The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS) - 2006-07-28

Channel: malgent

Transcript

Language: English (YouTube automatic captions)

[0:01] Partridge's family's Danny Bonaduce

[0:02] live.

[0:03] >> Monday on Good Morning Northwest.

[0:06] This fall, crime pays. Smith, CBS

[0:10] Tuesdays.

[0:12] From New York,

[0:14] the greatest city in the world, it's the

[0:18] Late Show with David Letterman.

[0:22] Tonight,

[0:23] Jamie Fox

[0:25] >> [music]

[0:26] >> and comedian Tom Dreesen.

[0:31] >> [music]

[0:31] >> PLUS PAUL

[0:33] SHAFFER

[0:34] AND THE CBS ORCHESTRA.

[0:36] >> [music]

[0:38] >> And now,

[0:40] boyishly handsome lead singer of

[0:43] Bon Jovi,

[0:46] David

[0:48] Letterman.

[0:51] >> [music]

[0:56] [music]

[1:08] >> Thank you very much, ladies and

[1:09] gentlemen.

[1:12] >> [music]

[1:15] >> Thank you.

[1:16] >> [applause]

[1:17] >> We have a a lot of folks from out of

[1:19] town visiting New York City. A lot of

[1:20] folks visiting New York City. Is that

[1:21] correct?

[1:25] >> [applause]

[1:26] >> Here's some bad news. The city and the

[1:29] Times Square hookers are still miles

[1:30] apart on their new contract.

[1:35] Bad news.

[1:37] >> [applause]

[1:38] >> Oh.

[1:41] Miami Vice, the big film summer

[1:43] blockbuster opened today. Miami Vice.

[1:44] Anybody get a chance to go SEE MIAMI

[1:46] VICE?

[1:49] >> [applause]

[1:49] >> WELL, THEN YOU KNOW THAT I PLAY GUIDO

[1:51] THE PIMP.

[1:53] >> [applause]

[1:55] >> I Honestly, I can't I can't wait to see

[1:58] Miami Vice because it's been over 2

[1:59] weeks since I've seen a movie with a car

[2:02] chase on a causeway. I am dying.

[2:05] Let me [applause]

[2:10] >> [applause]

[2:12] >> But in the new Miami Vice, Crockett and

[2:14] Tubbs are a little bit older and they

[2:16] spend most of this movie trying to bust

[2:19] up an illegal shipment of Lipitor.

[2:24] >> [applause]

[2:24] >> That's what they're trying to do.

[2:28] By the way, this just in. Ben and Jerry

[2:30] announced that they're not gay.

[2:37] Well, you know what happened in

[2:38] Washington? President Bush hosted the

[2:42] American Idol finalists in the Oval

[2:44] Office.

[2:45] >> [laughter]

[2:46] >> Well, sure, there's not really anything

[2:48] else going on.

[2:50] What's what's the problem?

[2:52] Get him in here.

[2:54] >> [applause]

[2:55] >> And

[2:57] he's uh

[2:59] Bush is very very busy tomorrow. He

[3:00] meets with the Pirates of THE CARIBBEAN.

[3:04] THAT'S RIGHT.

[3:06] >> [applause]

[3:07] >> BUT IT'S fascinating this Taylor Hicks,

[3:09] Taylor Hicks. You know who I'm talking

[3:11] about?

[3:12] He's the big American Idol winner and he

[3:14] he won he actually won by 4 million

[3:16] votes more than President Bush won his

[3:18] election.

[3:20] It's true.

[3:22] >> [applause]

[3:26] >> Coincidentally, so did Al Gore.

[3:27] >> Yeah, it's the craziest.

[3:30] Wacky.

[3:31] Paul Shaffer, ladies [music] and

[3:45] >> [music]

[3:54] >> Thank you very much. PAUL SHAFFER,

[3:56] EVERYBODY.

[4:00] IT'S MY GREAT PLEASURE, DAVID. Thank

[4:02] you, Paul. Sure.

[4:04] >> [applause]

[4:04] >> Let me tell you who's on the program

[4:05] tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Academy

[4:07] Award winning actor Jamie Fox.

[4:09] >> Wow.

[4:12] >> [applause]

[4:17] [applause]

[4:18] >> Look at these I have these two boxes

[4:19] with switches on, one marked new, one

[4:21] marked old. Let's first take a look at

[4:22] the old. Let's see what happens when I

[4:23] turn on the old switch.

[4:25] Okay.

[4:27] Oh.

[4:29] Sorry, man.

[4:31] Sorry.

[4:33] All right. Sorry.

[4:35] Okay, they're going to come in here and

[4:36] pound me. All right. That's the old box.

[4:40] Now, let's try the new box. New box.

[4:48] >> [applause]

[4:48] >> They seem similar.

[4:50] Yeah. Let's try them

[4:53] >> [applause]

[4:58] [applause]

[5:00] >> Reminds you of anything?

[5:02] >> [laughter]

[5:04] >> Yeah, I got to I got an appointment with

[5:05] Dr. Cohen. Yes, I I'm

[5:08] making an appointment.

[5:09] >> Yeah, I'll get you taken care of. Did I

[5:10] tell you something Oh, in addition to

[5:13] Jamie Fox, our good friend and a very

[5:15] funny gentleman, Tom Dreesen.

[5:17] >> Oh, we love Tom Dreesen. We love Tom

[5:19] Dreesen.

[5:20] >> [applause]

[5:24] >> Funny funny funny man.

[5:28] >> [laughter]

[5:30] >> Uh oh,

[5:32] everybody, you know they had the the

[5:34] iPod. You ever get one of those iPods?

[5:35] >> I have an iPod, yeah. They're

[5:37] tremendous. How many of people own an

[5:38] iPod? Are they wonderful? Is it

[5:40] >> [applause]

[5:42] >> And they they remind me of a bar of

[5:45] soap. I Yeah, they're They're they're

[5:47] sleek and slippery and and then and then

[5:49] you can get like the the tiny little

[5:51] iPoders and they're they're there's one

[5:53] is this big, it holds one song.

[5:55] >> One song. One song. But everybody now

[5:58] everybody is getting into this iPod. As

[6:00] a matter of fact, I had breakfast the

[6:02] other day at the IHOP. Look, they're

[6:04] even offering

[6:05] IHOP. They're they're offering their own

[6:07] iPod at the IHOP.

[6:09] Isn't amazing?

[6:10] >> [applause]

[6:11] >> Yes,

[6:13] IHOP is better.

[6:15] >> [applause]

[6:18] >> IHOP. IHOP, exactly.

[6:19] >> Yeah.

[6:21] Uh oh,

[6:22] I was watching the Weather Channel and

[6:24] you're not going to believe this. You

[6:25] know how difficult how much trouble

[6:27] we're having with the weather these days

[6:29] because of the global warming. But they

[6:31] now have a computer that will allow us

[6:34] to predict the weather 30 years out.

[6:36] From from 30 years in the future, we

[6:38] will know the weather. Yeah, I was

[6:39] watching the Weather Channel. They've

[6:40] started using it so far today. Watch,

[6:42] take a look.

[6:44] On Thursday, August 3rd, 2017,

[6:47] bring an umbrella to work because we're

[6:49] looking at a 60% chance of morning

[6:51] showers with a high of 76°.

[6:54] >> [music]

[6:54] >> Expect sunny skies to return on Friday,

[6:57] August 4th, 2017

[7:00] with temperatures [music] reaching into

[7:01] the low 80s.

[7:03] The weekend is off to a good start on

[7:05] Saturday, August 5th, 2017

[7:08] with clear skies and a high of 86.

[7:12] Okay, [laughter] there you go. I've been

[7:14] trying. All right, let go.

[7:16] Just let go. Let's go.

[7:18] Let's go.

[7:19] Come on. Let's go. Just let go. All

[7:20] right, CALM DOWN.

[7:23] UM

[7:26] IS HER FACE RED?

[7:27] >> AND NOW, ladies and gentlemen, it's time

[7:28] for a segment I think we've done this

[7:31] before. It's George W. Bush, that's all,

[7:33] folks. George W. Bush.

[7:35] >> Oh, yes. That's all, folks.

[7:36] >> Okay.

[7:38] >> [music]

[7:43] >> There would have been a deficit, but

[7:44] there wouldn't have been the

[7:45] commensurate the the the the uh

[7:48] commensurate the the

[7:49] the

[7:56] >> [applause]

[7:56] >> That's all, folks.

[8:01] Do you remember a couple of weeks ago

[8:03] there was news that they had found some

[8:05] old Einstein letters, Albert Einstein

[8:07] letters, and it turned out that there

[8:09] were many other facets to the man's

[8:11] life. For example, he had multiple

[8:13] girlfriends. And I in addition to being

[8:15] a genius, I had no idea he was he was

[8:17] that kind of a guy. He was a player.

[8:19] Yeah.

[8:20] Um you Excuse me? I said he was

[8:25] So, I called his home over there in

[8:27] Princeton, New Jersey where they keep

[8:29] the memorabilia and so forth and you can

[8:31] go over and visit his boyhood home. And

[8:34] I said, "Could you send me some of those

[8:36] letters and I would like to read them on

[8:38] the air tonight?" And they said, "Sure.

[8:39] That's No kidding. That's what they're

[8:40] here for.

[8:43] That's why we have them.

[8:44] >> That's fantastic. So, I have them. So,

[8:46] we have them tonight. Yeah.

[8:49] >> [applause]

[8:52] >> So, we have some I I don't know, maybe

[8:54] 15 or so. And these are actual

[8:56] original correspondence from Einstein

[8:58] and to Einstein.

[9:00] Okay. Uh this one March 20th, 1931. Dear

[9:04] Ethel,

[9:05] uh the

[9:09] The only thing expanding faster than the

[9:11] fabric of time and space is the fabric

[9:13] of my pants.

[9:16] >> [applause]

[9:16] >> Call me.

[9:17] Beautiful beautifully written.

[9:20] >> [applause]

[9:21] >> Call me.

[9:22] >> Call me, yeah. It ends, yeah.

[9:25] Now, here's an important one. This is

[9:26] September 9th, 1945. Dear President

[9:28] Truman,

[9:29] glad you like the atomic bomb. I've got

[9:31] an idea for another super weapon, a

[9:33] rocket full of bees. I'll keep you

[9:35] posted.

[9:37] Albert Einstein.

[9:39] >> [applause]

[9:40] >> You know if you get that guy that Girls

[9:42] Gone Wild video guy on?

[9:46] Joe Francis.

[9:46] >> [applause]

[9:47] >> Joe Francis. Yeah.

[9:49] He's got a huge spread in Punta de Mita,

[9:52] Mexico Yeah. where celebrities love to

[9:54] frolic.

[9:55] >> They go down there. Yeah.

[9:57] Kraft Foods. A letter to Kraft Foods.

[9:59] Dear sirs,

[10:01] uh after much research, I finally

[10:02] perfected a formula for aerosol cheese.

[10:05] Please Please reply if interested.

[10:07] Aerosol cheese. Einstein.

[10:09] >> Einstein, yeah. Takes an Einstein.

[10:11] >> Yeah.

[10:14] Uh Oh, this is fascinating. This is a

[10:16] letter to Mrs. Roosevelt, Eleanor

[10:17] Roosevelt.

[10:18] >> Roosevelt.

[10:18] >> Yeah. Eleanor Roosevelt. Uh Are you sure

[10:20] you don't want to become mistress number

[10:21] four?

[10:24] According to my calculations, it's just

[10:27] what you need. Call me.

[10:29] According to his calculations.

[10:32] I see.

[10:33] >> Oh, now here's a a good letter. This is

[10:35] to Ingvar Kamprad, founder and president

[10:37] of IKEA, to Stockholm, Sweden.

[10:40] Uh this is from Albert Einstein. Sir,

[10:42] I've wasted an entire weekend trying to

[10:44] assemble this stupid coffee table.

[10:49] Give me

[10:50] >> [applause]

[10:51] >> Give me a refund or I'll sue your nuts

[10:53] off. Oh.

[10:56] He's got a mouth on him, that Einstein.

[10:58] He's got a some kind of a filthy potty

[11:00] mouth on him.

[11:04] Okay, that one.

[11:06] That one actually take it out upstairs.

[11:09] Okay. Oh, this is to a dear Mr. Bush

[11:13] to Mr. George H. W. Bush and Barbara

[11:15] Bush, parents of our current president.

[11:17] >> Uh-huh. In response to your question, I

[11:19] was indeed a slow learner as a child.

[11:24] Just be patient, and I'm sure your son

[11:26] will catch up.

[11:29] >> [applause]

[11:34] [applause]

[11:36] >> Right.

[11:37] Here's a letter from Albert Einstein to

[11:38] Johnson & Johnson. Mhm.

[11:41] Uh dear sirs, your conditioner does not

[11:43] work at all. My hair is still unruly

[11:45] flyaway

[11:48] and unruly flyaway mess.

[11:50] >> [applause]

[11:50] >> Please refund my purchase price of 25

[11:52] cents.

[11:59] Wouldn't it be Wouldn't it be

[12:00] hysterical? This is to the president

[12:03] founder of Sony Corporation. Wouldn't it

[12:05] be hysterical if you sold the those

[12:07] compact discs in wrappers that are

[12:10] impossible to open? Just a thought.

[12:13] Albert Einstein.

[12:14] >> [applause]

[12:18] [applause]

[12:20] >> This is to Ted and Donna Peterson. I

[12:22] don't recognize the names. Do you know

[12:24] the names?

[12:24] >> No, I'm not sure who they are. I have

[12:26] the knowledge to make an atomic bomb,

[12:28] and if I catch your dog crapping on my

[12:30] lawn one more time, I'm going to use it.

[12:33] Wow.

[12:34] Your neighbor Your neighbor, Albert

[12:36] Einstein.

[12:37] Well, there you go. Just a few letters

[12:39] from the [applause] uh

[12:40] home of Albert Einstein.

[12:41] >> Kelly. Very interesting, lovely,

[12:43] wonderful, historic, fascinating

[12:45] fascinating documents.

[12:46] >> Food for thought.

[12:47] >> [laughter]

[12:48] >> All right. We'll be right back with

[12:50] tonight's top 10 list and Jamie Fox.

[12:54] >> [music]

[13:00] >> They say that in life, there's only room

[13:04] for one great passion.

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[14:00] How does Cheez-It do it?

[14:02] I know.

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[14:07] >> [music]

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[14:17] >> Cheez-It.

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[15:01] stay tuned for the following public

[15:03] announcement. The government and private

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[15:11] Properties may be sold for low or no

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[16:07] >> [music]

[16:08] >> Thank you very much, Paul. Paul Shaffer

[16:10] in the CBS Paul Shaffer Band.

[16:15] We [applause] uh

[16:17] been reading some personal letters from

[16:19] Albert Einstein, and they're they're

[16:21] fascinating.

[16:22] I found another one. This is to the

[16:23] editor-in-chief of the Journal of

[16:25] Advanced Physics in Vienna in Vienna.

[16:28] Uh dear sir, did my manuscript already

[16:30] go to the printer? It's a question.

[16:32] I just discovered a typo. It should read

[16:34] E = MC cubed.

[16:37] Get out. Get out.

[16:39] >> E [applause] = MC cubed. After all this

[16:42] >> Wow.

[16:43] a typo? Yes. And we have been All right,

[16:47] Paul.

[16:50] >> [laughter]

[16:51] >> Here's Here's another one.

[16:54] To the the Hershey Chocolate Company.

[16:56] >> Yeah.

[16:57] Uh 1935. Mhm. Uh dear sir, after

[17:01] sampling your new Milk Duds This is to

[17:02] Milton Hershey, president of the Hershey

[17:04] Chocolate Company.

[17:05] >> Yes. Milk Duds. Dear sir, after sampling

[17:06] your new Milk Duds, I can honestly say

[17:08] you are the genius, my friend.

[17:10] >> Wow.

[17:12] >> [applause]

[17:13] >> Albert Einstein. He has a lovely side to

[17:15] him. Yeah.

[17:16] >> [cheering]

[17:16] >> That's right. Uh Jamie Fox and Tom

[17:19] Dreesen on the program. Now, Paul and I

[17:20] were having dinner the other night at

[17:23] Joe Franklin's uh

[17:24] Memory Lane restaurant. Celebrity Memory

[17:27] Lane on 8th Avenue.

[17:28] >> Yeah, exactly. And we ran into a guy who

[17:31] who works here. He's Johnny Dark. He's a

[17:32] been a page for 39 years at CBS, and

[17:34] it's crazy. And we said, "Well, that's

[17:36] ridiculous. You should be on the show,

[17:37] and we'll talk about the things that

[17:39] have happened to you in 39 years in your

[17:40] life and whatever else is going on."

[17:42] Turned out to be a wonderful guy. Uh

[17:44] here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the

[17:45] oldest page here at CBS. He's been with

[17:47] us for 39 years. Johnny Dark, everybody.

[17:58] Johnny, good to see you.

[18:00] >> [applause]

[18:00] >> Thank you very much for being here, and

[18:02] uh I don't want to embarrass you, but I

[18:04] know you had a birthday last week.

[18:06] That's right.

[18:06] >> Yeah. Hey, thanks for the bottle of

[18:08] champagne.

[18:09] >> Well, it's my pleasure. My pleasure.

[18:11] >> [laughter]

[18:11] >> Yeah, bottle of booze. The perfect gift

[18:14] for a recovering alcoholic.

[18:17] Appreciate it.

[18:18] >> Yeah, well, I'm I'm sorry. Now,

[18:20] Johnny,

[18:21] I'm sure our audience would love to hear

[18:23] about your job. What does a CBS page do?

[18:26] Well, I can tell you one thing. It isn't

[18:28] as brutal as the first 10 minutes of

[18:31] this show, boy.

[18:33] Yeah, wait a minute.

[18:34] Wait a minute. We had some trouble.

[18:35] >> Here uh

[18:37] Let me show you what I did this

[18:38] afternoon.

[18:39] >> Okay, good.

[18:40] And this is David Letterman's office.

[18:42] >> Really?

[18:43] >> Yes. He's taking a nap. He usually does

[18:46] that on the show.

[18:48] >> [laughter]

[18:50] >> Voilà.

[18:54] >> [laughter]

[18:57] >> Well,

[18:58] I guess you showed [applause] me.

[19:01] HEY, SHAFFER.

[19:03] IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT, AND I'M NOT ROCKING

[19:05] OUT TO LOVERBOY. HELP A brother out.

[19:10] >> [music]

[19:14] [music]

[19:20] [applause]

[19:21] >> You know what it's time for, Paul?

[19:22] >> What's that? Will It Float? Here we go.

[19:32] >> [music]

[19:33] >> All right. There's the Will It Float

[19:35] home game, and now also available in the

[19:38] popular Xbox format.

[19:40] >> Yes.

[19:41] Oh.

[19:42] Alan, what is tonight's Will It Float

[19:43] item, please? Hi, I'm Alan Colter, TV's

[19:46] Uncle Jerry.

[19:47] >> I'm not sure.

[19:49] Dave, tonight's item is a 1 and 1/4

[19:52] gallon jug of Gojo brand natural orange

[19:56] pumice or pumice in the United States

[19:59] hand cleaner.

[20:02] >> [laughter]

[20:03] >> Gojo hand cleaner. What kind of

[20:05] container?

[20:06] Plastic.

[20:07] >> Plastic. Float. Float. Float. What are

[20:10] we playing for? We're playing

[20:13] for A HOT TUB. OH.

[20:16] Back to you, Dave. I'd like to have a

[20:18] hot tub.

[20:18] >> [applause]

[20:19] >> Relax after Yeah, soothing cocktail.

[20:21] Mhm, getting a hot tub. Uh Paul, I say

[20:23] it will float. Any thoughts?

[20:24] >> I think pumice could very well be denser

[20:27] and heavier than water. So, I'm going to

[20:30] say it may sink.

[20:30] >> Well, no, no. I I think what we know

[20:32] about pumice is that it actually is is

[20:34] so full of air that it will float almost

[20:36] irrespective of the container.

[20:38] Pumice can be a a solid thing that you

[20:40] you scrape off dead skin with.

[20:43] >> And I believe pumice actually floats.

[20:45] It's a stone that floats.

[20:46] >> A stone that floats?

[20:47] >> That's what I believe. That's what I

[20:48] know about pumice. But I Hey, I'm no

[20:49] Einstein.

[20:52] All right, I'll go with you then. What

[20:53] am I going to All right, let's bring up

[20:55] the thing and play will it float. Here

[20:56] we go, ladies and gentlemen.

[20:59] Hi girls, how's it going?

[21:01] Whoa, Nelly.

[21:03] Howdy.

[21:05] Anytime you're ready.

[21:10] >> [music]

[21:16] >> All right, very much.

[21:18] That's how we play will it float. We'll

[21:20] see you later.

[21:21] >> [music]

[21:29] [music]

[21:32] >> There was just that one little moment of

[21:34] drama.

[21:36] When it submerged and looked like it

[21:38] might stay submerged. But then it popped

[21:40] right back up.

[21:41] >> a stone that floats.

[21:41] >> was exciting. That's why I love That's

[21:43] why I love that segment. Go new. Go new.

[21:45] >> Ladies and gentlemen, here's tonight's

[21:46] top 10 list. Let's try that.

[22:01] This is a good category because we're

[22:03] all in this together. Top 10 dumb guy

[22:05] ideas for lowering gas prices. Gas is

[22:07] now what? Four, five bucks a gallon?

[22:10] It's insane. I filled up my car over the

[22:12] weekend, 80 bucks. 80 damn dollars to

[22:14] put gas in your car. Isn't that crazy? I

[22:16] mean, in the old days you could go to a

[22:18] used car lot and for 80 bucks buy a damn

[22:20] car.

[22:21] Honest to god, remember? Of course,

[22:23] yeah. Now, 80 bucks.

[22:24] >> [applause]

[22:27] >> Uh here now, dumb guy ideas for lowering

[22:30] gas prices. Number 10.

[22:32] Uh make all roads downhill. You see,

[22:34] that's a dumb guy That's the way a dumb

[22:35] guy thinks. And number nine, cheaper

[22:37] self-service price if you pump the oil

[22:39] and refine it yourself.

[22:42] Uh number eight, gas comes from

[22:43] dinosaurs, so all we need are more

[22:44] dinosaurs.

[22:47] Uh number seven, invade Iraq.

[22:52] >> [applause]

[22:56] >> Wow.

[22:58] I was momentarily distracted by that

[23:00] mysterious figure crossing the street.

[23:02] Did you see him, Paul? Okay, we're all

[23:03] back.

[23:03] >> Right behind number seven. I don't know

[23:05] if there's any way to go back, but there

[23:06] was a guy, very mysterious figure

[23:08] crossing the street behind number seven.

[23:10] >> have witnessed a

[23:11] >> Really really caught my eye and I

[23:12] thought, well, that's odd. Can we go

[23:14] back there?

[23:14] >> I think you may have witnessed a murder.

[23:16] >> number 10, fine. Here's number nine.

[23:19] Let's see it. There's number nine. Yeah.

[23:22] Okay, now watch it starts on the

[23:23] right-hand side of the screen. On the

[23:24] right hand, no. Okay, here comes number

[23:26] eight. Here he comes.

[23:27] >> Oh.

[23:29] Look at this guy. That's you. I think

[23:31] that's you.

[23:31] >> I don't think it is me.

[23:33] What do you suppose that guy is doing?

[23:36] I don't know. What time is it?

[23:37] >> [laughter]

[23:38] >> Is Zorro on?

[23:41] Uh number six, give Cheney a sawed-off

[23:43] shotgun and have him stick up an Exxon.

[23:44] Number five.

[23:46] Number five, tax cuts for the rich.

[23:48] Number four.

[23:50] Get Bush in the Middle East to

[23:51] straighten everything out on Oprah.

[23:53] There he goes again.

[23:54] There goes that guy again.

[23:57] >> [applause]

[23:58] >> Uh number three, jetpacks for everyone.

[24:00] Number two.

[24:01] Gas only costs 12 cents a gallon in

[24:03] Venezuela. Drive to Venezuela for gas.

[24:07] And the number one dumb guy ideas for

[24:09] lowering gas prices, get tubby genius Al

[24:11] Gore to figure it out. There you go.

[24:20] >> [music]

[24:24] >> UH WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, LADIES AND

[24:25] GENTLEMEN, WITH JAMIE FOX.

[24:27] >> [music]

[24:29] [applause]

[24:33] >> BUY V FOR Vendetta on a two-disc

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[27:25] >> I don't know. I don't know why I was

[27:27] I have no idea what I was doing over

[27:28] there. I think

[27:29] I saw you with Jamie Fox.

[27:30] >> thank you, Paul.

[27:33] Our first guest is an Academy

[27:35] Award-winning actor starring in the big

[27:37] film version of the popular television

[27:38] series Miami Vice. It opened today.

[27:40] Here's Jamie Fox, EVERYONE.

[28:01] ALL RIGHT.

[28:01] >> WELCOME BACK TO THE PROGRAM. YEAH. How

[28:03] are you doing? Good.

[28:05] >> [laughter]

[28:06] >> You ever see somebody in the club

[28:07] walking like that and they bumping

[28:08] everything? Like

[28:11] >> [laughter]

[28:11] >> I saw Puffy do that. Puffy just bounced

[28:13] over everything.

[28:18] Oh, you know, some people take their

[28:19] glasses off, they look weird and take

[28:20] them off.

[28:27] Well, NO, I'M JUST

[28:30] >> [cheering]

[28:34] [applause]

[28:35] >> ALL IN THE GLASSES. ALL IN THE WELL,

[28:38] WELL.

[28:40] How's your summer going? Summer's going

[28:42] great, man. I'm having a good time. It's

[28:43] a little hot, but you know, I'm making

[28:44] it through. It's just fun. You excited

[28:46] about Miami Vice? Miami Vice. Oh, yes.

[28:48] Incredible. Uh come to your buddy Colin

[28:51] Farrell was here on on

[28:52] >> sexy Colin Farrell. At it

[28:55] again.

[28:56] He was here, right?

[28:57] >> That's right.

[28:57] >> Yeah, I know the ladies went crazy, man.

[29:00] You know, uh

[29:03] Yeah, he's got Even guys like like the

[29:05] way he looks.

[29:06] Is Is that right? Yeah, we was in Miami

[29:08] We was in Miami kind of country. Hey,

[29:09] man. Hey, you Is that Colin Farrell?

[29:10] Man, he's got a pretty mouth, man. He's

[29:11] got a real pretty mouth.

[29:14] I mean, in a heterosexual way, man. He's

[29:15] got a pretty mouth.

[29:17] >> [laughter]

[29:19] >> But here's how I understand it. After

[29:21] spending time in Miami, I don't know how

[29:24] how long you guys were there. Shortly

[29:25] thereafter, he had to go off and and and

[29:27] be in rehabilitation for a while because

[29:30] the the story was maybe there was too

[29:32] much fun. Was there any of that? Did you

[29:34] participate in any of that? I had

[29:35] nothing to do with it, man. No, I'm not

[29:37] I'm not blaming you.

[29:38] >> Oh, you're asking them cop questions.

[29:40] Like, where were you, James?

[29:41] I just wanted if you were aware of it.

[29:43] No, I yeah I yeah, we But you know,

[29:44] that's what we're supposed to do. I

[29:46] mean, you know, we're making money,

[29:47] we're doing movies, something's got to

[29:48] give.

[29:49] >> Yeah.

[29:50] >> [laughter]

[29:50] >> You know what I mean?

[29:52] You know, but but but on in his behalf

[29:54] though, I mean, he's a great guy. He He

[29:56] loves his parents. His parents is around

[29:57] with him. We just, you know, he's Irish,

[29:59] drinks a little, you know, he just has a

[30:01] good time.

[30:01] >> But now, when when you guys would Would

[30:03] you

[30:04] >> [laughter]

[30:07] >> Things happen when you're black. When

[30:09] the

[30:10] When you guys would would like go out or

[30:12] do stuff, was it was it crazy? Did it

[30:14] tend to get crazy? A lot a lot of a lot

[30:16] of It wasn't crazy crazy, but I mean,

[30:19] you I mean, we didn't we didn't go out

[30:20] in the Ferrari and read scriptures and

[30:22] nothing like that. I mean, we had to

[30:24] you know, but we threw a party in Miami.

[30:26] Uh it was a party and we This is the

[30:28] only one we threw. But 3,000 people,

[30:30] mostly women, and I I'll never forget

[30:32] everybody was there. Even Eddie Murphy

[30:34] was there and and and you know, I always

[30:36] scare Eddie, too. And because Eddie

[30:38] always has those those shades on, too.

[30:39] He's always real cool, you know what I'm

[30:41] saying? And I run in yelling, "Eddie!"

[30:42] And he shades.

[30:45] >> [laughter]

[30:45] >> So, Eddie was there, Shaq is there. I

[30:48] mean, everybody's there. Jessica Simpson

[30:49] and I was on the mic hosting and I went

[30:52] I couldn't even get Colin Farrell. I

[30:53] just went and all the women just And it

[30:55] was a lot OF SPANISH WOMEN.

[31:04] THAT'S IT.

[31:06] >> [cheering]

[31:07] [music]

[31:11] [applause]

[31:12] >> WOW. YEAH, THAT'S IT. BUT HERE'S WHAT I

[31:14] DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm going to say, if I

[31:15] were to host a party, I don't care who

[31:16] I'd be hosting it with. I I couldn't get

[31:19] 3,000 women to show up

[31:21] if the party lasted for the next 10

[31:23] years.

[31:25] It depends on what you're giving away at

[31:27] the party though, really.

[31:29] >> [laughter]

[31:31] >> Ah.

[31:32] >> [applause]

[31:35] >> And you mentioned the Ferrari and

[31:37] what I noticed about the the film is it

[31:39] seems like Colin is driving the Ferrari.

[31:41] >> Yeah, he got all the fun. And and it

[31:43] looks like looks like you you may be

[31:45] flying the plane. Is that how it breaks

[31:46] down?

[31:46] >> Yeah, I flew the plane, which is a

[31:47] great, you know, you don't see a lot of

[31:49] brothers flying planes, so I think

[31:51] we were definitely trying to you know,

[31:52] for African-Americans, let them know

[31:55] No, I'm just I'm just kidding. But I You

[31:57] know, I I wanted to drive a a good car,

[31:59] but for some reason, Michael Mann

[32:00] wouldn't give me a good car. He was like

[32:02] He was like, you know, wait till you see

[32:03] the cars you guys got to drive. I'm

[32:05] like, "Yeah!" And he said Colin's going

[32:07] to have the Ferrari and I'm like, "Oh,

[32:08] man, that's great. What am I going to

[32:10] have?" You're going to get the shiny

[32:11] Cadillac.

[32:14] I want to get you a bucket of chicken in

[32:16] the back of whatever.

[32:18] Not that I don't like chicken. I love

[32:21] But I just said, "Listen, man, I'll just

[32:22] ride everywhere."

[32:24] In the movie, I just ride it Take a Take

[32:26] a right. Take a right.

[32:27] >> [laughter]

[32:28] >> Who's back out there? Who's back out

[32:29] there? Back there. Turn around.

[32:31] So, that's my thing.

[32:32] >> But here's here's the deal. Has it

[32:34] happened before that you have an Academy

[32:35] Award winner who also has a number one

[32:37] album? Has that Does that happen much?

[32:38] Doesn't happen at all, does it? Doesn't

[32:40] happen much. I do know the numbers on

[32:42] it.

[32:43] Frank Sinatra Oh.

[32:45] >> Uh Frank

[32:46] Bing Crosby, Barbra Streisand, and Jamie

[32:50] Foxx. Oh, wow.

[32:53] HOW ABOUT THAT?

[32:56] >> [applause]

[33:02] >> MAN.

[33:02] >> [applause]

[33:03] [music]

[33:06] >> AND UH

[33:07] BUT IT WAS ERNEST BORGNINE IS NOT ON

[33:08] that list. Is he on that list?

[33:11] Cuz he had the And now, maybe not the

[33:13] album. Maybe not the album.

[33:14] >> Wow.

[33:15] >> Uh But then now, what does that do to

[33:17] you? Does it make you feel like, "Well,

[33:18] this this is a pretty good career. Maybe

[33:20] I should go and do something else."

[33:22] >> When you're in the club and asking a

[33:23] girl to dance, you got a lot of leverage

[33:24] when it comes to that.

[33:26] Uh

[33:26] >> [laughter]

[33:27] >> You know, "Girl, you don't know I'm

[33:29] number four? You better get with it." Uh

[33:32] But sometimes, you know, it's I'm I'm

[33:34] doing a lot. I'm doing I'm almost doing

[33:35] too much. I know people getting sick of

[33:37] seeing me. I'm doing singing, I'm dan-

[33:38] I'm singing, I'm dancing. I got movies.

[33:41] I know people like, "Shut up."

[33:45] Ever Ever worry about that that that

[33:46] maybe it is I mean, but but what can you

[33:48] do if Even comics talk about Even you

[33:50] know Paul Mooney? Paul Mooney Paul

[33:52] Mooney was there. He was like, "I'm so

[33:54] sick of seeing Jamie Foxx. I'm so sick

[33:55] of He's everywhere. I looked at my

[33:57] driver's license, he was on that, too.

[33:58] I'm sick

[34:02] >> [laughter]

[34:03] >> Oh, brother brother brother. Oh, oh

[34:04] brother brother brother. Oh, brother

[34:05] brother brother brother.

[34:06] >> Brother, let me tell you this right now.

[34:07] [laughter]

[34:08] I love black people. I love black

[34:10] people. Then you would always leave with

[34:11] a white girl, right? Uh no, no.

[34:14] I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

[34:15] >> I'm kidding, Paul. I'm joking. Now, you

[34:17] uh

[34:19] Uh Colin was telling us that he went out

[34:21] on some phony drug bust and they had

[34:24] were tricking him and were were

[34:25] pretending him that it had gone haywire

[34:27] and he was in trouble. Did you do any of

[34:28] that kind of stuff for the film?

[34:29] >> No, I didn't do any of that. I didn't

[34:31] you know, drugs and

[34:32] and peo- I didn't want it to get mixed

[34:34] up, you know, like they actually thought

[34:35] that I really had something to do with

[34:36] it just in case they hadn't seen any of

[34:37] my films and stuff and thought that I

[34:39] was the real thing. I don't really want

[34:40] to go to jail, but but

[34:44] But what I But I what I did do I I shot

[34:46] a lot of guns. We shot a lot of real

[34:49] after I got my bravery up. We were

[34:50] shooting live rounds and it was all You

[34:52] know, it's always that guy that's

[34:53] overdoing it. "Hey, Jamie, don't worry

[34:54] about a thing. You're going to be fine.

[34:57] The last guy I had, now, there was a

[34:59] little mishap where he shot his artery

[35:01] and he died.

[35:03] And he bled to death and I couldn't get

[35:05] to him. He was 2 ft away from me, but

[35:06] anyway, you're going to be fine.

[35:08] So, who's first? I'm like, "Colin, you

[35:10] want to

[35:12] It's scary though, isn't it? And kind of

[35:13] a weapon once you just get close to the

[35:15] trigger, you realize, "Oh my gosh, this

[35:17] is irrevocable."

[35:18] >> That's why I was like, "I don't even

[35:19] really need a real gun. They can CGI my

[35:21] gun in my hand if they need

[35:23] >> [laughter]

[35:25] >> Uh the

[35:27] uh the clip we're going to see here is

[35:28] what?

[35:30] This is Miami Vice and it's a um

[35:34] It's Miami Vice and this is where we are

[35:37] doing our thing. You know it, you love

[35:39] it, and we are trying to we are trying

[35:41] to get it going. We're trying to

[35:43] uh You don't know what the clip is.

[35:44] >> know what the clip is.

[35:48] >> [applause]

[35:49] >> But it was

[35:51] It It This production would not have

[35:53] happened if it weren't for your idea to

[35:55] make it into a film. Is that how it

[35:57] worked? I was If you know anything about

[35:59] Michael Mann, he does very deep, you

[36:01] know, critically acclaimed movies. He

[36:02] did Ali, did Heat, and I was like, you

[36:04] know, I was a fan. I was like, "I know

[36:06] you had something to do with the

[36:07] television series Miami Vice. That's

[36:09] what we should do for the next film." He

[36:12] was like, "Get out of here." And I said,

[36:13] "Listen, how dope would it be to be

[36:15] sitting in a theater and you see that

[36:17] monster car come up and it turn

[36:18] sideways, you see the clothes, you see

[36:20] the car, you see the wheels, and on the

[36:22] back of the license plate it says Vice,

[36:24] and then you hear that theme song?

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:33] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[36:36] Yeah.

[36:40] Yeah. Great. Great. Great.

[36:42] So, if you got You got to make that.

[36:48] >> [applause]

[36:52] >> Yeah.

[36:57] How about that?

[37:03] Pretty good.

[37:09] Yeah. Yeah.

[37:10] That was hot. That was hot.

[37:12] THAT WAS HOT.

[37:12] >> [applause]

[37:16] >> UH ANYWAY, SO NOW it is it's a film and

[37:18] we have a clip here and you've had a

[37:20] second to think it over.

[37:21] >> I did. Now, what this clip is is myself

[37:24] and Colin Farrell

[37:25] in Miami Vice.

[37:26] >> All right.

[37:27] Let's take a look.

[37:30] So, what's the weight?

[37:31] First, let's talk logistics.

[37:33] You pick up a load, you fly it in the

[37:35] hole, we tell you the drop point, and

[37:38] our people then move it on up the road.

[37:40] >> People at the drop point are our people,

[37:41] not yours.

[37:43] You know, so there's no tweakers,

[37:44] dopers, first-timers,

[37:46] people we don't know.

[37:49] They didn't do time with us, they didn't

[37:50] do crime with us. Once we pick up the

[37:51] load,

[37:52] the next time you hear from us, it'll be

[37:54] a date, time, and a place. Like there's

[37:56] a 18-wheeler in the parking lot in North

[37:57] Miami with the keys in the ignition. You

[37:59] pick it up, you drive away, smooth.

[38:02] That's how we do it.

[38:03] Yeah.

[38:04] Exactly how we do it.

[38:06] That's exactly how we do it. Exactly.

[38:09] Miami Vice open today. Jamie, always a

[38:11] pleasure. Have a great rest of the

[38:13] summer. Jamie Foxx everybody. We'll be

[38:15] right back with Tom Green soon.

[38:17] >> [music]

[38:22] >> As you can see on my chart here, sales

[38:23] have exceeded

[38:24] >> What is that? Small business owner. They

[38:27] come in looking for loans. But we only

[38:29] care about big business. quarters. Our

[38:31] cash Whoa.

[38:34] This Our cash They normally catch on

[38:37] fire like that?

[38:38] Yeah, let's get some lunch. Does your

[38:40] bank think small about your small

[38:42] business? Call Capital One instead for

[38:44] no hassle business loans, lines of

[38:45] credit, and credit cards. Hello, Capital

[38:47] One?

[38:48] What's in your wallet? Ooh, I want a

[38:49] loan. I want a loan.

[38:52] Who cried? I didn't. Not me. It was a

[38:55] sad ending and everything. I just

[38:58] That's called concentrating on the

[38:59] moment.

[39:00] >> [laughter]

[39:01] >> I wasn't crying, okay? I mean,

[39:03] seriously, I don't know why you guys

[39:11] Holy

[39:24] Hey. Hey.

[39:26] That'll be 75. It

[39:29] It's usually $30.

[39:32] I went to Vegas last weekend.

[39:34] Pretty crazy.

[39:36] Although, it seemed like you were having

[39:38] a much better time.

[39:43] So, 75? Yep.

[39:47] Nice job on the lawn today. We aim to

[39:50] please.

[39:56] >> [music]

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[40:22] The All-Stars are ahead.

[40:23] >> It's huge.

[40:25] >> Newsweek says [music] Big Brother is

[40:26] still TV's best guilty pleasure.

[40:28] >> You got that right.

[40:30] A new Big Brother All-Stars, CBS Sunday.

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[42:08] >> [music]

[42:10] >> Thank you very much.

[42:12] Nice job there, Paul.

[42:15] Ladies and gentlemen, time now for Biff

[42:18] Henderson's Where Are They Now? Biff.

[42:24] >> [music]

[42:29] >> From vaudeville and Broadway to film and

[42:32] television, Buddy Ebsen did it all. An

[42:35] accomplished actor, singer, and dancer,

[42:38] he became a household name as Jed

[42:40] Clampett in The Beverly Hillbillies. A

[42:43] decade later, he delighted a new

[42:45] generation of fans as Barnaby Jones. And

[42:48] he continued acting well into his 90s on

[42:50] such current programs as King of the

[42:52] Hill.

[42:53] So, where is Buddy Ebsen today?

[42:56] He's dead.

[42:59] >> [music]

[43:07] >> Thank you so much. We'll be right back

[43:08] WITH TOM DREESEN.

[43:11] >> [music]

[43:15] >> I KEEP A close watch on this heart of

[43:19] mine.

[43:21] >> [music]

[43:21] >> I keep my eyes wide open all the time.

[43:27] I keep the ends [music]

[43:29] out for the tie that binds

[43:33] because you're mine.

[43:36] >> [music]

[43:36] >> I walk the line.

[43:39] Because you're mine.

[43:42] I walk the line.

[43:45] The New York Times is raving. Oh, Clerks

[43:47] II is winning [music] and moving. That

[43:49] sounds so made up.

[43:50] >> It has a dirty mind, but its heart is

[43:52] pure.

[43:53] >> and I can't look away.

[43:55] >> It's scathingly funny. [music] Yep. Yep.

[43:57] Oh! Clerks II, rated R. Now playing

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[44:00] So, what do I got, Max?

[44:02] Go get it, Max.

[44:03] Max, go get it.

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[44:10] your Glade PlugIns for a fresh, clean

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[44:13] >> Plug it in. Plug it in.

[44:15] Next on The Late Late Show, Mel Gibson

[44:17] was busted on a DUI in Malibu today.

[44:20] Busted! Mel Gibson, I know, God's

[44:23] friend, Mel Gibson, busted.

[44:25] I know what she wants.

[44:27] Magic.

[44:29] TWICE THE FUN. OW, that hurt. Catch

[44:32] special episodes of TV's coolest comedy.

[44:35] >> I want to give you the package.

[44:36] >> You've already given me the package.

[44:38] >> You deserve a big package.

[44:40] >> You've got a huge package. How I Met

[44:42] Your Mother before and after Two and a

[44:43] Half Men, CBS Monday.

[44:46] Hello, I'm a Mac. Hello, I'm a PC. We

[44:49] have a lot in common these days. We both

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[44:53] It's great. We just get along.

[44:56] PC? Yep.

[44:58] Okay.

[45:00] Hi, I'm a PC. Okay, we're past that. We

[45:02] moved beyond that.

[45:03] >> Yeah, I had to restart there. You You

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[45:05] >> Oh, actually, I don't.

[45:06] >> Oh, what? Macs don't have to?

[45:10] Had him, then we lost him.

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[45:13] Keep an eye on him.

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[45:24] a sudden, a unicorn jumped in front of

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[45:32] >> Wait a minute. There's a 99 cent crispy

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[45:50] >> you could just waltz in here and cleanse

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[45:54] For you, the legal system's just a game

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[46:04] >> Oh, this should be fun. Yeah, Mardi

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[49:30] What are you going with there? Coke.

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[49:36] It's Coke. Do you believe everything

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[49:38] >> No, but I believe that's Coke Zero.

[49:40] >> So according to you, this really is

[49:42] world-famous Italian cuisine. Like

[49:43] people over in Kathmandu were going

[49:45] crazy about these calzones.

[49:46] >> Uh I don't know what they're doing over

[49:47] there.

[49:47] >> And I'm Sven of Hall Good Towing. You

[49:50] got to stop using your eyes, man.

[49:52] Start using this.

[49:53] >> Start using my sideburn.

[50:01] >> [music]

[50:06] >> Thank you very much.

[50:07] >> [applause]

[50:08] >> All right.

[50:10] Uh our next guest uh has authored a new

[50:13] one-man play entitled uh Shining Shoes

[50:16] and Sinatra, which will be performing

[50:18] he'll be performing September 9th at the

[50:21] uh Center East Theatre in Skokie,

[50:22] Illinois. Ladies and gentlemen, here's

[50:24] Tom Dreesen.

[50:26] >> [music]

[50:35] [music]

[50:38] >> Ho, ho.

[50:41] Aha.

[50:42] Let me just say uh you look tremendous.

[50:44] I haven't seen you in a while. You look

[50:45] uh rested, uh relaxed. I mean, you look

[50:48] in great shape. Anything different in

[50:50] your

[50:50] >> I'm in great shape, Dave. I found the

[50:51] secret to staying [clears throat] thin

[50:53] all your life.

[50:53] >> Really?

[50:54] >> Yeah. I uh I only eat when the Cubs win.

[50:57] Oh.

[50:59] It's a tough year, isn't it?

[51:00] >> It's yet.

[51:02] >> [applause]

[51:02] >> You know, you don't I don't know if you

[51:03] know this or not. I I as you know, I

[51:05] tour around the world, but the Japanese

[51:08] eat very little fat and they suffer

[51:10] fewer heart attacks than Americans. The

[51:12] Mexicans eat a great deal of fat and

[51:14] they suffer fewer heart attacks than

[51:15] Americans. Africans drink very little

[51:18] wine

[51:19] and they suffer fewer heart attacks than

[51:21] Americans, but Italians drink a great

[51:22] deal of wine and they suffer fewer heart

[51:24] attacks than Americans.

[51:25] >> What's going on, you sport? Well, uh you

[51:26] know, eat and drink all you want, speak

[51:28] in English is killing us.

[51:32] I must

[51:33] That's just the only conclusion.

[51:35] >> [applause]

[51:37] >> Now, uh was it recently that you

[51:39] performed at your old high school? What

[51:40] was that? Was that the one-man show?

[51:42] One-man show, Shining Shoes and Sinatra.

[51:44] I went back to Thornton Township High

[51:45] School in Harvey, Illinois, my hometown.

[51:47] And uh all the alumni came back.

[51:49] Everybody came back and it was really

[51:50] kind of exciting. You know, Thomas Wolfe

[51:52] said you can't go back.

[51:54] >> Sure. But I went back to raise money for

[51:55] the high school to because a lot of the

[51:57] programs have been dropped because of

[51:58] budget cuts. So I end up doing my

[52:00] one-man show there and and seeing old

[52:02] friends, but performing in on in your

[52:05] high school that you went to, you know.

[52:07] Actually, I was a high school dropout.

[52:08] But to go back, I mean, I can't tell you

[52:10] what that was like.

[52:11] And to see all those people, I I saw a

[52:13] coach

[52:14] I don't know if you remember. I I had a

[52:15] coach there named Raderer. I I was on an

[52:17] all-black basketball team, you know

[52:18] that. I was the only only white kid on

[52:20] an all-black basketball team. And we had

[52:22] a coach Raderer, black coach, who was

[52:24] like the black Vince Lombardi. And he

[52:26] would he would even fire me up. He's an

[52:28] old guy now and he sees me and he said,

[52:29] "Tommy, you can take this play to

[52:30] Broadway. You know you can do that."

[52:32] But I I [clears throat] I remember we

[52:35] would play when we played an all-black

[52:37] team

[52:38] at halftime, you know, I mean, we I'm

[52:40] sorry. We were an all-black team. I'm

[52:41] the only white kid. We were playing an

[52:42] all-white team. At halftime, he would

[52:44] give them those Vince Lombardi speeches,

[52:45] almost borderline racial because he

[52:47] would say to the all these white kids we

[52:49] were playing against and he'd say say to

[52:50] us in the locker room, he'd say, "All

[52:52] right. Don't tell me them white boys

[52:54] can't run you. I ain't talking about

[52:55] you, Tom."

[52:59] IS IT

[53:00] >> [laughter]

[53:00] >> "DON'T TELL ME THEM white boys can't

[53:01] defense you. I ain't talking about you,

[53:03] Tom."

[53:04] He'd say, "Don't tell me them white boys

[53:05] can't shoot you." And the whole team

[53:07] would look at me and say, "He ain't

[53:07] talking about you, Tom."

[53:10] Did you and I'm sure this happens all

[53:12] the time that because you do so much of

[53:14] your material from experiences you had

[53:16] in your old neighborhood that and you

[53:17] talk about people, you you must hear

[53:18] from people that you talk about all the

[53:20] time. Yeah, and and they you know, some

[53:22] I'll tell you a great story about that.

[53:23] You know, I did a lot of material about

[53:24] going to Catholic school. You know, you

[53:26] saw me when I started out, you know. I

[53:27] lot and I I used to do a routine about a

[53:30] priest, Father Butler, an old Irish

[53:33] priest who really was like 84 years old

[53:35] and stone deaf.

[53:36] When you went to confession, you would

[53:37] scream your sins down the block.

[53:40] And I used to do this routine I remember

[53:41] I I

[53:42] routine

[53:43] that I in eighth grade I used to suffer

[53:44] from impure thoughts and I used to date

[53:46] a girl named Cassie and I'd say, "Bless

[53:48] me, Father, for I have sinned. I had

[53:49] impure thoughts about my girl, Cassie."

[53:51] And he'd go, "Hey!" I'd say, "Father, I

[53:52] had impure thoughts about my girlfriend,

[53:54] Cassie's." "You had impure thoughts

[53:55] about Lassie? What the hell's wrong with

[53:57] you?"

[53:58] Ouch. Oh my god.

[54:00] >> But now, I go home one time.

[54:02] >> [laughter]

[54:05] >> I go home

[54:06] and I'm performing in in in Chicago and

[54:08] Father Chevelin, this other priest,

[54:10] Irish priest, calls me and he said,

[54:11] "Thomas, I need to talk to you." When

[54:12] they call you by your saint's name, you

[54:13] got a problem here.

[54:15] So I go I go I meet with him for lunch

[54:17] and and I said, "Father, what can I do

[54:19] for you?" And he has a Harvey's Bristol

[54:20] Cream and he he said, "I'll talk to

[54:21] you." And he had another Harvey's

[54:23] Bristol Cream and I could see he was

[54:24] having a difficult time. I said,

[54:25] "Father, what is it? What can what can I

[54:27] talk to you about?" He said, "Thomas, I

[54:29] saw you on the Johnny Carson show

[54:31] talking about dear old Father Butler."

[54:33] And I said, "Yes, Father." He said, "Did

[54:34] you know that Father Butler's passed on

[54:37] now?" And I said, "Yes, Father." And I

[54:38] thought he's going to chew me out. He

[54:39] said, "Well, now that Father Butler's

[54:41] passed on, you think you might talk

[54:42] about me on the Johnny Carson show?"

[54:47] That's very cute. [applause]

[54:52] And

[54:54] and and how how is your personal life?

[54:56] Dating, seeing anybody? Uh Uh Dave, I

[54:59] couldn't get lucky if I was passing out

[55:01] pardons in a woman's prison, but

[55:04] >> But

[55:05] >> [laughter]

[55:06] >> I have never heard that. But uh

[55:08] But uh

[55:10] But no, I I You know, I'm dating

[55:12] different girls and I can't I'm you

[55:13] know, I I haven't I I found out that

[55:16] women you know, a woman once said, "To

[55:18] know one man is to know all men. To know

[55:20] one woman is to know just that woman."

[55:23] You know, and I agree with that except

[55:24] they have all have one thing in common.

[55:25] That brain in a woman's mind is nothing

[55:27] but a database for everything you ever

[55:30] did wrong in your life.

[55:32] And they store it there. When I first

[55:34] got married, you remember my ex-wife?

[55:35] Plaintiff.

[55:41] >> [applause]

[55:45] >> When I when I when I first got married

[55:48] we were married a couple weeks and this

[55:50] is a true story. She said to me, "I need

[55:52] to use the car." And we only had one

[55:54] car, obviously. It was a Ford. I just

[55:55] came out of the service and and I said,

[55:57] "Okay, but you have to pick me up from

[55:58] work." And I was working at a factory

[56:00] and I came out of the factory and she

[56:02] you know, was waiting for the pub and a

[56:03] girl that I had gone to high school with

[56:04] happened to be walking by at the time.

[56:06] Her name was Pamela and I remember she

[56:07] had on a red sweater.

[56:09] And I I was talking to her when my ex

[56:11] pulled up and she

[56:13] I got in the car and she said, "Who was

[56:15] that?" And I said, "It's Pamela. We went

[56:17] to high school together."

[56:19] She never said a word. 24 years later

[56:22] she came from Bloomingdale's one day.

[56:23] Came in the house and I she had on a red

[56:25] sweater. And I said, "You know, that

[56:26] sweater looks a little bit big on you."

[56:27] She said, "It looked better ON PAMELA."

[56:35] NOW, MY BRAIN

[56:37] I GOT TO GO BACK through 24 years.

[56:39] Pamela, Pamela, Pamela, 1977, 1976,

[56:42] 1975.

[56:43] They never forget.

[56:45] >> Uh now, I want to mention one thing.

[56:46] There is the uh Tom Dreesen Celebrity

[56:48] Invitational Golf Tournament August 14th

[56:50] through the 16th at uh Bolingbrook,

[56:52] Illinois. At Bolingbrook, Illinois.

[56:54] >> That'll be a big event, I'm I'm sure.

[56:55] Doing a big show in Skokie, Illinois.

[56:57] >> one-man show is uh we'll be soon to see

[56:59] that September 19th.

[57:00] >> and Sinatra in Skokie, Illinois at

[57:02] Center East Theatre.

[57:04] >> Skokie, Illinois. Fair enough. Good to

[57:05] see you, Tom.

[57:06] >> see you. Thank you very much. Tom

[57:07] Dreesen, everybody.

[57:09] We'll be right back.

[57:10] Nice job.

[57:12] >> [applause]

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[59:37] [music]

[59:38] visit them on the web or come tour their

[59:40] on-site showroom. The Waterside, [music]

[59:43] life with a view.

[59:45] Dear Dr. Z, I know that Chrysler

[59:47] invented the minivan, but how is the

[59:49] quality?

[59:51] Kim, check out our unique stow and go on

[59:54] this Chrysler Town & Country.

[59:56] But And it's five-star crash test rated.

[59:59] But Hey, look what I found. JD Power

[60:01] award for the highest ranked van in

[60:03] initial quality.

[60:08] It's [music] back. Employee pricing plus

[60:10] up to $2,500 cash allowance. Get our

[60:12] employee price on most 2006 Chrysler

[60:14] [music] vehicles.

[60:16] >> [applause]

[60:18] >> Beautiful.

[60:25] Lovely, Paul.

[60:26] >> [applause]

[60:27] >> You're right there.

[60:28] >> Right there. Yeah.

[60:29] Uh let me Get to Skokie, by the way. How

[60:31] many planes you have to take to get to

[60:32] Skokie?

[60:33] >> I think you can get right there. Skokie,

[60:34] Illinois. I'd fly right to Chicago and

[60:35] drive down to Skokie.

[60:36] >> Love to go to that opening.

[60:37] >> All right, you'll Shining shoes and act

[60:38] Sinatra.

[60:39] >> Yeah, we'll be there. Okay. Uh my thanks

[60:41] also to uh Jamie Fox. Now, uh we're

[60:43] going to give you folks at home a

[60:44] weekend to get over this.

[60:47] Uh Monday, we'll be back with Adam

[60:49] Sandler. Oh. Whoa! How about that?

[60:52] >> [applause]

[60:54] >> And um

[60:56] It's Julie Chen from uh the host of the,

[60:59] you know, the stuff the Big Brother and

[61:00] the CBS All that All that stuff. That's

[61:02] Julie Chen, the lovely here. Yeah, so

[61:04] So, you get rest up this weekend. We'll

[61:05] see you Monday. Thanks for watching

[61:06] tonight, everybody.

[61:08] >> [music]

[61:21] [music]

[61:43] [music]

[61:55] [music]

[62:05] [music]

[62:22] [music]

[62:31] >> Who's hungry?