02] >> [laughter]

[31:03] >> Just stop your car where you

[31:04] >> Yeah, yeah. I stop I sometimes I see one

[31:05] and I go, "YOU!" VROOM VROOM VROOM AND I

[31:06] RUN OVER. BOOM!

[31:08] LET'S GO!

[31:09] AND I JUST GO NUTS. And then I I'm with

[31:11] That's why I wear my spurs at all times.

[31:14] >> [laughter]

[31:15] >> It's a good idea to

[31:15] >> Do you enjoy the cowboy stuff? Do you

[31:17] like cowboys?

[31:17] >> I do. I like the whole cowboy thing. I I

[31:20] realized finally after 3 days of not

[31:22] being able to get my seat, I had bruises

[31:24] on my

[31:24] >> seat. That's when you sit in the horse.

[31:26] >> Yeah, when you get your So you're not

[31:27] bouncing up and down. You don't have

[31:28] black and blue marks on your ass.

[31:30] >> Mhm.

[31:30] >> Am I allowed to say that? Ass?

[31:32] >> Uh yeah, why not?

[31:34] >> Yeah, okay.

[31:34] >> [laughter]

[31:35] >> Um and I realized there was this fine

[31:37] line between surrender and control,

[31:39] which you have to figure out when you're

[31:41] riding a horse.

[31:41] >> still talking about the horse or we

[31:42] talking about the cowboy guy that helped

[31:44] you on and

[31:46] What's What's going on?

[31:48] >> [cheering]

[31:48] >> I'm sensing

[31:50] I'm sensing in you I'm sensing I know

[31:52] you and I'm sensing you a little bit of

[31:54] attraction for this man that helped you

[31:56] on and off the horse. This whole way of

[31:57] life that's wearing a hat. Yeah. Monty

[31:59] the cowboy.

[32:00] >> No, I was He He knew how to straddle the

[32:03] line, you know what I mean?

[32:04] >> Oh, yes, I do.

[32:08] >> Not like that.

[32:09] >> We have to take a break. Yeah, you okay

[32:10] with that?

[32:11] >> Yeah, I'm good.

[32:11] >> All right. We're going to take a break.

[32:12] We'll be right back with Maria Bello and

[32:14] >> [music]

[32:26] >> If you thought being a penguin was hard,

[32:30] >> WHO IS THIS FOOL?

[32:32] >> think again.

[32:33] On November 17th [music]

[32:35] like

[32:35] >> party?

[32:36] >> You guys are soft in the head.

[32:37] >> Don't be so snooty booty.

[32:39] >> GET HAPPY.

[32:41] >> I will retire now to my couch of

[32:43] perpetual indulgence.

[32:45] >> Turn to the penguin next to you and give

[32:47] him a hug.

[32:48] >> May be feed rated PG.

[32:50] >> What you hugging me for?

[32:51] >> He told me to.

[32:52] >> Get away.

[32:52] >> Now you like it.

[32:53] >> In theaters and IMAX November 17th.

[32:55] >> I have high blood pressure.

[32:57] But I was surprised to find out it might

[32:59] lead to erectile [music] dysfunction.

[33:01] >> You think you know everything about

[33:02] diabetes, but no one ever told me it

[33:04] could lead to ED.

[33:06] >> So I talked to my doctor.

[33:08] He said that certain health conditions

[33:09] like high blood pressure or diabetes may

[33:12] lead to ED and that Levitra can help.

[33:15] >> Doctors know Levitra [music] works for

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[33:21] sexual activity. If you have heart

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[33:25] talk to your doctor before taking

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[33:45] >> Talking to my doctor [music] took a lot

[33:46] off my mind. You should talk to your

[33:48] doctor about Levitra.

[33:50] >> The more you know about ED, the more

[33:52] you'll want to know about Levitra.

[33:55] >> I couldn't quite believe it. One little

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[34:01] The problem was it came back.

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[34:18] >> When heartburn breaks through, try new

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[34:23] coupon in this Sunday's paper.

[34:28] >> One was horrifying. What is two?

[34:31] >> Possible serial killer.

[34:33] >> A new CSI. Then, Shark and his team of

[34:35] prosecutors are after a child predator.

[34:38] >> Don't make this personal.

[34:39] >> When I want your advice on a case, I'll

[34:40] stop by skating in hell and I'll ask for

[34:42] it.

[34:42] >> A new episode of Shark after CSI,

[34:44] Thursday.

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[35:21] >> On your wedding [music] day, it's all

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[35:26] Her dress,

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[35:31] But, when everyone is looking at her,

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[36:21] >> [music]

[36:24] >> But, SOME MAYBE.

[36:27] WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.

[36:29] I'M HERE with the lovely Maria Bello. We

[36:30] were just talking about What were we

[36:31] talking about? Men being intimidated by

[36:33] you. That Well, that's what we were

[36:35] talking about in the break. I'm not

[36:37] intimidated by you in any way, shape, or

[36:39] form.

[36:40] I don't know. I Do you think Do you

[36:42] think that Well,

[36:46] No, they're not They're not scared

[36:48] They're not scared of anybody.

[36:49] >> Well, I'm just not sure. I I I have the

[36:51] most abysmal dating life.

[36:53] >> Yeah, I find that slightly hard to

[36:55] believe. It must be through choice or

[36:56] something.

[36:57] >> It's true. For For 2 and 1/2 years I've

[36:59] been on maybe two dates. Maybe that's

[37:02] true.

[37:02] >> Really?

[37:03] >> But But I was

[37:04] >> to get yourself one of them MySpace

[37:05] pages.

[37:07] >> I heard ABOUT THAT.

[37:08] >> WOW!

[37:09] >> [cheering]

[37:11] >> I'VE HEARD OF IT.

[37:11] >> AMERICA IS GETTING ITS freak on on

[37:14] MySpace, girlfriend. You got to do it.

[37:16] >> on MySpace?

[37:17] >> Oh, I've got about five pages.

[37:20] Yeah, why not? Yeah.

[37:22] >> I actually said to a friend of mine,

[37:23] this is a couple of months ago. We were

[37:25] at a party and he's like an acquaintance

[37:27] friend. We're having drinks across the

[37:29] table and I looked at him and I said,

[37:30] "Do you want to make out?"

[37:32] And he [laughter] said,

[37:34] He said, "No, I don't want to make out."

[37:36] >> Is he gay?

[37:37] >> "Why?" And he said, "Aren't we supposed

[37:39] to date or something?" And I said, "No,

[37:40] I don't want to date you. I JUST WANT TO

[37:42] KISS YOU."

[37:44] And that was the end of my sort of overt

[37:47] thing trying

[37:47] >> Well, maybe maybe men aren't intimidated

[37:49] by you. Maybe they just think you're

[37:51] clinically insane.

[37:52] >> [laughter]

[37:54] >> That could be.

[37:55] >> What are you going to do?

[37:55] >> That's not a way to approach a man, is

[37:56] it?

[37:56] >> What? Do you want to make out? Damn

[37:58] straight it is.

[38:00] >> [laughter]

[38:00] >> YES, IT IS. YOU WALK right up there and

[38:03] you say what you want. You say, "I want

[38:05] to make out and and a half of your stuff

[38:07] in the long term."

[38:08] >> It didn't work.

[38:10] >> It didn't work?

[38:10] >> No.

[38:11] >> He didn't make out with you?

[38:12] >> No.

[38:13] >> Is he gay?

[38:14] >> No.

[38:15] >> Then I got nothing. I don't know why he

[38:17] wouldn't do that. [laughter]

[38:18] He might He's either, you know, he must

[38:19] be an idiot of some sort.

[38:21] >> Okay, I'll tell him next time I see him.

[38:23] >> Yeah, yeah, you should. I I think you

[38:24] probably know better. He's going to hear

[38:25] about it now, isn't he?

[38:26] >> Yeah.

[38:27] >> Yeah. Is he big and muscular?

[38:28] >> Yep.

[38:29] >> Oh, oh.

[38:31] Hey, what you doing for the for the

[38:33] Halloween thing with Jack? Cuz I I know

[38:35] your son as well. He's

[38:36] >> We're going to be a pirate family.

[38:38] >> Oh, really? Pirate family?

[38:39] >> Yeah, I really am going for the wench

[38:40] look.

[38:41] >> Well, the pirate wench look. This is

[38:42] This is going to be you? Can you get

[38:43] your hair like that?

[38:44] >> Yeah, I think so.

[38:45] >> my hair like that?

[38:48] >> And Jack's going to be Jack Sparrow.

[38:50] You know.

[38:51] >> that's nice. Yeah, yeah. No, and