Larry King Live (CNN) - 2006-12-01 - 1 of 2

Channel: malgent

Transcript

Language: English (original, YouTube automatic captions)

[0:00] at gift list. Pick up the Red Moto Razor

[0:02] and you can get powerful features like

[0:04] live TV, wireless music downloads, GPS,

[0:07] and the power to give back. Because when

[0:09] you purchase the Red Moto Razor at a

[0:11] Sprint store, a contribution will be

[0:12] made to help eliminate AIDS in Africa.

[0:14] The power to give the ultimate gift.

[0:17] Sprint Power Up

[0:23] tonight. He may be the angriest man in

[0:26] America.

[0:26] >> Did you not LISTEN TO HIM TALK? But when

[0:29] this guy unloads,

[0:31] >> what the is that about? What the is that

[0:33] about?

[0:34] >> Everybody laughs.

[0:38] >> Lewis Black, an equal opportunity

[0:42] offender who's funny as hell.

[0:44] >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

[0:45] THERE GOING TO BE GIANT TICKS

[0:46] EVERYWHERE. WE DON'T KNOW. RUN, SCURRY,

[0:49] PLEASE.

[0:50] >> And is here for the hour next on Larry

[0:53] King Live.

[1:04] Famous producer George Slaughter once

[1:06] told me about a comic he knew that he

[1:08] thought we ought to use at our Larry

[1:09] King Cardiac Foundation dinner. I had

[1:11] not heard of Lewis Black. George told me

[1:14] you would love him. Not only do I love

[1:15] him, he's one of my favorite people on

[1:17] the planet. Lewis Black stars in Comedy

[1:20] Central's upcoming special Last Laugh

[1:22] 06. He's in the new movie Unaccompanied

[1:25] Miners, commentator on the Daily Show

[1:27] with John Stewart, and he's the New York

[1:29] Times best-selling author of Nothing

[1:31] Sacred. How did all this happen for you?

[1:34] This

[1:35] >> the anger.

[1:36] >> Anger, this stuttering anger.

[1:38] >> Well, it started when I was young and

[1:40] then it uh and it's always kind of been

[1:42] a part of my personality, but uh

[1:43] >> So, it's your personality.

[1:45] >> It's, you know, it was me by about the

[1:47] time I was 15. And uh

[1:49] >> you get mad in class.

[1:50] >> I'd get mad. And uh I mean a lot of it,

[1:52] you know, it was where I was funniest.

[1:53] You know, something would happen that

[1:55] would just like you got to be kidding

[1:56] me. You know, the principal would do

[1:58] something or that thing which I talk

[2:00] about all the time. You know, they they

[2:01] you know, they said, you know, you they

[2:03] they would say get under the desk in

[2:04] case of a nuclear attack. And and you

[2:06] know, part of my brain just saw red and

[2:09] uh uh and then and and and so uh and I

[2:12] never really for years I was doing

[2:15] comedy and and and I was terrible and I

[2:18] was was I I could write funny and I knew

[2:20] I was funny but something was missing.

[2:22] And then I realized a guy told me one

[2:24] night another comedian uh Dan Ballard

[2:27] said uh this he said you know I'm

[2:29] yelling on stage and I'm not angry and

[2:32] you're angry and you're not yelling. So

[2:33] when you go back on stage, start

[2:35] yelling. And that it was like a door

[2:37] opening.

[2:37] >> And it worked.

[2:38] >> It worked. It's worked pretty well. I'm

[2:40] getting away with murder.

[2:41] >> You do all your own material.

[2:42] >> Yeah.

[2:43] >> Write all your own material.

[2:44] >> We about 98% of it. Yeah.

[2:46] >> How do you like being hot?

[2:48] >> It's, you know, it's I mean,

[2:50] >> you're hot.

[2:50] >> It's different.

[2:51] >> It's different when you've been, you

[2:53] know, what was the break?

[2:54] >> The There was a a few things that came

[2:57] together. Uh I did a lot of Conan

[2:59] O'Brien's Conan uh they were really

[3:01] kind. they uh they just said keep you

[3:03] know come on whenever you want. So I was

[3:05] going on Conan's show every 6 weeks. The

[3:07] Daily Show had just started about the

[3:09] same time. Um so I started doing that.

[3:12] Uh and uh between those two it began to

[3:16] kind of and then I was running around

[3:17] the country like you know from every

[3:19] comedy club

[3:19] >> and the NFL you got the NFL.

[3:21] >> Now we're doing uh yeah the inside the

[3:23] NFL. Yeah.

[3:25] >> And that's actually written by my friend

[3:27] the guy who opens for me John Bowman. He

[3:29] actually we work on that together but he

[3:31] really writes.

[3:32] >> Now when you go on these shows you have

[3:33] all prepared material.

[3:34] >> Yeah. For those Yeah.

[3:36] >> Yeah. For the for inside the NFL they

[3:38] >> for Conan you have prepared material.

[3:40] >> Yeah. They have they they're pretty they

[3:41] give me a certain amount of latitude you

[3:43] know. So because I don't know where I'm

[3:44] going to end sometimes cuz I'm not

[3:46] really good with all those shows are

[3:48] five minutes. They need five minutes.

[3:49] And I'm not used to five minutes cuz

[3:51] really my rev doesn't really get in I

[3:54] don't get into second. Let's discuss

[3:55] some things in the news or semi in the

[3:58] news and get your thoughts.

[4:00] >> The buzz about Danny Devito's loopy

[4:03] appearance on The View this week.

[4:04] >> He snapped, didn't he?

[4:05] >> Yeah.

[4:06] >> Did you see

[4:06] >> what was that? He was Was he drunk?

[4:08] >> I think he was drunk, you know, and if

[4:10] not, he probably didn't sleep a lot. And

[4:12] if and it's like one of those things

[4:14] where they kind of you know it's it's

[4:16] that I think it's that thing uh you know

[4:19] I don't know how many interviews he'd

[4:21] been doing but when you reach that point

[4:22] where you've done about 20 and and and

[4:25] he wasn't on one of the smaller

[4:26] interviews but now he's on a main stage

[4:30] because people cuz people now kind of

[4:31] watch that show because it's so insane

[4:35] now with with Rosie. the whole mix is

[4:37] completely, you know, different than it

[4:39] was before. And so they're all watching

[4:41] and I thought and and there's that thing

[4:43] where they just kind of, you know, he,

[4:44] you know, he's he started talking about

[4:46] Bush and he obviously has a certain

[4:48] understanding. He just snapped and and

[4:51] and and I understand it in part because,

[4:54] you know,

[4:54] >> you have a snap.

[4:56] >> Um, so far so good. Um, you know, you

[4:59] get, you know, I tell you that well, you

[5:02] know this, you're under the scrutiny.

[5:03] It's now they it's like they jump on

[5:05] anything, you know. Dan, what Danny did

[5:08] was really So, it's it's funny. It's not

[5:10] like the end of the world. It was kind

[5:11] of silly. Um, but G gee, he was drunk.

[5:15] Nobody ever gets drunk. It wasn't like

[5:16] he was driving a truck on the show and,

[5:20] you know, drove into the audience. So,

[5:22] so you kind of go, you know, but there's

[5:24] so much scrutiny. I I really try to keep

[5:27] it, you know, I try to keep really

[5:29] conscious of what's coming out of my

[5:31] mouth. I've said some things when I go

[5:33] back and look at certain interviews, I

[5:34] go, "Oh, I can't believe I said that."

[5:36] But uh but I'm kind of still under the

[5:39] radar of um of the of of the of the

[5:42] mainstream in a way. So it's

[5:44] >> You're now mainstream, aren't you?

[5:46] >> Yeah. Which is a sad commentary on our

[5:48] lives, isn't it?

[5:48] >> What do you make of Michael Rich's

[5:50] racist thing?

[5:51] >> That was uh um I couldn't watch my, you

[5:55] know, when they when they they've got

[5:57] that video they and I can't watch it.

[5:59] It's it brings back so many memories of

[6:01] being in a club for me uh of of just

[6:05] that you know of an audience that uh you

[6:07] know the audience has smelled as soon as

[6:08] the audience smells blood goodbye. Okay.

[6:11] Cuz then it's like shark time. They just

[6:14] come at you. You panic. Um I I've been

[6:17] in those situations time and time again.

[6:19] And really well early on

[6:22] >> Oh boy. If you don't if you don't

[6:24] maintain the confidence I call it

[6:26] there's a kind of quality to to comedy

[6:28] the like the Dale Carnegie school of

[6:30] comedy I call it there's a whole group

[6:32] of comics that basically are kind of

[6:34] funny but they get a get away with it

[6:36] because they're really confident and you

[6:38] should be laughing cuz I think it's

[6:40] funny and you and people you know go

[6:43] yeah he thinks it's funny it's got to be

[6:46] funny but but then uh but then these and

[6:50] you have to maintain that facade of

[6:52] confidence no matter or what? Because if

[6:54] that facade drops, it's just like they

[6:56] the audience goes, "Okay, that's it. We

[6:58] you're you you're not leading us

[7:00] properly and they go nuts." Uh, and that

[7:02] room is a tough room. I I the the laugh

[7:05] factory is a is a very tough room. The

[7:08] guys that I talked to, all of us who who

[7:11] talked about it uh together, my friends

[7:13] who do stand up, all said, you know,

[7:14] that's not a room I want.

[7:15] >> And he's not a standup.

[7:16] >> I don't know. Why is he doing it?

[7:18] >> Why would you put yourself in that room?

[7:20] If I was him, I would have I would have

[7:22] bought a room and and done shows there

[7:26] and put even cardboard people out.

[7:29] >> How about this new thing on the n-word?

[7:31] Everybody's now against the n-word.

[7:34] >> Good idea, though, right?

[7:35] >> And Ron, I guess.

[7:39] >> Uh, yeah. Well, I mean, it's once again,

[7:42] it all depends on, you know, okay, let's

[7:44] get rid of the word. Um, it depends. You

[7:46] know, there's going to be a comic

[7:48] somewhere within two years who comes

[7:50] around the corner again and picks up

[7:53] something that will will put it in a

[7:54] context that is seriously funny again.

[7:57] But for now, you know, okay, it's on the

[7:58] shelf. I don't use the word.

[8:00] >> You never have, have you?

[8:02] >> No. Never used that word.

[8:04] >> There's a whole bunch of words, you

[8:05] know, because we were talking about this

[8:06] earlier. I work I can work clean and I

[8:08] can work both ways. And I work both ways

[8:11] because, you know, when I'm in a room

[8:12] filled with adults, uh, you know, like a

[8:15] theater or a club, I feel that's that's

[8:18] it's fine. You know, people know what

[8:20] they're getting into. It's, you know,

[8:21] you know that an adult is speaking to

[8:22] indulge. You can use those words

[8:24] anywhere else because this country would

[8:26] panic. You and I used bad words on this

[8:28] show. Do you realize what would happen?

[8:29] People would just be jumping out of

[8:30] windows. You can't hear what he said. He

[8:32] said a bad word. And they'd be flipping

[8:34] out. So I I there's a whole bunch of

[8:37] words that you just you that you don't

[8:39] use to begin with a lot of them.

[8:41] >> George Collins, seven words you can't

[8:43] >> say on television. You put you put them

[8:44] in the lock box.

[8:46] >> Coming up on Larry King Live, why Lewis

[8:48] Black wants evangel Christians not to

[8:51] buy his book. Stick around.

[8:54] Look at airport security. Been in place

[8:57] since 9/11

[8:59] and they're no better now than the day

[9:01] they started. You know how hard you have

[9:03] to work to be that stupid?

[9:09] How is that possible? They just sent 21

[9:12] fake bombs through 21 airports

[9:15] successfully.

[9:18] ALL OF THEM. EVERYONE. THEY DIDN'T even

[9:21] get one or TWO

[9:30] >> at Fred Meyer and Litman Jewelers. This

[9:32] 1 karat total weight diamond ring is

[9:34] $5.95, but during our 3-day sale, save

[9:37] $396 and pay only $1.99. for all those

[9:41] special times.

[9:43] >> Fred Meyer and Litman Jewelers.

[10:07] >> Welcome to a network. where being here

[10:10] is being there.

[10:13] >> Welcome to the human network.

[10:15] >> The doctor came in. I was still waking

[10:18] up from anesthesia. He leaned over my

[10:20] bed and he said, "Laura, you have

[10:22] cancer." And he walked out of the room.

[10:24] The first thought is, "What's going to

[10:26] happen to my children?" I knew I was

[10:28] ready to fight this and I just wanted

[10:30] this cancer out of me. I wanted to take

[10:32] care of it and move on. Then my mom

[10:34] called me. had seen an ad on TV for um

[10:37] Cancer Treatment Centers of America. It

[10:39] was just a tremendous experience from

[10:40] the minute that I walked in the door.

[10:42] Their bedside manner, it's just you just

[10:44] can't even describe it. It it takes a

[10:46] very special person to do what they're

[10:47] doing. Our cancer information

[10:49] specialists are here for you day and

[10:51] night. Call now and they'll send you

[10:52] this free DVD showing you how these

[10:54] special hospitals combine

[10:56] state-of-the-art medicine and unique

[10:58] therapies with the most compassionate

[11:00] care you'll experience anywhere.

[11:01] >> I wanted to live to see my kids grow up.

[11:04] That's what gave me the drive to fight

[11:05] cancer. They supported that in me. They

[11:08] gave me choices. They made me realize

[11:10] that every life is worth saving. You

[11:12] can't fight cancer if you don't have

[11:14] hope.

[11:31] Monday night at 8. Radioactive hotspots

[11:34] all over London. More mystery in the

[11:36] death of the Russian spy. Where did he

[11:38] go before he died? Was anyone else

[11:41] exposed? The eye opening story Monday

[11:43] night 8 Eastern. Monday on 360. It is a

[11:47] nuclear who done it with a cold war

[11:49] chill. A who killed the former Russian

[11:51] agent with radioactive poison. The

[11:53] daring crime, a horrifying death, a

[11:55] growing investigation. Poison plot, the

[11:57] killing of a spy. Monday, 10 p.m.

[11:59] Eastern.

[12:03] all the the the 24-hour cable services.

[12:06] Um, uh, you clutter their screen with an

[12:10] array of horse.

[12:13] I mean, there is just stuff, but there's

[12:15] a rabbit wiping himself in the corner.

[12:16] And

[12:19] oh, and here's the stock report, which

[12:20] is basically telling you somebody's

[12:22] making a lot of money, and it's not you.

[12:27] >> Let's get into some things like that

[12:28] that really gets you angry. You don't

[12:30] like the crawl?

[12:30] >> Well, the crawl.

[12:31] >> The crawl is on right now. You don't

[12:32] like it?

[12:32] >> No, they'll get this. What? Lewis Black

[12:34] Daily Show commentator. What? They need

[12:36] that. Do you not You need to know who it

[12:38] is that's speaking to you. Are you going

[12:40] to panic? Who is this guy? What do you

[12:43] you know, they used to I was the first

[12:44] time I did it. I'm yelling and screaming

[12:46] on CNN. It's 1:00 in the afternoon. I'm

[12:48] you know who's watching? You're like

[12:50] seven people, a bunch of shutins. They

[12:52] got to put it's and I'm yelling and

[12:54] screaming because I'm yelling about the

[12:55] crawl and they really and I'm going get

[12:57] rid of get rid of it. And they go, they

[13:00] go, "Uh, Louisis Black is an angry

[13:02] comic. It comes on the screen." And I

[13:04] go, "You know, how dumb do you think the

[13:06] audience is? I'm sitting here being

[13:08] angry. You don't pay any attention. I I

[13:10] just And what I started to do was

[13:12] because they wouldn't take it off." And

[13:15] how mad can it get? Look at See, how mad

[13:17] how mad can I get? DON'T EVEN TRY. DON'T

[13:20] EVEN TRY IT. HOW MAD can I get the

[13:22] >> How mad can you?

[13:23] >> Oh, I can get really It's It can get

[13:24] scary. It can get scary. Well, you know,

[13:27] it's they they I I I got so ticked off

[13:30] at what they were doing. I said I

[13:32] started reading the crawl. They would

[13:33] ask a question and I would read what was

[13:34] on the bottom because apparently it's so

[13:37] important. I don't At least they don't

[13:39] drag it across yours. I It's like Why

[13:41] compete with yourself?

[13:43] >> I think it's on. We don't just don't see

[13:44] it, right? Is it

[13:45] >> Is it on?

[13:46] >> Is it on now?

[13:49] >> It's on. Yeah. We We just don't see it.

[13:51] >> And what's Yeah, cuz it Look,

[13:53] >> there it is. Look.

[13:54] >> Yeah. Look at this. the last reservoirs

[13:56] of the disease. Excellent. You just

[13:58] missed it. Now you're in TOTAL PANIC.

[14:00] WHAT DISEASE? WHERE WHERE'S THE DISEASE?

[14:03] They got to put that. I mean, what you

[14:05] It's not Does CNN not trust us to kind

[14:08] of maintain interest that they go, "Oh,

[14:10] Larry's interesting, but look look below

[14:13] Britney Spears. You can see her

[14:14] underwear on on channel 37." Why do they

[14:17] have to do that?

[14:18] >> What? Why? And it was done initially

[14:20] after 9/11

[14:22] >> to get information. Well, we don't need

[14:24] that much information. People turn on

[14:26] the TV so they don't have to read.

[14:28] That's the whole concept. That's why it

[14:31] works.

[14:32] >> That's television replaced that.

[14:34] >> Yeah.

[14:34] >> Yeah.

[14:35] >> That was the idea. Now they're making it

[14:37] a reading screen and I can't stop.

[14:38] >> What do you have against evangelical

[14:40] Christians reading your book?

[14:42] >> Well, you know, I just think they'll

[14:43] Well, first off, they'll start, you

[14:45] know, invoking the devil against me.

[14:47] They're I just don't, you know, don't I

[14:49] just don't want people wasting their

[14:51] time. And

[14:52] >> you're helping them by telling them

[14:53] >> exactly. This is a go do something else.

[14:56] Go check something else.

[14:57] >> Do evangelical Christians annoy you?

[14:59] >> Well, they not unless they come up to me

[15:01] and start going, you know, I'm Jewish.

[15:02] And they start trying to, you know,

[15:04] trying to convert me. What I find

[15:06] annoying is this whole thing about like

[15:08] uh certain standard gay marriage stance

[15:10] makes me psychotic cuz it's not really

[15:13] who it's not in the Bible. Stop it. You

[15:16] know, I'm Jewish. We It's our book. It's

[15:19] the Old Testament is ours. It's ours.

[15:21] It's not theirs. It's our book. The

[15:24] Christians. The book wasn't good enough

[15:25] for the Christians, was it, Larry? No.

[15:27] They said, "No, this book isn't good

[15:29] enough for us. Uh, we we've got a better

[15:31] book with a great new character. You're

[15:33] going to love this guy." And so, it's

[15:36] our book. So, let us if you want to know

[15:38] if the evangelical Christians really

[15:40] want to understand what's in the book,

[15:42] you know, ask us. We're we're

[15:43] everywhere. We wander the streets. A a

[15:46] Jew will take any any amount of time out

[15:48] of their day to spend time with an

[15:50] evangelical Christian who has a question

[15:53] about the Bible and will answer that

[15:54] question if the price is right.

[15:57] No, it's unbelievable that that and that

[16:00] that frozen embryo thing. Now, how can

[16:03] you say that's a religious? You can't.

[16:05] It's not a religious issue. In what book

[16:07] of the Bible was anything frozen?

[16:09] >> Talking about stem cell or

[16:10] >> stem cell the frozen embryo. But they're

[16:12] talking about the well these frozen

[16:13] embryos they're alive. You know these

[16:15] they're alive. The president says

[16:16] they're alive. They're frozen. They're

[16:19] frozen. What word? What part of the word

[16:22] frozen don't you understand? It's frozen

[16:25] means too cold to move, doesn't it? Is

[16:27] it mentioned in the Bible anywhere in

[16:28] the me? Is there any mention of the

[16:30] Bible of refrigeration?

[16:32] No. So you can't possibly possibly at

[16:35] any time say, "Oh, you know what God

[16:38] says?" No. God doesn't say he God in in

[16:41] the Bible in the first in the Old

[16:43] Testament did not know he didn't even

[16:45] see freezers coming.

[16:49] And you know what I did? I actually um

[16:52] since the president thinks they're

[16:53] alive, I've um adopted free frozen

[16:56] embryos and I put them in my freezer and

[16:58] every I open it up and go, "You kids,

[17:00] stop it because I want to be a good

[17:02] father and and I but I'm actually going

[17:05] to take them as a tax write off and and

[17:07] if it works, if I can get it by the feds

[17:09] the first time, I'm going to adopt

[17:11] hundreds of I'm going to I might get a

[17:13] whole like you remember the old amount

[17:14] of freezer where they used to put you

[17:16] could buy a cow and dump it in. I'm

[17:17] going to have a billion of them in there

[17:19] >> when we come back. Who makes for better

[17:21] comedy material? Dems on the left or

[17:23] Republicans on the right? We'll ask the

[17:25] expert. Don't go away.

[17:27] >> If if you are inspired by either George

[17:31] Bush or Bill Clinton, then you were

[17:34] probably inspired by your high school

[17:37] principal.

[17:40] I'll tell you why Clinton and Bush

[17:41] aren't great leaders. Okay? It's this

[17:44] simple. Neither of them took

[17:46] responsibility for anything. None of

[17:49] them. THEY'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

[17:52] THEY POST AND THEN THEY GO, "WELL, I

[17:54] DON'T."

[17:56] THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME GROUP OF

[17:59] THAT WHEN I WAS A KID TOLD ME

[18:01] IN CASE OF A NUCLEAR ATTACK TO HIDE

[18:04] UNDER my desk.

[18:11] >> Tumor is very important to us. We both

[18:13] love to laugh. I find that I make her

[18:15] laugh when I'm not trying to.

[18:17] >> Find everything you're looking for on

[18:19] e-harmony.com. It all starts with your

[18:22] personality profile. $50 value free.

[18:26] >> Let me tell you about a very important

[18:28] phone call I made. When I got my

[18:30] Medicare card, I realized I needed an AP

[18:33] Medicare supplement insurance card, too.

[18:36] One simple call gave me the chance to

[18:38] talk with a personal health insurance

[18:39] adviser.

[18:40] >> We answered all my questions about

[18:42] Medicare supplement plans.

[18:44] >> If you're already on or eligible for

[18:45] Medicare, call now to find out how an

[18:47] AARP Medicare Supplement Insurance Plan

[18:50] insured by United Healthcare Insurance

[18:52] Company helps you pay some of the 20% of

[18:54] your medical expenses not covered by

[18:56] Medicare Part B. That can save you

[18:59] thousands of dollars. These are the only

[19:01] Medicare supplement insurance plans

[19:02] exclusively endorsed by AARP. a name you

[19:06] trust. When you call now, we'll send you

[19:07] this free information kit, plus this

[19:09] free guide to understanding Medicare.

[19:11] >> I can keep my own doctor and choose my

[19:13] own hospital,

[19:14] >> and I don't need a referral to see a

[19:16] specialist.

[19:17] >> Call 180067341-68.

[19:20] Now, a personal health insurance adviser

[19:22] is waiting.

[19:25] >> Lou Dobs, now on weekends. It's time for

[19:28] answers, seven nights a week. Blue Doss

[19:31] now on weekends. CNN Saturday and Sunday

[19:34] night 6 Eastern.

[19:35] >> Your fireplace adds so much to your home

[19:38] and Gordon's can add even more. Gordon's

[19:41] fireplace shop and home decor selection

[19:43] second to none. Glass screens, fire

[19:46] accessories, high efficiency natural gas

[19:48] fireplaces, plus home furnishings that

[19:51] will add to the warmth of your home.

[19:53] Portland's finest selection of fireplace

[19:55] screens, gas logs, and gas fireplaces on

[19:58] sale today. Everything for your

[20:00] fireplace. Gordon's Fireplace Shop and

[20:03] Home Decor. Open seven days a week.

[20:08] >> Star Wars for the first time ever. All

[20:11] six movies. All in high depth. Ready

[20:14] when you are. Only on Cinemax and

[20:16] Cinemax on demand. Order now to see the

[20:18] entire Star Wars Saga. See each movie

[20:21] when you want, as often as you like. All

[20:23] in spectacular HD, only with Comcast

[20:26] Digital Cable. If you have Cinemax and

[20:28] HD from Comcast Digital Cable, go to

[20:31] channel 1. If you don't, call 1888

[20:33] Comcast to subscribe now.

[20:36] >> Robert F. Kennedy's assassination with

[20:38] eyewitnesses and Bobby Film Stars, Larry

[20:41] King tomorrow.

[20:44] >> About 6 months ago, I was home alone

[20:48] watching the president speak on

[20:50] television. So, it was just really the

[20:52] two of us.

[20:58] And as I listened to him, I realized

[21:03] >> that one of us

[21:05] was nuts.

[21:09] >> Ah, politics. One of your favorite

[21:11] themes, is it not? Yes.

[21:13] >> Uh,

[21:15] >> by accident. Really? Because what do you

[21:16] mean?

[21:16] >> Well, because it's, you know, now

[21:18] they're just providing, you know, I

[21:20] don't even what do I I don't even have

[21:21] to write stuff anymore. It's

[21:22] >> You mean they're their own material?

[21:24] Well, you know that thing I I wondered

[21:25] what joke do you write for uh when you

[21:28] pick up the paper and it says Senator

[21:29] Mark Foley or Congressman Foley who

[21:32] works on the committee to deal with uh

[21:35] laws involving sexual predators is a

[21:38] sexual predator. Now what what's the

[21:41] what what possibly how am I going to add

[21:43] to that? The the punchline is written

[21:46] it's perfect and it's happening and it's

[21:48] real. It's it doesn't get any better

[21:51] than that. What joke? All you can make

[21:52] is a joke about all the instant

[21:54] messages. Yeah, but everything else is

[21:55] gilding the lily. That's the joke. And I

[21:58] didn't have to do any work.

[22:00] >> And does it make you angry though?

[22:02] >> That makes me insane. It makes me really

[22:04] insane. You know, or like you know that

[22:06] the other great line, Vice President

[22:08] Cheney who shot his friend in the face

[22:09] while honey. That was my favorite line

[22:11] of the whole year cuz that

[22:12] >> of the year I think of this year. Yes. I

[22:14] laugh so hard I I actually fell off uh

[22:17] my chair and milk came out of my nose

[22:18] and I I don't drink milk anymore. So,

[22:23] >> and so there's nothing humorous to say

[22:24] about that other than that.

[22:26] >> What do you say? You know, except that I

[22:28] use it to explain how he got into Iraq,

[22:30] you know.

[22:31] >> What do you mean?

[22:31] >> Well, because you know, you know, look,

[22:33] when you when you're hunting, you're

[22:34] hunting a line here. You know, the He's

[22:36] hunting quail, which is nuts to begin

[22:38] with. That's like saying, "I'm going to

[22:39] go uh I'm going to go fishing and go

[22:41] into a goldfish bowl and THEN GO, LOOK,

[22:43] I GOT IT." YOU KNOW, she's you know,

[22:46] he's hunting quail on a farm with a

[22:49] fence around it. Oh, look. We got the

[22:50] deer in the corner. Boy, that's hunting.

[22:52] You want to hunt? You do what they do in

[22:53] Wisconsin. You wander through people's

[22:55] backyards. You shoot things at Will. I

[22:57] got a quilt. Look, I got two quilts

[22:59] today. If he's here and and let's say

[23:02] the uh his his friend is there and they

[23:05] targets here. You tell me. How did he

[23:07] shoot him? Now they they want to go in

[23:09] to Iraq, but but who's got the who ends

[23:11] up having the weapons of mass

[23:12] destruction? Iran. It's Iran and Iraq.

[23:15] So the So what? The CIA didn't know the

[23:17] difference between an N and a Q. So I

[23:19] think they were lined up thinking they

[23:21] were going into

[23:22] >> Iran.

[23:23] >> Iran and then it turned out to be Iraq.

[23:25] >> So that was a mistake.

[23:28] >> Oh yeah, I think so. I think Yeah. Oh,

[23:29] this is the whole thing is this is the

[23:31] most massive mistake I've seen in my

[23:33] lifetime. This whole idea of that, well,

[23:35] we got rid of Saddam at this point. You

[23:37] could put Saddam back in charge and

[23:40] you're going to we would be just as far

[23:43] ahead as we're going to be trying to

[23:46] with with them kind that group that's

[23:47] coming up. They got nine different

[23:48] commissions and and he's still going,

[23:50] "Well, we're going to stay the Well,

[23:51] we're going to I don't know if we're

[23:52] going to order a pizza. We're going to

[23:53] get some jello, but we're going to try,

[23:56] you know, and the guy doesn't even the

[23:58] kind of the country didn't EVEN COME TO

[23:59] DINNER. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH US?" BUT

[24:03] YOU take this, you knew it's like with

[24:05] Tito. How do YOU NOT KNOW? I'M a

[24:08] Okay. And yet I knew if you're going to

[24:10] take when you had Tito, who kept them

[24:12] all together? If you look at that as a

[24:14] >> together, right?

[24:14] >> Yeah. I mean, these are people who just

[24:16] HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS. IT'S LIKE a

[24:18] group of people just like, you know,

[24:19] they they just they disturb each other.

[24:23] Same thing that you got in Iraq. You

[24:25] see, you got this lunatic who's in

[24:27] charge who's like just, you know, you

[24:29] know, wiping out people willy-nilly and

[24:31] apparently scares them enough so that

[24:34] they actually act civil to each other.

[24:36] And then we go, "Okay, get rid of him."

[24:37] And then we don't know how to teach him

[24:39] manners.

[24:41] >> Let's discuss some political figures.

[24:43] Hillary Clinton.

[24:44] >> What do you think?

[24:45] >> What do you think? What do you think?

[24:47] >> It's exhausting. I can't live through

[24:48] that again. Can't she wait a while?

[24:50] Can't she just wait a while? Can't she

[24:52] just do other stuff and continue to

[24:54] learn things? Do we have to go to this

[24:56] now? Do we Do I got to go live through

[24:59] this again? We've already lived through

[25:00] the chapters. Look, everybody wants

[25:02] Bill. Okay. Well, we'll take Hillary.

[25:04] She's not GOING TO WIN. THAT GUY'S NOT

[25:06] GOING TO WIN. I'M NOT CRAZY. I travel

[25:10] all over the country. They just aren't

[25:12] going to. I don't think they're going to

[25:13] do it. I mean, God love the Democrats,

[25:15] but they got Hillary and Obama. So,

[25:17] there here's a tremendous kind of a

[25:19] thing. It would be great in the best of

[25:21] all possible worlds if you could believe

[25:23] that a woman or a black man is going to

[25:25] win at this point. I wish it were true.

[25:28] I hope it's true. You know, I mean that

[25:30] we were willing enough. But I don't

[25:32] know. I don't see it. Do you like

[25:34] Barack? Yeah. I mean, he's great, but

[25:36] you know who did he beat? He beat Allen

[25:38] Keys. You could have had a cheetah could

[25:40] have run against Allen Keys. You could

[25:43] have said, "But we we're going to

[25:45] dominate this cheetah. You better and

[25:48] you'd listen to Allen Keys and you'd

[25:49] watch the cheetah in a pen and you'd go

[25:51] I'd rather watch the cheetah just walk

[25:53] around than listen Allan Keys. Who did

[25:56] he beat? He beat no I mean it's like

[25:58] beating no. It was really that's my my

[25:59] disturbance with I think if you're going

[26:01] to run to be the president, you have to

[26:03] really kind of have a big victory, you

[26:06] know. Wait, I didn't get not a big I

[26:08] just I don't get I don't

[26:10] >> Okay, you don't get it. I know.

[26:11] >> I don't get it. Do you?

[26:12] >> Governor of Vilsac, isn't it the race?

[26:14] >> Yeah. He's going to have to do something

[26:15] with that name cuz that just doesn't

[26:16] sound right, does it?

[26:17] >> Vilsac

[26:18] >> sounds like something is wrong with my

[26:19] Vilsac. I don't know where that's

[26:20] located, but I don't want to think about

[26:22] it.

[26:22] >> Yeah, like a disease or, you know, a

[26:24] part of your body that you don't really

[26:25] deal with and you don't talk about

[26:27] polite society.

[26:27] >> How about on the Republican side?

[26:29] McCain.

[26:29] >> Unbelievable, huh? He snapped. He was

[26:31] rolling along for a while. Yeah. Now he

[26:33] got to go talk to He's got to go shake

[26:35] hands with J. I got to talk to I got to

[26:37] go talk TO JERRY FWELL. WHY? WHAT? WHAT?

[26:40] You're Mr. Maverick. You, you know, you

[26:42] don't need to go cowttowing. You don't

[26:44] you you know, eventually maybe, you

[26:47] know, if you're going to do the whole

[26:48] country when you're running in the end,

[26:51] he's going to Well, I don't I Here's

[26:53] what I don't understand with John

[26:54] McCain, who I I I really like him. I've

[26:56] talked to him. I thought he's been a

[26:58] straight shooter. But but how uh after I

[27:01] don't understand how uh someone and I'

[27:03] I'd love to ask him how do you deal with

[27:06] after what happens in South Carolina

[27:07] with Bush uh with the with President

[27:10] Bush and and Ro and they go after his

[27:12] wife and they say things that are just

[27:13] beyond belief and then they go after and

[27:15] and they go after Max Cleland who's he's

[27:17] in a wheelchair. He's in a wheelchair.

[27:20] HE FIGHTS IN VIETNAM. AND you and you

[27:22] somehow say that he's not a you know a

[27:25] hero. you you actually undermine his his

[27:28] credibility as a as A VETERAN. HE'S IN A

[27:31] WHEELCHAIR. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO? IS

[27:33] HE LIKE I GET IT? It's unbelievable. So

[27:36] he goes down there and uh I think you

[27:39] know he gets whacked by Bush and then

[27:42] comes around and go you know I'm really

[27:43] in but why wouldn't he wouldn't you? He

[27:47] just didn't seem to maintain the course.

[27:49] >> Up next the comic value of stars like

[27:51] Madonna, Britney Paris and let's not

[27:53] forget Tom and Katie. Oh boy, that's

[27:56] going to exhaust me.

[27:57] >> Just ahead.

[28:02] >> Today, I bring news of an exciting new

[28:05] phenomenon. It's called human

[28:07] reproduction, AND IT'S SO AMAZING THAT

[28:10] THIS MONTH'S Vanity Fair dedicates 22

[28:14] PAGES to a photo spread of its latest

[28:18] result. Her name is Suri. Her parents

[28:20] are Tom Cruz and Katie Holmes. And

[28:23] apparently they live in the Sears

[28:25] portrait studio.

[28:32] >> Are you tired of struggling with

[28:34] embarrassing facial hair? Well, put that

[28:36] tweezer and mirror away because now it's

[28:38] easy with Tweezy. Tweezy is an amazing

[28:42] breakthrough that not only automatically

[28:43] finds, grasps, and removes unwanted

[28:46] hair, but helps keep hair from growing

[28:48] back for weeks. Guaranteed. The secret

[28:51] is Tweezy's patented technology that

[28:53] attracts hair like a magnet from every

[28:56] angle, so it's virtually impossible to

[28:57] miss a hair. It's 30 times faster than

[29:00] ordinary tweezers.

[29:01] >> And unlike razors or trimmers that cause

[29:04] ugly stubble, Tweezy removes hair from

[29:06] the root, so you can go for weeks

[29:08] without worrying about unwanted hair.

[29:10] >> Watch. We used a trimmer on one side of

[29:12] this chin and Tweezy on the other. And

[29:14] look, 6 weeks later, the tweezy side is

[29:16] still smooth.

[29:18] >> There's never been anything like it. If

[29:20] you can feel it, Tweezy can remove it. I

[29:23] used to use trimmers every day, but I

[29:25] used Tweezy on my lips 6 weeks ago, and

[29:28] it's still smooth. Sometimes it's hard

[29:30] to see if I got all the hairs on my

[29:31] face. But with Tweezy, I have confidence

[29:34] that all my embarrassing hairs are gone,

[29:36] and it lasts for weeks.

[29:37] >> Tweezy is portable, safe, and gentle.

[29:40] Use Tweezy to remove unwanted hair

[29:41] around your chin, lip, underarms, legs,

[29:45] feet, and more. At last, you can have a

[29:49] beautiful bikini line. No more razor

[29:51] burn, no more waxing. Electrolysis is

[29:53] expensive and plucking takes forever.

[29:56] But Tweezy is easy. You'll never have to

[29:58] worry about unwanted hair again. But

[30:00] wait, call within the next 10 minutes

[30:02] and you'll get Mjoyy's hair growth

[30:04] inhibitor. Helps leave skin soft and

[30:06] hairree for weeks. Imagine that's a $60

[30:09] value. All for only $19.95.

[30:12] I guarantee Tweezy is the best way to

[30:14] remove unwanted hair for weeks or your

[30:17] money back. Just remember, if it's easy,

[30:20] it's Tweezy. Call now.

[30:22] >> Call 18006104353

[30:24] to get your Tweezy hair remover for

[30:25] 1995. Call now and get the bonus hair

[30:27] growth inhibitor absolutely free. That's

[30:29] 18006104353.

[30:32] >> The CN Hummer has seen a war, an

[30:35] overhaul, and now it tours army bases

[30:37] before it's auctioned off January 20th

[30:39] to benefit Fiser House. Check out

[30:41] CNN.com. Warrior 1. This hummer saw war.

[30:44] Now it will help those who fought it.

[30:47] CNN's Christian Armen. She covers the

[30:50] world's top leaders and even tracks the

[30:53] world's most wanted man. Now she's after

[30:55] another killer. AIDS. Where have all the

[30:58] parents gone? CNN Saturday and Sunday

[31:01] night 8 Eastern.

[31:06] >> IS ORAL SEX ADULTERY?

[31:09] >> YES. THERE IS NO DISCUSSION

[31:12] IF curling is an olymp.