The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson (CBS) - 2009-05-11

Channel: malgent

Transcript

Language: English (original, YouTube automatic captions)

[0:07] OO,

[0:31] I don't know why that makes me so happy.

[0:35] I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT makes me so happy,

[0:37] but it really does.

[0:40] OH DEAR. OH, I DO BEG YOUR PARDON. Oh

[0:54] yeah. Well, it's crap, BUT IT'S FREE.

[1:03] AND THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER.

[1:04] And you know what? I actually just

[1:06] before uh you got here, while you were

[1:07] still watching, Dave, wasn't he good

[1:09] tonight? Oo.

[1:13] Yeah, he was he was good tonight. I

[1:16] Well, I was one of the ladies in the

[1:18] audience has got a pair of boots on. I

[1:20] could hardly take my eyes off them. So

[1:21] they're so shiny

[1:24] over there.

[1:28] I mean, how are you meant to work?

[1:31] How you meant to concentrate? You walk

[1:33] out and you see a pair of shiny boots

[1:34] like that, you're like, oo.

[1:43] And I'm thinking to myself,

[1:45] I don't know whether I want to get to

[1:47] know her or get me a pair of those

[1:48] boots.

[1:51] And I suppose that means I'm European.

[1:59] You know, I I've had a bit of a bad day

[2:01] today, but from now on, it's going to be

[2:04] fantastic.

[2:13] That's right. Go ahead and laugh. GO

[2:16] AHEAD AND LAUGH at my dreams. Go ahead

[2:17] and laugh at my daily affirmation, you

[2:19] bastards.

[2:22] Every day, in every way, I'm getting

[2:23] BETTER AND BETTER.

[2:26] NO, YOU'RE NOT. YOU LOSER.

[2:39] >> The Lake Late Show with Craig Ferguson,

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[3:49] >> Well, I was down on my luck. I was

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[3:53] claim. I was singing the blues till I

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[4:04] with insurance. I get animated. Yeah.

[4:09] Yeah. Yeah. I get animated. Yeah. Yeah.

[4:14] Yeah. I get animated.

[4:19] >> Tonight on an allnew Dave, catch Alec

[4:22] Baldwin. And later this week, don't miss

[4:24] Robin Williams, Terry Hatcher, and kid

[4:26] scientists. This week on the Late Show.

[4:29] >> It's my last night in town. I want to

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[4:32] >> How about the deli?

[4:33] >> We were just there for lunch.

[4:35] >> So they can't make dinner.

[4:37] >> Dex, I want to find a nice restaurant.

[4:39] >> And in the neighborhood.

[4:40] >> And in the neighborhood.

[4:41] >> Bernac's on Bayside Drive. Reviewers

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[4:45] >> Yes.

[4:46] >> And not too late.

[4:47] >> Dinner service starts at 4:30.

[4:48] >> I get cranky when I eat late.

[4:50] >> He does. He gets cranky.

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[6:03] It's up. It's been a long long day and

[6:06] you got the sad man as you know. Hang

[6:09] on. Leave the TV on and let's do it

[6:13] anyway.

[6:14] It's okay.

[6:16] Tomorrow's just your future.

[6:21] >> Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Ferguson.

[6:24] >> Yeah. Hey.

[6:26] Yeah, I did it.

[6:34] California. Welcome to the late night

[6:35] show.

[6:37] Thank you.

[6:40] Thank you. That's enough. Thank you.

[6:44] Thank you very much. Thank you very much

[6:47] for that completely genuine applause.

[6:50] In no way did it sound like you had been

[6:52] professionally warmed.

[6:55] Luckily, I have also been professionally

[6:57] warmed.

[7:02] Then I CAME TO WORK.

[7:08] IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR AMERICA, EVERYBODY.

[7:09] It is. Yeah, it is.

[7:12] >> No, it is because well, for many

[7:15] reasons. One is because uh Joan Rivers

[7:17] won the Celebrity Apprentice. Do you

[7:19] see? Yeah. Live on the finale. Yeah.

[7:21] Well done, Joan. Now, some people say

[7:23] that that show is all about product

[7:24] placement, and I think we know that

[7:26] product is Botox. But the Now, I

[7:29] Congratulations, Joan. And she was

[7:30] delighted to win. You could see it

[7:32] written all over her face. She was like,

[7:40] I'm delighted.

[7:43] Also, congratulations to Boy George who

[7:45] got released from prison today after

[7:46] serving 4 months.

[7:53] Boy George said the experience was

[7:55] humiliating, rough, and degrading, and

[7:56] he can't wait to go back. Uh, now this

[7:59] is a very important day. This is a very

[8:02] important day in art history. It's

[8:04] Salvador Dolly's birthday today.

[8:06] Salvador Dolly WAS BORN. YEAH. WAY.

[8:08] LET'S HEAR IT FOR DOLLY.

[8:15] WOO. DOLLY.

[8:16] FAMOUS for He's famous for painting the

[8:19] dripping clocks and the giant eggs. We

[8:21] have a picture OF DOLLY. THAT'S DOLLY.

[8:23] YOU FOOL. That's Dolly.

[8:28] Also famous for giant eggs. I want to

[8:30] know that the picture of the real

[8:32] Salvador Dolly. There you are. There he

[8:34] is. Oh,

[8:37] you see that guy again? Look at that. If

[8:39] you don't want to make out with him,

[8:40] you'd lose an eye.

[8:43] Salvador Dolly, of course, is one of the

[8:45] was one of the founding fathers of

[8:47] surrealism. Now, surrealism is the kind

[8:49] of art that features the element of

[8:51] surprise and random nonsequittors.

[8:58] I've been to the Salvador Deli Museum in

[9:00] Spain. I've been to it. It's not hard to

[9:03] find. What you you drive into the

[9:04] Spanish countryside in the desert and

[9:06] you're driving then on the horizon you

[9:07] see a golden egg floating in the sky and

[9:10] you think I think that's probably the

[9:11] Deli Museum

[9:14] or somebody put acid in my tapus. But

[9:16] it's I've also read Salvador Dolly's

[9:20] autobiography. He's got very strange

[9:21] writing style. It's all in the third

[9:23] person. And he's like, he writes, "Dally

[9:25] makes a painting. Dolly takes a crap."

[9:27] Dolly

[9:29] Dolly cannot decide which is more

[9:31] artistic, painting or crap. Dolly also,

[9:34] for some strange reason, has weird

[9:36] accent from what the hell accent is

[9:39] this? Dolly got crazy accent. This

[9:43] sounds like he's in a Marx Brothers

[9:45] movie.

[9:46] DOLLY LIKES THE TWO FRUY ICE CREAM.

[9:51] ANYWAY,

[9:53] I love art is what I'm saying.

[9:55] Surrealist or otherwise. This weekend I

[9:57] went to an art auction and I enjoyed it.

[9:58] It was the mocha show at the uh Geffin.

[10:01] Yeah, I don't know what that means. It's

[10:02] a lot of artiness. Anyway, I enjoyed it.

[10:04] Now, usually when you go out in LA, you

[10:06] see the people who are everybody's all

[10:08] dressed up like they're going to the

[10:09] gym, but they're not really going to the

[10:11] gym. That's just how they're dressed.

[10:13] But when I went to this art show, I was

[10:14] very happy to be around genuine weirdos

[10:16] who dressed apart. You know, there was

[10:18] guys in purple suits all like that and

[10:20] everything with those tiny little

[10:22] glasses that are actually smaller than

[10:23] their eyes. I, you know, they're very

[10:26] kind of looking at art with their little

[10:28] tiny beards and everything. I love this

[10:31] now. It bores me already.

[10:35] OH, WHAT I WANT is some ice cream.

[10:40] And it was a silent auction. What you do

[10:42] is you walk around, you see a piece a

[10:44] piece of art you like, you write your

[10:46] name on a little bit of paper and how

[10:47] much you pay. By the time I was done,

[10:49] let me tell you this. Conan O'Brien had

[10:51] spent a lot of money on some very bad

[10:54] art.

[10:55] WHO WAS THE LATE NIGHT GUY? REALLY?

[10:58] YEAH.

[11:05] AH, YES. Thank you, Ginger Wig.

[11:08] Anyway, yeah, it's hard to sign good art

[11:10] and bad art. What is bad art? It's very

[11:12] hard. I I know bad art when I see it. In

[11:14] fact, bad art is right here tonight. Say

[11:16] hi, Bad Art. There he is. Oh, he's so

[11:18] bad.

[11:33] Don't know why, but I love him.

[11:41] I'm going to tell that kid's parents

[11:42] that's what we do to him. I tell you, I

[11:45] Anyway, I'm at this art auction. We It

[11:47] had all sorts of stuff. It's got tiny

[11:49] little paintings, you know, uh metal

[11:50] sculptures, strange video installations.

[11:53] And then I saw this I saw this tray of

[11:54] mini burgers. I'm thinking, is this art

[11:56] or is it, you know, the buffet?

[12:00] I wasn't sure. I started eating it

[12:02] anyway. I was eating it. People were

[12:03] gathering around, guys and little beards

[12:05] looking at me and everything.

[12:07] Yes, this is art. I call it greedy

[12:09] bastardon mini burgers

[12:13] or prelude to number two right here.

[12:19] No, don't do not.

[12:23] I'll be honest with you, I didn't

[12:24] understand a lot of art at this auction.

[12:26] Some of it was was even I was looking at

[12:28] going, "This is offensive." And then I

[12:30] thought, I like that. NO, I DO. ART

[12:33] SHOULD BE beautiful and offensive and

[12:35] hard to understand sometimes.

[12:42] Beautiful, offensive, hard to understand

[12:45] sometimes.

[12:48] Remind you of anyone?

[12:50] Yes, I tell you who it reminds me of.

[12:58] Reminds me of Bad Heart.

[13:03] ARTISTS HAVE ALWAYS offended people.

[13:04] That's their job. Like today, we all

[13:06] think of Michelangelo as a genius,

[13:09] right? But, you know, he was a

[13:10] flamboyant gay artist and he made the

[13:13] pope very mad. The pope didn't like the

[13:15] look of the the woman on the cysteine

[13:17] chapel. HE WAS LIKE, "THIS ONE NEEDS TO

[13:19] MAKE ME CRAZY.

[13:21] SHE LOOKING LIKE A SHE."

[13:24] You're welcome, holy father.

[13:28] I love your dress.

[13:38] The hell was that?

[13:48] >> Do you know when I was uh back in the

[13:50] old country when I lived in Glasgow,

[13:51] they had an art gallery in the It was

[13:53] called the Third Eye Center. It was

[13:55] called It was great. It was all guys in

[13:57] little suits with the tiny little

[13:58] glasses and the beards. And I once I

[14:00] went into this performance art pierce

[14:02] Pierce. Yeah. No. Well, kind of because

[14:05] what it was was it was a performance art

[14:07] thing, kind of an installation or

[14:09] something. And it was a bald guy walking

[14:11] around this big white room. He was

[14:12] completely naked, right? Walking I think

[14:14] it was an art gallery. I'm not sure. No,

[14:16] it was it was an art gallery. He was

[14:17] walking around this He was completely

[14:19] old bald guy walking around like that.

[14:21] And he had a paintbrush tied to an end.

[14:26] He did he had a paintbrush tied to the

[14:28] end of his BP and he's walking around

[14:30] like this

[14:32] like you know and I'm LIKE DO A HORSE

[14:34] and he's like doing a horse

[14:36] LIKE DO A CAT AND HE'S LIKE DOING A CAT.

[14:39] I said COULD YOU PAINT MY HOUSE? He said

[14:41] I could only do the floors.

[14:44] He's maybe

[14:49] if I get excited, I could do the walls.

[14:53] >> ALL RIGHT, WE have to take a break.

[14:54] We'll be right back, everybody.

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[18:48] Welcome back everybody. Welcome back to

[18:50] the big arty show where we celebrate the

[18:52] birthday of Salvador Dolly.

[19:01] Do you know some artists though can't be

[19:04] imitated you know a lot of people

[19:05] imitated deli but some can't be imitated

[19:07] Heronomous Bosch the 14th century

[19:09] painter he was a surrealist kind of

[19:11] before the surrealist he lived in

[19:13] Belgium um I know and

[19:17] he uh he we got we got one of his

[19:19] paintings we'll show up this is a this

[19:20] is a section from a painting called the

[19:22] garden of earthly delights this is was a

[19:25] man who was clearly insane he was a

[19:26] flemish

[19:29] He was in fact a Belgian nut job.

[19:35] >> By the way, there's a place up in

[19:36] Hollywood Boulevard. You can

[19:41] tell them I sent you something something

[19:42] waffle there. Uh

[19:46] anyway, there's new research that says

[19:47] that Heronomous Borch might not have

[19:49] been crazy. What happened was the type

[19:51] of he used to paint in a shed at the end

[19:52] of his garden. This is true. And he had

[19:55] he would eat this rye bread that was

[19:57] popular at the time and he'd be down

[19:58] there for days at a time and the special

[20:00] type of rye bread that he had after a

[20:02] couple of days a fungus grew on it which

[20:04] had very similar effects to LSD.

[20:08] So Heronous Bosch was tripping you know

[20:10] and he was like having a sandwich thing

[20:12] going you know what this needs it needs

[20:13] a bird with knives for eyes.

[20:19] By the way it doesn't work now the rye

[20:20] bread with mold on it. I've tried it.

[20:22] homework.

[20:24] Don't waste your time.

[20:27] CBS cares.

[20:32] Do we have Do we have time for an email,

[20:34] do we? Do we have time for an email? Oh,

[20:36] yeah, we do. We don't have email jingles

[20:37] anymore. That's right. Do we have time

[20:39] for an email?

[20:42] >> Yeah. Yeah, we do. Good. Hey, if you're

[20:44] irritated by it, just think how I feel.

[20:49] Mhm. Uh this is from Carrie in uh Balsam

[20:53] Lake in Wisconsin. I've been to

[20:56] Wisconsin. There are many lakes there.

[20:57] It's like there's almost like there's a

[20:59] thousand.

[21:04] Carrie in Balsam Lake, Wisconsin says,

[21:05] "Craig, I think you and I shared a space

[21:08] cake or two at the Milk Veg in Amsterdam

[21:10] in the spring of 1981. Those were the

[21:13] days.

[21:20] It's possible. Unless you take your word

[21:21] for it. Uh

[21:26] 1981 Amsterdam.

[21:29] >> Yeah. By the way, if you don't know what

[21:31] a space cake is, space cake was a piece

[21:33] of rye bread they would leave lying

[21:35] around.

[21:44] We have to take a break. We'll be right

[21:46] back, everybody. We'll be right back.

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[22:27] >> On June 5th, you are cordially invited

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[22:33] as soon as we can find the groom.

[22:35] >> Is that the mattress from Doug's room?

[22:37] >> Oh god.

[22:39] >> None of us can remember anything from

[22:40] last night.

[22:41] >> Where are you guys?

[22:42] >> We lost Doug.

[22:44] >> What?

[22:44] >> The bachelor party. He's got out of

[22:46] control.

[22:51] >> We're getting married in 5 hours.

[22:53] >> NOT UP IN HERE.

[22:54] >> NOT UP IN HERE.

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[23:42] >> Mhm. No, you don't need.

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[25:58] Happy birthday to you.

[26:03] Happy birthday

[26:05] to you.

[26:07] Happy birthday,

[26:10] Salvador Dolly.

[26:20] He would have loved that.

[26:27] Now, uh, everyone of course has been hit

[26:30] by the economy. It's really is it's

[26:31] causing a lot of problems. So, this is a

[26:33] good time we thought to get some

[26:34] money-saving tips. Please welcome

[26:36] tonight America's number one personal

[26:38] budget expert, Henry Winkler. Everybody,

[26:40] Henry Winkler.

[26:48] Very nice,

[26:57] Henry.

[27:00] Lovely to see you, Henry.

[27:01] >> I'm so happy to be here.

[27:03] >> Hey, wait, wait, wait. I'm b happy. I'm

[27:04] bunched up.

[27:05] >> Yeah, there you are. You feel better?

[27:07] >> I do. Yeah, you look great.

[27:08] >> Thank you very much. You look fantastic,

[27:10] too. Nice to see you back. You look all

[27:12] that fresh.

[27:13] >> Well, because I wanted to look good on

[27:15] your show.

[27:16] >> Thank you. It'll it is a contrast to me.

[27:19] >> Oh, no. I also noticed that your tie is

[27:22] thinner and lighter.

[27:23] >> Yeah, I've gone for thinner ties.

[27:25] >> Yeah. Yeah, I see. So Henry, I know I

[27:28] know you as a I know you you're an

[27:30] actor, a writer, producer. Uh but what

[27:32] makes you a personal budget expert? You

[27:34] know what? Experience. Everyone is

[27:37] suffering at this moment. I'm suffering.

[27:39] If I don't watch every penny, I could

[27:42] lose my house in the hills and then I

[27:44] would be down to about six homes.

[27:48] >> Must be very frightening for you.

[27:50] >> Yeah, it is very frightening. Now,

[27:52] speaking of which, uh what what advice

[27:54] do you have for people who are behind on

[27:55] their mortgage?

[27:56] >> I think it is really important for

[27:59] everyone to talk to your bank

[28:01] >> so that they can tell them what they can

[28:02] afford to pay.

[28:03] >> No, I think you should say your bank.

[28:07] >> Probably the way to go. That's another

[28:08] way to go. Another way to go.

[28:13] >> I think it would be really interesting

[28:15] if everybody took their credit card, put

[28:17] it down, and went to cash.

[28:19] Well, that's a that's a way to go. Now,

[28:21] energy energy is a very big expense. How

[28:23] how can people deal with the rising

[28:25] electric bill?

[28:25] >> Okay, you lower your thermostat. That's

[28:27] number one. Use energy efficient

[28:29] appliances. And always turn off the

[28:32] spotlight on your stripper pole when

[28:34] you're done at night.

[28:38] >> H Did I forget to turn off the

[28:40] spotlights on my stripper pole?

[28:44] No, I turned them off when you finished

[28:47] dancing last night.

[28:50] >> Thanks, Henry.

[28:53] >> So,

[28:55] um,

[28:58] >> well, is there a way then? Is there a

[29:00] way to save money at the gas pump?

[29:02] >> Well, everyone knows the best way to

[29:03] save money on gas. Let's say it

[29:05] together. Okay.

[29:06] >> Carling.

[29:10] Did

[29:13] >> you say carjacking?

[29:14] >> I did. I did. I mean, come on. Listen.

[29:18] You get somebody's car, right? You not

[29:20] only get the car, you get all the change

[29:23] in the cup holder.

[29:25] If you're really lucky, you get a free

[29:27] baby.

[29:34] Am I right?

[29:38] Sometimes I feel I don't know you

[29:40] anymore, Henry. It doesn't sound like a

[29:42] good idea to me.

[29:43] >> I think it is great. One more baby. I've

[29:45] got more kids than the octimon.

[29:47] >> Oh, come on now. We

[29:50] We We were doing a lot of Octimom jokes

[29:52] here. You know, the late night shows. We

[29:54] were doing all Everybody's We We had a

[29:55] graphic for Do we still have our Octo

[30:04] Exploded?

[30:06] I'm delighted.

[30:07] >> That's good.

[30:08] >> So, what if cost isn't uh isn't cutting

[30:10] cost isn't enough? Are there extra ways

[30:12] to to make money?

[30:13] >> Oh, a good one.

[30:14] >> Mhm.

[30:15] >> Sell stuff on eBay.

[30:16] >> Yeah.

[30:17] >> There is some idiot who will buy

[30:19] anything. Yeah.

[30:20] >> I sold a loser this kind of mug that I

[30:23] had that looks like a uh a a a snake

[30:26] that I got in uh Arizona.

[30:31] There was some who will buy

[30:33] anybody's crap.

[30:35] True.

[30:39] >> Yeah. Well, we're out of time. Uh Henry

[30:42] Winkler, everybody. We'll be right back.

[30:54] >> If you look at the last 6 months, I

[30:56] think you'll agree that the production

[30:58] growth opportunity that we have for us

[31:00] with

[31:08] What is that?

[31:11] >> That That's the money you could be

[31:12] saving with Geico.

[31:20] >> Geico. 15 minutes could save you 15% or

[31:22] more on car insurance.

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[31:32] that volcano is history. All day or all

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[31:36] >> Heartburn. Attack it. Zante.

[31:39] >> MGD64

[31:40] and 64 calories of Nickelode Ultra.

[31:45] Enjoy.

[31:49] >> Thanks.

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[31:52] MGD64.

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[31:59] had Netflix, he'd never pay late fees.

[32:04] >> And he could even watch some movies

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[32:10] >> There's no DVD in here.

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[34:11] It's as though it were getting smaller.

[34:20] >> THANK YOU.

[34:26] SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE BOOTH

[34:27] is coming down.

[34:32] My uh first guest tonight is an Academy

[34:35] Award winner. His first album, I Have a

[34:37] Pony, will be re-released on May the

[34:39] 12th. Please welcome Steven Wright,

[34:41] everybody. Steven Wright.

[34:58] Welcome, Stephen. Welcome. Good to see

[35:01] you.

[35:01] >> Nice to see you. How are you?

[35:02] >> I'm good. I'm I'm very I'm very happy

[35:04] because it's Salvador Dolli's birthday,

[35:06] of course. And uh you know, that's a big

[35:07] day here.

[35:08] >> How old is he?

[35:09] >> 105.

[35:12] >> Although I I don't think he celebrates

[35:13] anymore.

[35:15] I love Salvador Doll. I love surrealism.

[35:18] I love it since high school.

[35:20] >> You surprised me.

[35:21] >> I had an art class in high school and

[35:23] they brought us into Boston to see m uh

[35:26] uh surrealism and I was just they

[35:28] totally just changed my mind. I was

[35:31] like, "This is amazing." They had a a a

[35:34] river that turned into a waterfall that

[35:36] turned into a road and then there was a

[35:38] a a silo the size of a clothes pin.

[35:44] Are you sure this

[35:45] >> a painting?

[35:46] >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not

[35:47] >> not really. Not like you're driving down

[35:48] the road.

[35:49] >> You're like, "Whoa, look at this." No. I

[35:51] I Are you sure this wasn't Amsterdam in

[35:53] 1981?

[35:55] >> Now, can I ask you about this about this

[35:57] album? Cuz this is this is your first

[35:59] your first album.

[36:00] >> It first came out in 1985 and Warner

[36:03] Brothers is having a 50year anniversary.

[36:06] So, they're re-releasing.

[36:08] >> That was my first album. It's called

[36:11] Actually, there's one more joke on this

[36:13] one that wasn't on the one in 85.

[36:16] >> Hey, that's there's that's value. Do you

[36:18] want

[36:22] >> No, that's not true. What I just said.

[36:23] >> All right. Okay. But you can tell it's

[36:25] the 80s cuz look, Jay Lenom's tie is

[36:27] behind you. Remember, he used to wear

[36:28] that tie everywhere.

[36:30] >> Yeah.

[36:30] >> People don't know how enormous he is.

[36:32] He's huge. Jen, what is that?

[36:34] >> Well, he must be about 150 foot tall.

[36:37] >> I look I look smaller in pictures.

[36:39] >> You do? Yeah.

[36:41] >> Turn it that way.

[36:43] >> That way.

[36:44] >> Does it Do you ever look at pictures of

[36:46] yourself with bare feet from 20 years

[36:48] ago and think, "My feet have aged."

[36:52] >> Those weren't my feet. Those were stunt

[36:54] feet.

[36:56] >> Stunt feet.

[36:56] >> Stunt feet. Yeah.

[36:58] >> So, you had those feet. He had wooden

[37:00] legs and real feet.

[37:09] I uh

[37:10] >> one thing I like about Savadoo Dolly is

[37:13] the names of his paintings. He had a

[37:15] painting. It was called the weaning of

[37:17] furniture nutrition.

[37:20] I mean, and then you and then you look

[37:22] at the painting and there's like part of

[37:23] a chair and you don't understand what's

[37:26] happening. I went fishing once with

[37:28] Salvador Dolly.

[37:29] >> You did not really.

[37:30] >> He was using a dotted line.

[37:36] He caught He caught every other fish.

[37:43] >> Oh, yeah. Go on.

[37:44] >> Look at that. Look at that. Which Which

[37:46] guy is more insane?

[37:50] >> I I don't I don't think that surrealism

[37:52] is insanity. I think it's just um it's

[37:55] um

[37:56] >> that other artist you were talking

[37:57] about,

[37:57] >> Heronimous Bosch.

[37:59] >> That's that's a crazy

[38:01] >> He's gone.

[38:02] >> Yeah. Yeah. He's Well, he's gone for a

[38:03] long time. He was he lived in the 14th

[38:05] century. Imagine

[38:07] if he was alive now answering phones for

[38:10] uh Lowe's furniture store.

[38:13] >> I think I think he might be.

[38:16] >> Lois Furniture Store. Why? Why do they

[38:18] advertise on CBS?

[38:20] >> They do not.

[38:25] They do not. A fine fine product.

[38:29] Have you ever been down to that? They've

[38:31] got a silver dollar museum in St.

[38:33] Petersburg in Florida. Have you ever

[38:34] been to Florida? Yes, I've been there

[38:36] many times.

[38:37] >> Have you really?

[38:37] >> Yes. I go down when I tour around, you

[38:39] know, I go to St. to Tampa, Florida and

[38:42] St. Petersburg and there's an entire

[38:44] museum with just Salvador Dolly in it. I

[38:46] don't know why. It's one's in one is in

[38:48] Spain and one is in Florida.

[38:50] >> Well, I think the people there were some

[38:52] rich a rich couple in Florida liked to

[38:54] collect his art and then when they, you

[38:56] know, went the way of Heronomous Bosch,

[38:57] they left it as a

[38:59] >> Oh, was that all that?

[39:00] >> Yeah, I think so. Yeah. So, I'm making

[39:02] this up, but it sounds great. If you

[39:03] folded a If you folded a map of the

[39:06] world in half, Spain might go right to

[39:08] Florida.

[39:09] >> Oh, yes. The warm the wormhole here.

[39:12] >> If you got a hair dryer and and got the

[39:14] map off a globe like by by heating it up

[39:17] and making it more

[39:18] >> global warming, in fact.

[39:19] >> Yes. Yeah, you can do that.

[39:21] >> Maybe that's what's happening. Too many

[39:23] people are using hair dryers.

[39:25] >> My god, we're figuring it all out.

[39:29] >> Do you remember? Do you remember there

[39:31] used to be a hole in the ozone layer?

[39:32] everybody was worried about. And then

[39:34] everybody stopped using hairspray and

[39:35] the ozone layer healed up.

[39:37] >> Yes.

[39:37] >> Shouldn't we do that again?

[39:38] >> I wasn't involved in that.

[39:45] >> Well, I was I wasn't implying that you

[39:47] you were involved. I just thought that

[39:49] you might be very paranoid.

[39:56] >> So, when you went to the uh the Florida

[39:59] to the Salvador Deli Museum, did you go

[40:01] to those drug stores? They have in

[40:02] Florida cuz they've got the biggest drug

[40:04] stores in the world. They more

[40:05] >> Ruth Eard. Ruth E. Ruth Eard drugstores.

[40:09] >> I can't remember if it was the one that

[40:11] advertises on CBS. What one is it? Um,

[40:14] >> it was the one in your region,

[40:16] >> but they

[40:18] but it was uh No, I like the drugstores

[40:21] cuz they go on for miles in Florida.

[40:22] They're huge. You need a golf cart to

[40:24] get around and they they've got entire

[40:27] aisles dedicated to cortisone.

[40:32] I've never itched so much as once when I

[40:35] was in Florida. You The minute you feel

[40:36] an itch, you got some cortisone right on

[40:39] there.

[40:40] >> I like the aisles with the ointments.

[40:44] >> Well,

[40:47] cortisone is a is you mostly comes in

[40:50] ointment form.

[40:52] >> Are you having trouble with your jacket?

[40:53] Are you What are you doing?

[40:54] >> These aren't these aren't my clothes.

[40:56] Ah.

[41:00] That's what I get for taking my first

[41:02] piece of the luggage off for that thing.

[41:04] >> Yeah, it's all

[41:05] >> gets you out the airport quicker, but

[41:07] you pay for it later on.

[41:08] >> Sometimes I'm wearing dresses.

[41:11] >> Not not because of that.

[41:13] >> Just would like to wear dresses.

[41:14] >> Yeah, sometimes.

[41:15] >> Are you uh are you going to do stand up

[41:16] in Milwaukee? Is that

[41:17] >> Yeah, I'm going uh Wednesday and I'll do

[41:19] the show Thursday and then I'll go to

[41:21] the next city, then the next city. Have

[41:23] you ever been to Milwaukee?

[41:24] >> I have. I love Milwaukee. It was

[41:25] fantastic. They've got a beer that that

[41:27] made the whole town famous.

[41:30] >> Is that a CBS thing?

[41:34] >> No, it's not. CBS Well, it is now.

[41:36] Clearly, we're Yeah, we're giving it

[41:38] away tonight. Um,

[41:40] >> no, the uh the It's got a great They've

[41:44] got the water down there and a lake.

[41:45] Lake Lake Oprah is right there. You just

[41:47] You walk out,

[41:48] >> you can go Lake Oprah.

[41:50] >> Lake Oprah. Yeah, it's named after her.

[41:52] >> Wow.

[41:54] She stores her barracudas in it.

[41:59] >> I think she would have her own ocean by

[42:01] now.

[42:02] >> She She's got her own She's got her own

[42:03] ocean, but she doesn't like to commute

[42:05] from Chicago. So, she has the lake

[42:06] there. That's her her, you know, her

[42:09] during the weak body of water and then

[42:11] she has an ocean for the weekends.

[42:17] >> We're out of time. You going to

[42:18] Milwaukee?

[42:18] >> Yeah.

[42:19] >> Then get out of here. Steven Ray,

[42:20] everybody, we'll be right back.

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[43:17] >> This is more than my easy button. It's

[43:19] my save so much on paper. We could do

[43:21] personal printing again, button.

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[44:00] Lincoln Mercury dealer today. Bicycle,

[44:03] I've missed you. Gathering dust as

[44:05] flowers bloom and pollen floats through

[44:07] the air, while I sneezing, itching eyes

[44:09] looked for safer havens in the air

[44:11] conditioning. But now with the strength

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[44:26] and promise not to wait as long to go

[44:27] for our ride. Because with Zerek, I can

[44:30] love the air.

[44:36] >> I think that possibly maybe I'm falling

[44:40] for you.

[44:43] Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen

[44:45] quite hard over you.

[44:49] I've seen the waters that make your eyes

[44:52] shine.

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[45:03] known it could happen.

[45:04] >> Anthrax isn't sold this fast.

[45:05] >> This strained us.

[45:06] >> The nightmare has begun.

[45:08] >> Get back.

[45:08] >> What's wrong?

[45:09] >> Reed's in trouble. New Criminal Minds.

[45:11] Then it's two nights of New York. One

[45:13] CSI will cross the line and one will

[45:16] fall in the line of duty.

[45:17] >> WHERE'S THE AMBULANCE?

[45:18] >> A NEW CSI NEW YORK after Criminal Mind.

[45:20] CBS Wednesday.

[45:27] Welcome back everybody.

[45:31] Welcome back everybody. Welcome back to

[45:33] your own house or television set. You

[45:35] during the break, I don't know why, but

[45:37] I thought I might AS WELL JUMP.

[45:45] I CAN'T TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE IT cost

[45:47] CBS 40 bucks to play a song that

[45:49] everybody's heard anyway.

[45:56] Might as well jump.

[45:58] You're welcome, Eddie Van Halen. There's

[46:00] your 40 bucks. Now,

[46:03] my next guest is in Oh, is in the

[46:05] Terminator Salvation. I'm really looking

[46:07] forward to this. I I like me a

[46:09] Terminator movie, you know, with the

[46:13] and the liquid and everything.

[46:16] It's in theaters May 21st. Take a look

[46:18] at this.

[46:19] >> Okay, what's going to happen to him?

[46:22] Disassembled.

[46:24] >> You mean killed?

[46:26] >> It may have information on Skynet.

[46:30] >> I know he's not the enemy. I've been

[46:33] shot at by the enemy. That's not him.

[46:35] That machine saved you only to gain

[46:37] access to kill all of us.

[46:45] >> See, and that's what happens. And then

[46:47] my guess is somebody goes nuts and

[46:50] shooting happens.

[46:54] Take that, Merchant Ivory.

[47:00] >> PLEASE WELCOME THE LOVELY BRYCE DALLAS

[47:02] HOWARD, EVERYBODY. Bryce Dallas Howard.

[47:18] No, we don't. No, we don't use them. We

[47:20] have them because for union reasons, uh,

[47:23] late night talk shows, you got to have a

[47:24] blue card with questions on it. So, we

[47:26] have them and then we throw them away.

[47:28] >> What if it was like a yellow card or and

[47:30] I mean an orange card? Wait, wait.

[47:33] You're taking this surrealism too far.

[47:36] >> A yellow card, you say?

[47:38] >> No. May I compliment you on your dress,

[47:40] by the way? It's fantastic. You look

[47:42] sensational.

[47:43] >> Oh, that's so nice.

[47:44] >> It's You're like, and and I mean this in

[47:46] the most respectful way. You're you're

[47:48] kind of like a some form of

[47:49] confectionary.

[47:52] >> I mean, kind of. You're You're like a

[47:54] delightful candy treat.

[47:56] >> Yeah, that's what I was going for.

[47:58] >> And it works

[47:59] >> because it is Dolly's birthday.

[48:00] >> Dolly's birthday. It's a big day here.

[48:02] We always celebrate it once. This is it.

[48:04] >> Yeah. It's it's actually um it's a big

[48:08] day for my family.

[48:09] >> Why?

[48:10] >> Well, because um they they actually last

[48:12] week they bought a Salvador Dolly

[48:14] statue.

[48:16] >> WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT? ARE YOU

[48:18] KIDDING ME?

[48:19] >> I know. So, we're all celebrating.

[48:21] >> I can imagine the whole place is going

[48:23] nuts. Your dad WILL BE LIKE, "OH,

[48:24] FANTASTIC. SCREW THE MOVIE COMING OUT.

[48:26] Let's go and look at the statue."

[48:27] >> Yeah. No. I mean, it's like we're

[48:29] worshiping it like it's like a false

[48:30] >> No, no. Don't worship it as a That

[48:32] doesn't end well.

[48:33] >> Oh, well, I mean, it is interesting

[48:35] though. I mean, I'm I'm really not

[48:36] kidding here. Um, my my parents just

[48:38] bought it and it's in their apartment

[48:40] and they brought us all over and they're

[48:41] very excited and my mom was like, "Just

[48:44] don't walk by it because everybody stubs

[48:46] their toe."

[48:47] >> No, this is on the statue.

[48:48] >> This is a statue by Salvador, darling.

[48:50] >> Yes.

[48:51] >> And what what is it of?

[48:53] >> It it doesn't really make any sense. I

[48:55] don't know.

[48:57] >> Sounds about right, actually. Yeah. Like

[49:00] I couldn't describe it.

[49:01] >> Yeah. Well, but

[49:02] >> it's like a

[49:04] >> like

[49:04] >> Yeah. Yeah. No, that I think I know. Do

[49:06] that that last bit again.

[49:08] >> Oh, well, it's like kind of smooth and

[49:09] then it just is like

[49:10] >> Yeah. No, that bit. Yeah.

[49:12] >> Do you do that in the Terminator movie?

[49:14] That

[49:16] >> No. No. They didn't pay me enough.

[49:21] >> Let me talk to you about CBS.

[49:25] If you want to talk about that now, in

[49:27] this is the movie where uh Christian

[49:29] Bale had the the when they were filming

[49:31] it, he had the the thing where

[49:33] >> Yes. A moment. Yeah.

[49:34] >> Yeah. Yeah. That's That's

[49:35] >> We all have our moment.

[49:36] >> Yeah. Oh, no. I actually I remember the

[49:38] night it happened, I defended him. I

[49:39] said, "Come on. You pay a guy to be

[49:41] emotionally unstable and then he's

[49:43] emotionally unstable and you get all

[49:44] upset about it." I mean, THAT'S WHAT

[49:46] THAT HE'S DOING HIS JOB. He's You pay

[49:48] him to be crazy. He's crazy. You tape IT

[49:51] AND GO, "LOOK HOW CRAZY HE IS.

[49:54] He's Christian Bale. HE HE'S NOT HE'S

[49:57] NOT, you know, Brian Williams. He's He's

[49:59] Christian Bale.

[50:00] >> Yeah.

[50:01] >> He's crazy. He's meant to be crazy,

[50:02] don't you? Or or not.

[50:04] >> Well, I mean,

[50:06] >> no. I mean, it it it was really strange

[50:09] because um that that particular day he

[50:12] was he was doing a scene where he was

[50:14] supposed to be losing his mind,

[50:15] >> right?

[50:16] >> Um

[50:16] >> and he lost his mind

[50:17] >> and Yeah. He's a good actor.

[50:19] >> Yeah, he is a good actor. Yeah.

[50:20] >> Yeah. But afterwards, I did say to him,

[50:22] I was like, "Gosh, Christian, you you

[50:25] you have a really bad temper."

[50:28] >> Yeah.

[50:28] >> And um and he he was like, "Yes, in that

[50:32] moment, yes, I did." I mean, he felt he

[50:34] just he felt awful about it. And and um

[50:37] and yeah, apologized profusely to

[50:39] everyone and and then of course just the

[50:41] tapes being released. It's just such an

[50:42] invasion of privacy.

[50:44] >> Yeah. No, I think he should have done

[50:45] the Russell Crow thing. Remember when

[50:46] Russell Crow threw the phone at that

[50:48] jerk in the hotel and then everybody's

[50:50] like, "Oh, Russell, you have to go to

[50:51] rehab." And he's like, "No." And then

[50:54] and then he said he said to Russell

[50:56] Crow, "Did have you learned anything?"

[50:58] It was some hotel in New York. Have you

[50:59] learned anything about this? He said,

[51:00] "Yeah, next time I'm going to start the

[51:02] full seasons." That's what he said.

[51:04] >> Are you serious?

[51:04] >> That's what he said.

[51:06] >> Yeah. I think actually that happened

[51:07] while he was promoting Beautiful Mind.

[51:10] That's

[51:10] >> really

[51:11] >> I don't know what it is about myself and

[51:13] my dad and the Howards. We kind of

[51:15] elicit these responses.

[51:16] >> You make people crazy. You make people

[51:18] crazy. And Henry, of course, is your

[51:20] godfather. Is that right? Isn't that

[51:22] lovely?

[51:23] >> Yeah.

[51:23] >> Oh my goodness. Is he a good godfather?

[51:26] >> Oh, I mean, he's better than Marlon

[51:27] Brando.

[51:30] >> I mean, he is. No, he's an incredible.

[51:32] >> Was Marlon Brando your godfather at any

[51:34] point?

[51:34] >> Well, he got demoted.

[51:36] >> Really?

[51:36] >> Yeah. No, no. I mean, I guess I guess

[51:38] Yeah. My dad being in the business for

[51:40] 50 years, that could actually be taken.

[51:41] >> You could take it seriously. Yeah.

[51:43] >> No. No. Henry's always been my

[51:44] godfather.

[51:45] >> Right. So there was no Brando Winkler

[51:47] face off or anything like that.

[51:49] >> But I would have really liked to seen

[51:51] that.

[51:51] >> Yeah. I I might draw it later,

[51:56] >> you know, for Dy's birthday.

[51:58] >> Of course. Yeah.

[51:58] >> Yeah. Did Well, did you Was he No, you'd

[52:01] be too young. The Happy Days would be

[52:03] done by the time he he was he was uh

[52:05] your godfather. So it wasn't like he was

[52:06] going, "Hey, at the funeral

[52:09] I said the funeral. I meant it say I

[52:11] said funeral."

[52:12] >> Yeah. And it was my Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank

[52:15] you. Yeah.

[52:17] >> Oh, that's that's horrible. That was the

[52:18] Freudian slip. I feel terribly sorry

[52:20] about that.

[52:21] >> Are those like your feelings towards me?

[52:23] >> No. No, not at all. No, I don't believe

[52:25] in that. I'm not a big disciple of

[52:27] Freud, actually. No. No. Are you a

[52:29] disciple of Freud, do you think?

[52:31] >> Um, no. No. No, I'm not.

[52:34] >> Who do you like? You Carl Young. You

[52:35] like Carl Young.

[52:37] >> Kagard.

[52:37] >> Kerkard. Now you're talking my language.

[52:40] Loves me a bit of Kard. Good. Yeah. Do

[52:43] you do you uh have you read the either

[52:44] or uh the big

[52:46] >> No.

[52:46] >> The thing about Kierard is he said he

[52:48] was Danish Danish, wouldn't he?

[52:50] >> Yeah, he was Danish. Yeah.

[52:51] >> He said uh he said only the noble of

[52:54] heart are called to difficulty. And then

[52:56] what he did is he made his work so

[52:58] indecipherable that only people who

[53:00] really really wanted to read it would

[53:02] read it.

[53:02] >> Who really cared about it.

[53:03] >> Yeah. That's that he did it on purpose.

[53:06] >> Bastard.

[53:08] >> Because it's actually really hard to

[53:09] read.

[53:10] >> Yeah. I I mean I I've read sort of like

[53:12] I guess the Cliff's notes version of

[53:15] that.

[53:17] >> No, I mean

[53:18] >> Well, that's not very Kag Guardian of

[53:19] you, is it?

[53:20] >> No, it's I mean, no to to be to

[53:22] perfectly honest. No, no, I have I have

[53:24] read some character guardian. It is

[53:25] really difficult to understandable and

[53:28] then but then it's it's the existential

[53:29] philosophers of the 20th century who

[53:31] really went in and tried to understand

[53:33] what he was writing. And then those are

[53:36] the people that I kind of uh fell in

[53:38] love with. What are we talking here?

[53:40] Sartra.

[53:40] >> Sartra. Yeah. A bit. You know, I mean

[53:43] Yeah. And bity, but um I mean I don't

[53:46] like nihilism. I'm not into nihilism

[53:48] right

[53:48] >> at all. And what I love

[53:49] >> good cuz we wouldn't have that around

[53:50] here.

[53:52] >> No. Gard was religious. He was a

[53:54] religious man.

[53:55] >> Yeah. Yeah. He was I think he was I

[53:56] believe he was Christian. I don't I

[53:58] don't know if that's true. Yeah. But

[53:59] yeah,

[54:00] >> sometimes I like to make stuff up and

[54:02] seem like I'm brainy.

[54:03] >> Oh, you ever do that? I do that.

[54:05] >> I mean, doesn't everybody?

[54:08] No.

[54:08] >> Okay.

[54:09] >> Yeah, probably.

[54:10] >> Yeah.

[54:11] >> I don't think everybody's it. Some

[54:12] people go, "Oh, no. I'm just stupid."

[54:15] >> But then they're not. You see? So, they

[54:17] do it the opposite.

[54:18] >> No, they're the brilliant ones. They're

[54:19] the genius.

[54:20] >> That's right. They're clever and they

[54:22] pretend to be silly and then you lose

[54:23] all your money at

[54:24] >> No, but that's but that's dangerous. I

[54:26] mean, it is legitimately dangerous to

[54:28] make up something about something that

[54:30] you know nothing about because what if

[54:32] you're talking to somebody who knows a

[54:34] lot about it and then I mean, that's

[54:35] very surreal.

[54:36] >> Yeah.

[54:38] You want a drink then?

[54:42] >> Oh my god.

[54:42] >> You got you got a drink over there.

[54:44] >> It kind of looks like the um thing the

[54:46] you know there the doll.

[54:48] >> Yeah, it looks like

[54:49] >> I mean it really does

[54:50] >> really.

[54:50] >> Yeah, kind of.

[54:52] >> Except it's bigger and um it's like more

[54:54] dangerous because you really do

[54:55] legitimately stub your toe.

[54:56] >> You could if you stub your toe on this,

[54:58] you would have to go hospital for poison

[54:59] injection.

[55:00] >> Yeah. Yeah,

[55:01] >> there's poison in there.

[55:04] It It's a soda. All right. It's a soda.

[55:06] It's not really poison. It's a soda.

[55:07] Could be poisonous though if you were a

[55:09] dog and you didn't like soda. Because

[55:12] you know when dogs eat chocolate, it's

[55:14] poisonous to them, but it's not

[55:15] poisonous to us. Well, I'm sure there's

[55:17] a creature that has that with soda.

[55:20] >> Yeah.

[55:20] >> Like soda is not poisonous to me, but

[55:22] perhaps to an orangutang or a a badger

[55:26] or something. They would drink soda and

[55:28] it would be like, "Good night,

[55:29] Margaret."

[55:32] >> I don't know. I mean, it should be

[55:34] poisonous. Probably

[55:36] >> soda.

[55:36] >> Yeah.

[55:37] >> You something against soda?

[55:38] >> Well, I mean,

[55:40] >> come on, let's hear it. What's the

[55:42] al-Qaeda stance on soda then?

[55:46] >> I don't know. I mean, it it seems all

[55:49] unnatural, doesn't it?

[55:50] >> Yeah, I suppose. So, that's what I like

[55:52] about it, though.

[55:55] >> You know, I I'm very excited to see this

[55:57] film. We're completely out of time, but

[55:58] I will go and see this Terminator movie.

[56:00] Congratulations. This is a huge huge

[56:01] movie. I'm sure it'll be a huge one. Oh,

[56:02] thank you.

[56:03] >> It's lovely to meet you. Bryce Dallas,

[56:04] everybody. We'll be right back.

[56:05] >> Thank you.

[56:12] >> Wednesday, we've got an offer you can't

[56:13] refuse.

[56:15] >> THIS GUY,

[56:16] >> a special RULES OF ENGAGEMENT.

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[56:26] >> We're bringing sexy back.

[56:27] >> New Christine at a special time after

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[57:18] >> Now you can watch CBS shows in high

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[57:28] >> Matthew Fox and Julianne Moore. next all

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[57:33] >> It was like the most amazing thing. All

[57:37] fiery orange and pink birds were

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[57:43] surreal.

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[58:34] >> What did we learn tonight?

[58:43] >> I can't hang around tonight. I got to

[58:44] go. There's a big Salvador Deli birthday

[58:46] party bash on at um somebody's house.

[59:01] Miss an episode of your favorite CBS

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