The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS) - 2001-12-20 - 1 of 2

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Language: English (original, YouTube automatic captions)

[0:01] Happy holiday

[0:02] >> from all of us at 26 News,

[0:06] >> Joe Montanaia, James Carer. First

[0:08] Monday, a new series premiering January

[0:10] 15th.

[0:12] >> From New York, the greatest city in the

[0:15] world. It's the Late Show with David

[0:18] Letterman.

[0:22] Tonight, Jay Thomas, Elissa,

[0:27] and Lenny Krabbit.

[0:31] plus Bob Schaffer and the CBS Orchestra.

[0:38] And now,

[0:41] America's first line of defense against

[0:44] boredom,

[0:46] Dave

[0:47] Perman.

[1:07] There we go. Thank you very much.

[1:10] Thank you.

[1:14] How are you?

[1:16] Before we begin, I'd like to dedicate

[1:18] tonight's show to my friend Joe from

[1:20] Connecticut.

[1:33] Make sure you leave your number.

[1:39] Wow.

[1:41] All right. That just

[1:44] Welcome to the program, ladies and

[1:45] gentlemen. You're in luck. These jokes

[1:47] are all one sizefits-all. So,

[1:51] you know what? Have you had uh because

[1:54] of security, have you had problems with

[1:55] your holiday mailing? Here's what

[1:57] happened to me. You know, they're

[1:58] they're uh irradiating all of the it

[2:00] goes through some radiation process. All

[2:02] of the mail and and and I thought, well,

[2:04] it explains today I got some Omaha

[2:05] stakes. They were well done,

[2:08] ready to go.

[2:15] I was in a store earlier today doing

[2:17] some Christmas shopping and they got the

[2:19] department store Santa Claus and he's

[2:20] sitting right there on his lap. He's got

[2:22] like a paper strip across his lap. It

[2:23] says sanitize for your protection.

[2:26] >> I don't know what I have no idea what

[2:28] what's that all about.

[2:33] Uh the American Taliban fighter John

[2:35] Walker says that the uprising in the P

[2:37] camp was a mistake. That is what that's

[2:39] what he's saying. That's what he's

[2:40] saying. No, no, John. The mistake was

[2:42] getting drunk and signing up with the

[2:43] Taliban in the first place. That was the

[2:45] mistake. That was the mistake.

[2:55] Listen to this. They found one of Mulla

[2:57] Omar's vacant caves. And in the cave

[3:00] were about a half a dozen of videotapes.

[3:02] Yeah. And some of them some of them were

[3:04] overdue by about a week.

[3:14] bastard.

[3:20] >> And uh and Osama bin Laden now is uh

[3:23] he's so scared he's running around and

[3:25] he he shaved his beard and he's dressed

[3:27] up like a woman. He's he's running

[3:29] around. They think maybe got into

[3:30] Pakistan dressed as a woman. He's trying

[3:32] to pass himself off as Sigourney Weaver

[3:36] because Paul

[3:43] But insiders say Bin Laden is depressed.

[3:46] Insiders tell us Bin Laden is depressed.

[3:48] Now, here's what I don't understand.

[3:52] If we're talking to insiders,

[3:57] why don't we just get him to tell us

[3:59] where this is?

[4:08] Hey, look. It's your good friend Paul

[4:09] Schaper, everybody.

[4:32] Nice to see you, Paul. Paul and

[4:39] >> I think if I had to u if I had to pick

[4:42] one show of the year, I would have to

[4:43] say the Tonight Show is the most

[4:45] exciting show of any of the shows we do

[4:47] all year.

[4:47] >> Why is that?

[4:50] >> Why do you say that?

[4:51] >> I'll tell you why.

[4:55] >> First of all, a buddy of ours, Dave

[4:57] Dorset, uh is is celebrating. Dave, show

[4:59] the folks where you are. Right there

[5:00] behind the camera. Right there is Dave

[5:02] Dorset. Nice to see you, Dave.

[5:09] Listen to this, Paul. He's celebrating

[5:11] his 36th year. Is that right, Dave? 30

[5:13] 36th year at CBS. 36.

[5:16] >> Wow. 36th year at CBS.

[5:22] Congratulations.

[5:22] >> Yep. Look at that guy. Look at how good

[5:24] that guy looks. Look at him. Isn't that

[5:26] a good looking guy?

[5:27] >> Fantastic. He's great. his first job

[5:29] here at CBS. He was a camera operator on

[5:31] the soap opera The Secret Storm.

[5:33] >> Yeah, sure.

[5:33] >> Oh, The Secret Storm.

[5:35] >> Remember?

[5:35] >> Excellent gig.

[5:36] >> Yeah.

[5:38] >> Congratulations, Dave. Thank you for

[5:40] being with us. For we're lucky to have

[5:42] him.

[5:42] >> There you go.

[5:48] >> Lenny Kravitz is on this program,

[5:54] boy.

[6:00] Marissa Toé, Academy Award winner,

[6:02] Marissa Toé, star of the movie In the

[6:05] Bedroom.

[6:06] >> In the bedroom.

[6:08] >> And there's already Oscar buzz about her

[6:11] performance in In the Bedroom. Sure.

[6:13] >> And it's a it's a gritty uh motion

[6:15] picture portrayal depiction

[6:18] dramatization of things that happen in

[6:20] the bedroom.

[6:24] >> I'm sure it is.

[6:26] Lovely woman. And it's in theaters right

[6:28] now. And here's here's another reason

[6:30] why tonight's show is so darn exciting.

[6:32] I just can't imagine. I don't even know

[6:33] when we have a show this great, it makes

[6:35] me wonder why there are even other

[6:36] channels. Because

[6:39] listen to this. You see the thing up

[6:42] there?

[6:46] For the last three years in a row, our

[6:48] friend Jay Thomas comes in uh roughly

[6:51] this time of the holidays. I think it's,

[6:52] you know, like two or three days before

[6:53] Christmas. Then we have on top of the

[6:55] beautifully decorated tree, we have the

[6:57] uh the pizza.

[6:58] >> Then we have the uh Empire State

[7:00] Building. And then on top of that, we

[7:02] have one of Rupert G's meatballs from

[7:04] the Hello Deli.

[7:07] >> Jay Thomas comes. Is it Jay or Dave? Is

[7:09] it Dave Thomas or Jay Thomas?

[7:11] >> It's Jay Thomas. J. Dave Thomas is the

[7:14] guy from SCTV.

[7:15] >> Oh, no. Who's the guy with the

[7:16] hamburger?

[7:17] >> Well, that's Dave Thomas, too.

[7:18] >> It's not that guy.

[7:19] >> There's two Dave Thomas.

[7:20] >> Oh, no. It ain't It's not that J. No.

[7:22] No. it. I was thrown by the meatball.

[7:24] >> Uh

[7:26] >> Jay Thomas will come in here and this

[7:27] guy is quite an athlete. I mean, you

[7:29] wouldn't know what to look at the guy.

[7:31] >> Well, well, honestly, he's built like a

[7:33] jockey.

[7:34] >> Well, he's Yeah, he's compact.

[7:36] >> That's right. And he comes in here and

[7:37] he's from right over there, he'll take a

[7:39] football and he'll knock that he'll

[7:41] knock that meatball right off the tree.

[7:43] It's It's the most amazing thing you've

[7:45] ever seen after.

[7:46] >> And what a way to kick off the holidays.

[7:48] It's fantastic. And And he's here

[7:50] tonight. It ain't Christmas till Jay

[7:51] Thomas knocks that fell off.

[7:59] I remember

[8:02] the first night at a Vinnie Testde was

[8:04] here and he was throwing balls and he oh

[8:07] my arm

[8:08] >> missing missing

[8:09] >> and and Jay comes running in from the

[8:11] wings picks up a ball wings one knocks

[8:13] called the cops and that was

[8:16] >> okay I don't want to take up too much

[8:17] time with this but we got to go to the

[8:18] Oprah

[8:26] Man, I've got I have really pulled the

[8:30] pin on a grenade now. We're day 43 uh in

[8:34] our Oprah watch. Do we have the flashing

[8:36] red letters that say Oprah watch? Do we

[8:38] have those ready to go? All right, we'll

[8:39] get we'll put them in later. Watching at

[8:41] home.

[8:41] >> Put them in in post.

[8:42] >> Yeah, you'll see the big Oprah watch.

[8:44] Oprah watch. You'll see that later. Uh,

[8:48] it's day 43. Today is Thursday. And and

[8:50] I've not heard from Oprah. She said in

[8:52] the People magazine that we could be on

[8:54] her show. Yeah. They started

[8:56] demonstrating that today show. They said

[8:58] Dave should be on the Oprah show. We

[9:00] have not heard from here. And today's

[9:02] Today's entry, I would have to label

[9:04] this trouble in Chicago.

[9:08] >> Now, wait a minute. What's What do you

[9:10] What's going on? No, there's something

[9:11] we don't know. Something I haven't heard

[9:14] about. What's going on here?

[9:15] >> This This is amazing. This whole uh

[9:17] Oprah odyssey for me is is like a great

[9:20] novel. It's like a great work of

[9:21] fiction. It's like a tale of two cities.

[9:24] Every every page is a whole new reality.

[9:28] Yes. Reality. Yeah. And and here's what

[9:30] happened today. And and I blame myself.

[9:32] And the last thing you want to do is get

[9:34] Oprah upset. And And

[9:36] >> because she is the most powerful woman

[9:38] in America, if not if not the world. And

[9:40] and and I Paul and I love Oprah. We have

[9:43] nothing but the highest respect for

[9:44] Oprah. We think she's a fantastic

[9:46] communicator, broadcaster, and other

[9:49] things that she is. We think she's the

[9:50] best publisher,

[9:53] >> everything. So, so what you don't want

[9:55] to do is you don't want to get on the

[9:56] bad side of Oprah because she will

[9:57] squash you like a bug.

[10:00] >> And believe me, I know I was her first

[10:02] husband.

[10:05] >> Thank you. Now,

[10:09] we they had a guy on the Today Show. Oh,

[10:12] do we have that footage of the guy on

[10:13] the Today Show holding the Dave called

[10:14] Oprah sign or Oprah called Dave sign or

[10:16] something?

[10:16] >> I saw that the other day.

[10:17] >> We'll put that in later.

[10:18] >> That was a couple of couple of mornings

[10:20] ago.

[10:21] >> Yeah, that's right. And and then we got

[10:23] it. Okay, here it is. The other day on

[10:24] the Today Show. Look at this. There's

[10:25] outside. Everything's fine. People are

[10:27] waving and and then here come the signs.

[10:30] Columbus, Ohio loves the Today Show.

[10:32] Oprah call Letterman. Okay. And then it

[10:34] went crazy. And last night

[10:38] we had a couple of runaway