The Late Show with David Letterman (CBS) - 2001-01-04 (repeat from 2000-11-29)

Channel: malgent

Transcript

Language: English (original, Whisper AI)

[0:00] ...with the hot piano rhythms of Joe McBride.

[0:03] Finish the evening with the cool sax grooves of headliner Richard Elliott.

[0:07] Tickets are available at the Crystal Ballroom box office or by phone.

[0:11] Proceeds benefit the Albertina Kerr Center services for children, families, and people with disabilities.

[0:17] CoinTV6 is proud to sponsor Swingin' the Jazz.

[0:20] So cool, it's hot.

[0:25] What if they could email your office?

[0:28] Here are those numbers you wanted.

[0:30] Call your office.

[0:32] Financing's all set. We're ready to move.

[0:33] But reach you here.

[0:35] With Quest Wireless, they can.

[0:37] Now get Browse Now wireless internet only from Quest.

[0:39] And get office email anywhere on the only phone that can use the office number you already have.

[0:44] Get the wireless communications to change everything.

[0:46] Only from Quest Wireless.

[0:48] Sign up now and get 1,500 minutes, including domestic long distance, for only $39.99.

[0:52] Shirley Hancock, only on CoinSix News.

[0:55] People make the difference.

[0:57] Log on to CBS.com and sign up for the Global Adventure Series now.

[1:02] From New York, a paradox, yet curiously not a paradox.

[1:07] It's the Late Show with David Letterman.

[1:12] Tonight, Jon Stewart.

[1:17] And musician Everlast.

[1:23] Launched Paul Schaefer at the CBS Orchestra.

[1:28] And now, proud owner of both Standard and Metric Socket Sense, Dave Perry.

[1:40] Who will let her be?

[1:56] How are you?

[2:00] Thank you very much.

[2:05] How are you?

[2:10] Thank you.

[2:13] Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

[2:15] Welcome to week three of the presidential election.

[2:21] I had a fun day today.

[2:22] You know what I did?

[2:23] I went to see that brand new movie.

[2:24] A little matinee.

[2:25] I slipped away.

[2:26] I went to see it.

[2:26] Rugrats in Broward County.

[2:27] How many of you have seen that?

[2:36] Coming back from the movie, I went through Central Park and I saw one of those scenes you only see in New York City.

[2:42] I'm coming through the park and I saw a squirrel hand-counting his nuts.

[2:57] It's exciting, isn't it?

[2:58] This election stuff.

[3:01] Earlier tonight on the Larry King Show.

[3:02] How many of you have watched Larry King on the Larry King Show?

[3:10] I'd like to get you folks in a polygraph machine.

[3:14] But earlier tonight on the Larry King Show, Dick Cheney was the guest.

[3:18] And, of course, Larry King has had multiple heart attacks and Dick Cheney has had four heart attacks.

[3:22] So, you had two guys on the Larry King Show talking for an hour about clogged arteries and they still got a younger audience than we get here at CBS.

[3:32] Still got a younger audience.

[3:35] Amazing to me.

[3:43] I heard this just before I came out here.

[3:46] George W. Bush has a new team of lawyers.

[3:47] They're pretty good.

[3:48] They're the team, I believe, that handled his last drunken driving arrest.

[3:51] So, they're first-rate there.

[3:58] And now, the good news is the White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings.

[4:14] You know, some of these jokes actually write themselves.

[4:23] But I feel bad for George W. because he's talking like he wants to be the president.

[4:29] But when you see him, you can tell he really doesn't want to be the president.

[4:40] And as a result, George W. is getting no respect whatsoever.

[4:44] Earlier today and all day today, he was waiting outside the White House gates for the cable guy.

[4:48] Had to wait for the cable guy to come and hook him up.

[4:58] And now, President Clinton, you remember Bubba, President Clinton.

[5:05] He says what he would like to do when his term of office is finished in a couple of years.

[5:09] What he would like to do.

[5:14] Whatever.

[5:16] He would like to be the mayor of New York City.

[5:23] That's great.

[5:24] That means we get back the strip joints and the hookers.

[5:39] Honest to God, Paul, it was a squirrel.

[5:43] He was hand-counting his nuts.

[5:45] I've never seen anything like that.

[5:49] Ladies and gentlemen, because it's the end of the Clinton administration every night here on The Late Show,

[5:54] we're doing a Clinton classic joke.

[5:57] This is a joke that we've told in the past about President Clinton.

[6:00] It's our Clinton classic joke of the night.

[6:02] And tonight's joke was originally told February 10, 1999.

[6:07] Here's tonight's Clinton classic joke.

[6:11] The impeachment trial continues in the Senate.

[6:13] Each senator gets 15 minutes on the floor.

[6:17] It's the same deal President Clinton has with the interns.

[6:27] Clinton classic joke right there.

[6:33] Thank you, man.

[7:04] All right.

[7:06] Get out of there.

[7:08] All right.

[7:16] Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to my good friend, President-elect Paul W.

[7:42] Paul Schaefer and Felicia Collins, CBS Orchestra.

[7:49] Here's who's on the program tonight, ladies and gentlemen, so you can make up your mind whether you're going to stay with us,

[7:54] whether you're going to see out the hour, or whether you're going to be a loser and run.

[7:58] Tonight, a very funny man, host of his own show on the Comedy Central, Comedy Central Network, John Stewart.

[8:04] John Stewart.

[8:13] Everlast.

[8:16] Fantastic.

[8:17] That's the big show.

[8:20] I hope you're enjoying the flags.

[8:24] We started this about a week ago because I could tell that Americans were scared.

[8:28] People would come up to me on the street and they would say,

[8:30] Oh, my God, Dave, what's going to happen now?

[8:35] Listen to me.

[8:36] I said, don't panic.

[8:37] I will do my best to appear presidential.

[8:40] That's why the flags are here.

[8:43] What the hell is going to say?

[8:49] Long as you see these flags and as long as I'm here, we don't need a president.

[8:54] Oh, help me.

[8:56] Daddy.

[8:57] Daddy, what?

[8:58] Everything is fine.

[9:00] This is my favorite time of year in New York City.

[9:02] They lighted the Rockefeller Christmas tree.

[9:05] You know what it is?

[9:05] They cut down this 100 beautiful 100-year-old tree and then they bring it in.

[9:10] It breaks your heart because the tree, you know, why cut it?

[9:12] It's 100 years old.

[9:13] It could live to like 200, but somebody gets like 40 bucks, you know.

[9:18] Plus, we'll haul the sumbitch away for you.

[9:20] Let's go.

[9:22] Well, all right.

[9:23] If you think so, sure.

[9:24] Okay.

[9:26] And they do it so Al Roker gets kind of a cheesy local TV show out of it.

[9:31] But it's worth it.

[9:33] It's worth a 100-year-old tree being sacrificed for that.

[9:35] For that.

[9:36] And then they get a, you know, a squad of union goons and they decorate it for a couple of weeks.

[9:40] And then they light it and it's time, time for the festivities to begin.

[9:44] And earlier tonight, and I can't begin to count on one hand how many times something's gone haywire.

[9:50] You're right.

[9:50] Now that you mentioned.

[9:51] Exactly.

[9:52] And a lot of this stuff they try and hush up because they don't want to scare away the tourists.

[9:56] But they try to light the tree again tonight.

[9:58] And lo and behold, by hand to God, something wacky happened.

[10:02] You won't see this on the news because there'd be the blackout.

[10:05] They covered it up.

[10:05] It's the kind of thing that gives New York City a black eye, lighting the Christmas tree.

[10:09] Watch.

[10:10] They covered it up.

[10:10] Just watch.

[10:12] There it is.

[10:12] Look at that.

[10:13] Now watch this.

[10:15] Look at this.

[10:16] Get ready.

[10:17] Hang on.

[10:18] Here we go.

[10:34] On Sunday, George W. had two flags.

[10:36] There he is with the two flags.

[10:38] George W. right there.

[10:39] Okay.

[10:40] Al Gore, who really, really, really wants to be president.

[10:43] Monday night, he had eight flags.

[10:45] Eight.

[10:46] And then Monday night later, Dick Cheney said, well, hell, I can do better than that.

[10:52] Boys is nuts.

[10:56] You have a lot of flags.

[10:58] Okay.

[10:59] Listen to this.

[10:59] The Canadian elections were held Monday.

[11:01] So now it's time for our in-depth coverage of the Canadian election crisis.

[11:05] Here we go.

[11:15] All right.

[11:15] We're now on day two of the crisis, and here's where it stands.

[11:19] Monday, liberal incumbent Jean Chrétien won the election by a landslide.

[11:24] Today, according to reports out of Ottawa, he is still the winner.

[11:30] No recounts are scheduled.

[11:32] We'll keep you updated as the story develops.

[11:47] I've seen a squirrel hand-counting his nuts.

[11:51] Honest to God.

[11:53] Al Gore was on television again.

[11:55] He's on every night.

[11:56] What, has he got his own show or something?

[11:58] Nah.

[12:00] And I think he's getting desperate.

[12:02] I think he feels this thing.

[12:03] I think he smells this thing slipping away a little bit.

[12:06] But there's two things to watch here as he speaks.

[12:07] And it's like an eight-minute speech or something.

[12:09] And we put the word-count-clock on him.

[12:11] We put the word-count-clock on him.

[12:13] The key words now, vote and count.

[12:16] Also, he looks like he's nuts.

[12:21] He looks like the pressure of this has gotten to him.

[12:27] He seems to be very happy.

[12:34] Kind of a synthetic happiness.

[12:36] I see.

[12:36] Okay.

[12:37] But keep your eye on the word-count-clock.

[12:38] The two words to watch, vote and count.

[12:41] Al Gore, watch.

[12:42] When people cast votes, the votes should be counted.

[12:47] Right, right.

[12:48] I'm sure a complete count of all of the votes cast in Florida.

[12:52] Sure, why not?

[12:53] Not recount after recount, as some have told us.

[12:56] Right.

[12:57] But a single full and accurate count.

[13:00] I see.

[13:00] That's right.

[13:00] A full and accurate count of all the votes.

[13:04] Full and accurate count.

[13:05] An accurate count.

[13:06] Thousands of votes still have not been counted.

[13:09] Is that right?

[13:09] All the ballots counted, certified a vote count, the time to count every vote.

[13:14] When people vote, their votes are counted.

[13:18] None of the thousands of votes that remain to be counted would be counted at all.

[13:22] Hand count, hand count, popular vote, votes, votes, voting machines, the right to vote, uncounted

[13:28] votes.

[13:29] Why not count all the votes?

[13:31] It's hard to count.

[13:33] Counting the votes.

[13:35] Not counting the votes.

[13:36] They're counted, and these votes were cast, and they have not been counted.

[13:41] I see.

[13:41] Why not count?

[13:42] Ignore the votes.

[13:45] And not count them.

[13:47] So every vote should be counted.

[13:49] I see.

[13:50] Thank you very much, Al.

[13:51] Vice President Al Gore.

[14:02] I think this is what he was driving at.

[14:04] Your vote only counts.

[14:05] Yeah.

[14:08] Your vote only counts, you see, if it's counted.

[14:12] And then you can count on me to vote.

[14:19] It's going to either be that guy.

[14:23] Do you want that guy for four years, or do you want that cowboy hat for the next four years?

[14:27] I'm telling you, we're just weeks away before they dig a barbecue pit in the front lawn right now.

[14:32] Ah.

[14:33] That's what it's going to...

[14:34] There we go, there we go.

[14:36] Ah.

[14:42] We're going to show you now, ladies and gentlemen, a day in the life of the George W. Bush transition team.

[14:46] Paul, here we go.

[14:47] I read the news today.

[14:49] Oh, boy.

[14:51] George W. certified as president.

[14:54] Now, Al Gore seems kind of mad.

[14:58] He wants to sue his ass.

[14:59] How many words does it take to count?

[15:02] A double jab.

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:04] Very nice.

[15:06] Thank you very much, Paul.

[15:09] All right.

[15:12] We have a transition team standing by here at all times at the Late Show.

[15:16] We always have our transition office.

[15:17] What do you mean we have a transition?

[15:18] We have a transition office ready to go at the drop of an hour.

[15:20] Why would we need a transition?

[15:21] Are we set up to show them that here's our transition office?

[15:24] Take a look.

[15:24] Right there.

[15:25] There it is.

[15:25] That's our transition office.

[15:27] We're ready to go.

[15:29] At a moment's notice, he calls beacons.

[15:33] Okay.

[15:34] This is a day in the life of the Bush transition team.

[15:36] 9 a.m., foreign policy advisors draft plan for trade embargoes

[15:40] against nations with hard-to-pronounce names.

[15:48] 10 a.m., Alan Greenspan gets upset when W. repeatedly addresses him as Mr. Green Jeans.

[16:01] Look out.

[16:03] Oh, man.

[16:04] That about got you.

[16:05] That was, yeah.

[16:05] I would have knocked the wind right out of my head.

[16:07] How do you do that?

[16:07] You just made it drop right in front of me.

[16:09] Yeah.

[16:09] Pretty good.

[16:12] 10.30 a.m., Dick Cheney's cardiologist vetoes several White House intern candidates.

[16:29] That looks like that Charlie's Angels movie.

[16:31] I've got to see it again.

[16:33] I'm not sure.

[16:36] 11 a.m., in response to Al Gore's American flags, the Bush team tries to outdo its opponent.

[16:40] Watch this.

[16:41] Secretary Cheney and I are honored and humbled to have won the state of Florida.

[16:45] And your vote only counts is your vote.

[16:48] We're counting on you to vote, and then your vote will only count if it's counted.

[16:52] Do you understand why it's important to vote?

[16:53] We're counting on you to vote.

[16:55] And then we'll count your vote.

[16:57] You can count on us to count your vote.

[17:00] We're the vote counting party.

[17:01] We count our votes.

[17:07] 12 noon.

[17:09] Straum Thurman drops by to relate some helpful anecdotes about the transition following the 1892 election.

[17:27] David, you're on.

[17:28] You're on the air.

[17:28] Yeah, I enjoyed that.

[17:30] That's stuff I do on the weekend to entertain myself.

[17:32] I know.

[17:33] I'm always on.

[17:34] I can see that.

[17:38] You're like a Milton Berle.

[17:39] Exactly.

[17:40] Yeah.

[17:40] Exactly.

[17:41] 1.30 p.m., George W. Bush prefers Christmas list.

[17:44] Who's naughty, who's nice, and who's a major league ass?

[17:46] Uh, what?

[17:49] Big time.

[17:52] Right into the heart's eye.

[17:56] Well, my dad was president.

[17:58] Now I guess I have to be president.

[18:01] I'm happier in Texas electrocuting guys.

[18:07] 2.30 p.m., arrange for Governor Bush to address the American people in an attempt to portray a more presidential image.

[18:14] He needed electoral votes to win the election.

[18:17] What?

[18:17] Wait a minute.

[18:17] He will therefore undertake the responsibility of preparing to serve as a matter.

[18:23] Classic stuff.

[18:24] This is the A stuff.

[18:30] This is the real stuff.

[18:31] This is the award-winning material.

[18:32] The A material.

[18:33] Yeah, you betcha.

[18:35] 4 p.m., they're going to convert the Lincoln Memorial into an inspiring tribute to capital punishment.

[18:40] Watch.

[18:43] Old Sparky.

[18:44] Take a ride on Old Sparky.

[18:50] Did you see the size of that rat?

[18:52] Yeah.

[18:54] Something always goes wrong.

[18:56] Yeah, every year.

[18:56] Something always goes wrong.

[18:58] Uncanny, yeah.

[18:58] It's bad karma.

[18:59] They've got no business kept down those beautiful, majestic old trees.

[19:02] Where do they get them?

[19:03] You know, it's always upstate.

[19:04] Oh, somewhere.

[19:05] And they always do the interview with the family.

[19:06] Well, yeah, we kind of hate to see it go, but we can use the $35.

[19:13] What?

[19:15] It's kind of a nuisance, too.

[19:16] It was, you know, birds and stuff would come and...

[19:21] Yeah, it's better that it's gone.

[19:24] Too much shade in the yard.

[19:30] Um, no, no.

[19:33] And finally, and finally, is that right?

[19:36] And finally, 6 p.m., give Oval Office Carpet one mother of a shampooing.

[19:41] There you go.

[19:43] How many more does it take to count a crazy dimpled chair?

[19:50] Oh, yeah.

[19:55] Ladies and gentlemen, a big program for you tonight.

[19:57] The very funny Jon Stewart and Everlast.

[19:59] We'll be right back with some more stuff.

[20:11] Critics agree, traffic is the best picture of the year.

[20:14] We need to take down one of these cartels.

[20:17] A gripping edge-of-your-seat thriller.

[20:18] The border's disappearing.

[20:20] It's gonna be free for all.

[20:21] It's all about the money.

[20:22] Two big thumbs-up for this powerful epic.

[20:24] Oh, my goodness.

[20:25] The most exciting movie of the year.

[20:27] Let's do some more.

[20:28] Just tell them where my daughter is.

[20:30] Nominated for five Golden Globe Awards, including Best Picture of the Year.

[20:35] Traffic.

[20:35] Rated R.

[20:36] Now playing in L.A. and New York.

[20:38] Tomorrow, everywhere.

[20:41] Soup?

[20:42] Campbell's tomato.

[20:43] Celery.

[20:44] You always knew Campbell's was good.

[20:47] Now, over 30 savory favorites have under 100 calories and 3 grams of fat or less per serving.

[20:52] So much for celery.

[20:53] Campbell's.

[20:54] Mm-mm, good.

[20:56] High Endurance Red Zone.

[20:58] Strongest form of wetness protection Old Spice has ever made.

[21:01] Just for guys who sweat big.

[21:03] Nothing is stronger.

[21:04] Guaranteed.

[21:05] Or call 1-800-PRUV-IT and Old Spice will buy you a stick of yours.

[21:09] Red Zone.

[21:12] A little to the left.

[21:14] Can you see it?

[21:15] I think there's a 715 at the 12-plex.

[21:19] Need a better way to get movie showtimes?

[21:21] Hollywood.com.

[21:22] No one's got an easier way to help you find the right theater in your neighborhood.

[21:26] Search by movie, zip code, or theater name.

[21:28] Plus, we've got reviews, reviews, interviews, and more.

[21:32] Or it's a 1215 at the 7-plex.

[21:35] Save your eyes for the movie.

[21:37] Hollywood.com.

[21:38] Isn't it time you went Hollywood?

[21:46] The best lift system.

[21:49] The greatest snow conditions.

[21:52] The perfect winter getaway.

[21:55] Jump into January with a Mount Bachelor 3-Day Getaway

[21:59] and take advantage of the Northwest's premier winter destination.

[22:03] Getaways start at just $69 per night for premium lodging and lift tickets.

[22:07] Some restrictions apply.

[22:09] See mountbatchelor.com for details.

[22:11] Mount Bachelor.

[22:12] It's all yours.

[22:16] You remember Jared from Subway?

[22:18] Turns out he's inspired a lot of people.

[22:21] It's still looking good.

[22:23] He'll show you the way.

[22:26] His name is Jared.

[22:28] And he'll lead you to Subway.

[22:31] That's where it goes.

[22:34] Along with the rest.

[22:37] For seven sandwiches.

[22:39] With six grams of fat or less.

[22:41] What an inspiration.

[22:43] Subway.

[22:44] Eat fresh.

[23:12] The 3.2 TL from Acura.

[23:26] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

[23:28] John Stewart is here.

[23:30] Also, Everlast.

[23:34] I, of course, and I don't even know that you need to call attention to this

[23:37] because people have known this about me forever.

[23:39] I am the patriotic talk show host.

[23:41] Oh, of course.

[23:42] A lot of these other talk show hosts, I know a couple who are communists.

[23:46] I know a couple.

[23:48] Really?

[23:49] Who are actually communists.

[23:50] Communists.

[23:51] And would love nothing more than to see the destruction not only of the government,

[23:54] but of the American way of life.

[23:55] Really?

[23:56] That's what communists are?

[23:58] Yeah.

[23:58] A couple of talk show hosts that I can't name names.

[24:00] Well, who are you getting at?

[24:00] Well, I just, I don't want to say any more than I've got already.

[24:02] But my point is...

[24:03] Give us a hint.

[24:04] No, no, Oprah.

[24:05] But if you...

[24:11] If you get a really nice...

[24:13] It's like one of these things where the American flag, you see it so much and so often

[24:16] you begin to take it for granted.

[24:17] But when you get to looking at this thing, it really is a lovely, lovely flag, isn't it?

[24:21] Sure.

[24:21] Beautiful.

[24:23] Got a lot of stuff going on.

[24:33] Am I the only one standing?

[24:39] Now we...

[24:40] Well, with a line like that.

[24:41] But once you start it, you can't stop it.

[24:44] Oh, Lord.

[24:46] I just paused it.

[24:47] What?

[24:48] That was just a pause.

[24:49] Just a pause.

[24:50] All right.

[24:55] Thank you.

[25:31] Thank you, boys.

[25:33] Not easy to do.

[25:34] Sorry about that stop, too.

[25:36] On the spur of the moment, that's great.

[25:38] Will you call down and make sure we have some editing time for tonight?

[25:41] Yeah, absolutely.

[25:43] I'll tell you something else.

[25:44] Your flag, that's a beautiful flag.

[25:46] Yeah, I know you love the Canadian flag.

[25:48] Oh, it's a spectacular flag, and your anthem is also a great anthem.

[25:50] Love it.

[25:50] But I'm not going to start that one.

[25:54] And in some countries, and I know their flag means as much to them as ours means to us,

[25:58] but some countries, you wonder, you know, it's just got like the three stripes, the colors,

[26:01] and you think, well, well.

[26:03] But I know symbolically it means something, but when you look at it, it's just like, uh, some kind of, who are you getting at?

[26:09] No, I don't want to get into that.

[26:11] But you know what I'm saying, just like, oh, what are you selling, cookies?

[26:14] This is a great thing.

[26:19] There's a guy, there's a guy here in downtown, a magician, who's frozen to death in a block of ice.

[26:32] And he's in a block of ice, and he's going to be in there for a couple of months,

[26:36] and you can go down to Times Square and see him.

[26:39] Now, my magician friends tell me that he's in no grave danger, no peril whatsoever,

[26:43] that it's heated, and he has, like, hi-fi and stuff, and he's going to be fun.

[26:47] Really? Oh, he's got all the comforts in him.

[26:48] Yeah, but tourists go down, and they say, oh, look, a guy, you know, but he's fine, apparently.

[26:53] He's not, you know, it's just a trick.

[26:54] It's just a little publicity stunt.

[26:56] But when our building engineer, George Clark, heard about it, he says,

[26:59] I want to do something like that for the holidays.

[27:02] George, where are you? Where is George?

[27:03] Right here, Dave.

[27:04] Hey, George, how's it going?

[27:05] Good, sir.

[27:06] Now, you're in the boiler room down there?

[27:07] Yes, sir.

[27:09] Now, you've heard about this guy who's frozen alive in a block of ice.

[27:13] Is that right?

[27:14] That's right, Dave.

[27:14] And what are you going to do?

[27:16] Well, I'm going to dump a bucket of ice down my pants.

[27:19] All right.

[27:20] And tell my wife I love her.

[27:22] All right, we will, George.

[27:23] George Clark.

[27:26] Whoa.

[27:28] Yeah, don't forget that last.

[27:30] It's always the...

[27:37] All right.

[27:38] Okay.

[27:41] Now, we're always...

[27:43] We're coming to the end of the year,

[27:44] and we're putting together our highlight reel.

[27:46] So, these are some of the highlights of the show 2000, you know.

[27:50] Many of us thought there wouldn't be a 2000 because of the Y2K.

[27:53] Yeah.

[27:53] You know, but there was,

[27:55] and I have six tons of hamburger helper downstairs.

[27:58] That's the truth.

[27:58] But I'm still trying to unload.

[28:00] Yeah.

[28:00] Okay.

[28:01] So, here's what we've come up with.

[28:02] First, I had the massive heart attack,

[28:03] and then the surgery.

[28:05] That's me.

[28:05] Oh, yeah.

[28:06] Hey, cool.

[28:06] Then, on June 16th,

[28:08] my face, look at this.

[28:09] That was a highlight.

[28:11] Dingo.

[28:12] Then, on November 20th,

[28:14] Richard's...

[28:15] Hey!

[28:18] Yeah, that's right.

[28:19] And then I went hunting on Thanksgiving Day.

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:22] Kicked silly by an elk.

[28:23] So, that's what we've got so far.

[28:25] Those are the highlights of the year 2000.

[28:27] Yeah, it's a good time here.

[28:28] Pretty good.

[28:29] We'll be right back with Jon Stewart, ladies and gentlemen.

[28:32] Thank you.

[28:42] This is your movie.

[28:43] Marker!

[28:43] Rolling Stone calls State and Maine the year's best comedy.

[28:46] It's about the quest for purity.

[28:48] I don't want to take my shirt off.

[28:49] Alec Baldwin has never been funnier.

[28:51] Everybody needs a hobby.

[28:52] Sarah Jessica Parker is sly and sexy.

[28:54] Hi!

[28:55] William H. Macy is sublime.

[28:56] Are you kidding me?

[28:57] Philip Seymour Hoffman is a revelation.

[29:00] David Pamer is ruthlessly funny.

[29:02] I'm gonna wet myself.

[29:02] And Rebecca Pidgeon is sassy.

[29:04] That's absurd.

[29:05] So is our electoral process, but we still vote.

[29:08] State and Maine.

[29:08] A David Babbitt film.

[29:09] Rated R.

[29:10] Now playing Select City.

[29:11] Starts January 12th everywhere.

[29:12] Come on, girl!

[29:13] Give it to me, baby!

[29:15] Give in to the big, tasty, original chicken sandwich at Burger King.

[29:19] Right now, it's just 99 cents.

[29:21] Give it to me, baby!

[29:22] With crispy, delicious, all-white meat.

[29:25] With fries and drink, it's just $2.99.

[29:29] Give it to me, baby!

[29:34] At these prices, we're practically giving it to you.

[29:37] Give it to me, baby!

[29:39] Only at Burger King.

[29:42] I'm hosting the People's Choice Awards on CBS.

[29:45] I gotta get in shape, because the camera adds about 10 pounds.

[29:48] That's enough for today.

[29:49] The People's Choice, live, CBS Sunday.

[29:53] Patrick Duffy and all my children, Eva LaRue, join our celebrity panel to reveal the real

[29:58] roadside reverend.

[29:59] Oh, good heavens.

[30:00] Has anybody ever flipped you up?

[30:02] You won't believe the next to tell the truth.

[30:05] Tonight at 1235 on COIN-TV6.

[30:08] You better watch out.

[30:10] You better not cry.

[30:11] You better not doubt.

[30:13] I'm telling you why.

[30:14] The holiday calls are coming to town.

[30:18] We see you when you're sleeping.

[30:20] We know when you're awake.

[30:23] We know if you've been mad or would so be good.

[30:27] For goodness sake.

[30:28] Stop by and get a free Holiday Ball when you buy a Sourdough Jack combo.

[30:33] The Holiday Balls are coming to town.

[30:39] 3, 2, 1.

[30:42] Hold everything.

[30:44] Sleep Country's huge year-end clearance sale is going on now.

[30:47] Save on selected 2000 ceiling, Simmons, Spring Air, and Pacific mattresses.

[30:52] The biggest difference between the 2000 and 2001 models is the fabric and the money you

[30:57] save.

[30:58] But only for a limited time.

[31:00] Happy New Year!

[31:01] Man.

[31:02] That year in sale is bigger than I thought.

[31:09] My name is William Forrester.

[31:11] I'm not one player.

[31:12] A legend who turned his back on the world and an athlete with a hidden gift will take on

[31:18] the system.

[31:18] You're the man now, dog!

[31:20] Finding Forrester.

[31:21] Rated PG-13.

[31:22] Opens January 12th everywhere.

[31:36] Paul Schaefer and Felicia Collins Schaefer.

[31:39] Our first guest, a very funny gentleman and the host of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

[31:43] on Comedy Central.

[31:44] Here he is, our good friend, Jon Stewart.

[31:47] Jon, come on up.

[32:01] Welcome back.

[32:03] Thank you.

[32:04] Hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

[32:05] I had a lovely one.

[32:06] I just want to say publicly for the record that I am not now or have ever been a member

[32:09] of the conference.

[32:09] Good.

[32:10] I appreciate that.

[32:11] I'm glad you established that.

[32:12] But, but let me finish.

[32:13] I am wearing women's panties.

[32:15] Really?

[32:16] Women's panties?

[32:16] I knew it.

[32:20] By the way, happy birthday.

[32:21] I'm happy you got the leather outfit you asked for.

[32:23] Yeah, thank you.

[32:24] Same to you.

[32:25] We share a birthday.

[32:27] Is that right?

[32:27] How old are you now?

[32:29] 79.

[32:30] What is that American, though?

[32:31] What is that?

[32:32] What's that American?

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:33] It's the same exchange.

[32:35] Oh, is it really?

[32:35] The same age?

[32:36] Right now it is, yeah.

[32:37] Oh, that's interesting.

[32:37] He's very good, actually.

[32:39] Anyway, happy birthday.

[32:41] He's, thank you very much.

[32:41] He's Canadian.

[32:42] Yeah, I know.

[32:45] We've checked his papers.

[32:46] We're embarrassed, but I'm embarrassed by your election because they trumped us.

[32:50] The Canada.

[32:50] They did it in a day, and a day up there only lasts like an hour and a half.

[32:53] You know what I mean?

[32:54] Am I right?

[32:55] No, no disrespect.

[32:57] No disrespect, but it's a land of terrible pain and cannibalism, and yet they finished

[33:02] it.

[33:03] Thank you.

[33:04] Really, Canada.

[33:04] Again, all due respect.

[33:05] Oh, thank you.

[33:07] I mean, this is a land that was, Canada was founded by people that came to the Americas

[33:11] and looked around and went, we'll take the frozen part.

[33:15] Yeah, that'll be all right.

[33:15] Yeah, we'll take that.

[33:16] That's the part.

[33:17] We'll go to the place.

[33:18] It's a lovely country.

[33:21] Is it really?

[33:22] Oh, it's beautiful.

[33:22] I've never been there.

[33:23] Oh, you ought to go up there.

[33:24] I've never been up there.

[33:25] Haiti.

[33:26] I've never been to Canada.

[33:26] Haiti did a better election than I am.

[33:30] Didn't we put their government in place?

[33:31] How did they do that?

[33:32] I think we put the whole thing together, yeah.

[33:33] I'm pretty sure we did.

[33:33] In the 70s, they were ruled by a cardboard cutout of Lee Majors, and now they're doing better

[33:38] than us.

[33:40] We are an embarrassment.

[33:42] You know what I heard this morning?

[33:43] What's that?

[33:43] Cuba, this morning, put a bag of flaming poop on our doorstep.

[33:48] Is that right?

[33:49] Yep.

[33:50] As a joke.

[33:53] Oh, as a joke.

[33:54] As a joke.

[33:54] I see.

[33:57] They were laughing at it.

[33:58] Do you get the sense that people at large are just getting tired of this?

[34:02] Are you calling me a communist?

[34:03] No, no, no, no, no.

[34:04] Because if that's what you're in situating.

[34:05] No, no, I didn't say that at all.

[34:06] But do you know what I'm saying?

[34:07] That after a while, people just say, oh, enough of this.

[34:09] You know, we don't have a president, we don't care.

[34:11] It's chaos out there, Dave.

[34:11] I think you know.

[34:12] Yeah, it's a bedlam.

[34:12] I was outside your studio earlier today.

[34:15] Right across the street, there is a place, and this is the kind of spiral we've been

[34:18] under, the chaos that's incurring without a president alone.

[34:21] People are rudderless.

[34:24] I wandered next door.

[34:26] A woman for $20 would dance naked in front of me for three minutes or until the end of

[34:29] the song.

[34:30] That's what she said.

[34:30] Really?

[34:31] I mean, it's chaos out there.

[34:33] It's anarchy.

[34:35] There's a guy.

[34:36] You saw the guy in ice.

[34:38] The guy in ice, right?

[34:39] Nobody helping him.

[34:42] There's a guy in a block of ice.

[34:43] Nobody helping him.

[34:44] A president-elect wouldn't let that happen.

[34:47] The president-elect would say, does anyone have a block of ice?

[34:49] Right.

[34:50] Yeah, exactly.

[34:50] Yeah.

[34:51] So that's a mishap is what that is.

[34:53] It's a terrible mishap.

[34:54] This country is, we're in a doubt.

[34:56] I'm sorry.

[34:56] Did I touch your leg?

[34:57] No.

[34:57] I don't know.

[34:57] I don't want you to spray me.

[34:58] I don't want you to spray me with a fire extinguisher.

[35:00] I see what you can do.

[35:03] Now, what about the Secretary of State, Catherine Harris?

[35:06] What do you think?

[35:06] I'm going to go with...

[35:07] I think she's exciting in the same way Anita Bryant is exciting.

[35:11] Like hot and like a...

[35:12] Like says things that are right-wing but is kind of dirty?

[35:14] I'm going to stay a little more.

[35:15] I'm just going to let it rest.

[35:16] I think she's dirty.

[35:18] You think she is dirty?

[35:19] I think she's dirty in the way that like women that hang out in Ramada in bars are dirty.

[35:24] Like that kind of...

[35:25] I don't mean that...

[35:26] Again, no disrespect.

[35:27] Oh, gosh.

[35:28] But that kind of like...

[35:29] That kind of...

[35:30] Everybody has an ant that smells like cream de menthe all the time.

[35:35] You know what I mean?

[35:35] The old website is going to be very active for the next couple of days.

[35:39] No, no, no.

[35:39] All I'm saying is that she's the kind of woman that maybe you'd be staying in a Ramada Inn,

[35:42] let's say in a remote location, selling hardware or whatever you sell.

[35:45] And you might run into her at the bar as she's sipping a julep, perhaps.

[35:50] And she might turn to you and say,

[35:51] You know, I used to be a majorette.

[35:54] You know that?

[35:54] I used to be a majorette.

[35:55] You know that?

[35:56] I'm just...

[35:56] I don't know that that's true.

[35:59] It's a hunch you have about her.

[36:01] Yeah.

[36:02] I think, though, from seeing her, it's clear why Republicans are not normally caught up in a sex scan.

[36:07] Is that right?

[36:07] I think that's...

[36:09] She...

[36:09] That's scary.

[36:10] I mean, when you're drunk, sure, but then, you know.

[36:13] Now, do you have a man of your wisdom and perspective?

[36:17] Do you have any insight about what Florida could do here to show?

[36:20] I'm glad that you asked me.

[36:21] Thank you.

[36:21] I think they should settle it like they do everything in Florida by local custom,

[36:26] which, as you know, is the hot buns contest.

[36:29] Have you been to Daytona?

[36:30] No, I did.

[36:31] Not in here.

[36:31] The hot buns contest?

[36:32] I didn't realize that.

[36:34] I mean, I know what you're getting at.

[36:36] Uh-huh.

[36:36] What you're getting at is that I'm Jewish and my people have ruined the country.

[36:40] No, I didn't know.

[36:41] I didn't know.

[36:41] You're saying that in Palm Beach...

[36:43] First of all, you call me a communist.

[36:45] No, I didn't call you a communist.

[36:47] Seriously?

[36:48] Yeah, yeah, seriously.

[36:48] Well, okay.

[36:51] Then, so Palm Beach County is the county causing all the problems.

[36:53] And it's old Jews.

[36:54] Let's face it.

[36:54] These are my people.

[36:55] These are old Jews.

[36:56] Whatever you say.

[36:56] And they are people that are, I'm sorry to say, used to being able to send things back.

[36:59] That's just how they are.

[37:02] And what happened was they got the ballot.

[37:09] They got the ballot, and they started to fill it out, and then they felt a draft, and something happened.

[37:14] And, oh, this ballot I thought was going to be leaner, you know, or something.

[37:18] And then they went.

[37:20] So I apologize.

[37:21] I apologize for my people.

[37:22] But it's nothing personal.

[37:24] They can't make up their minds at Pumpernick's Deli.

[37:26] They really...

[37:27] See, so we're just kind of a quagmire there.

[37:29] Here's what I think we should do with Florida.

[37:30] We're like a wolf with a leg in an iron bear trap right now.

[37:33] I say we chew it off.

[37:36] Chew it off.

[37:38] Set it adrift.

[37:38] Set it adrift, because I'll tell you why.

[37:41] If you're...

[37:43] Ever since O.J. moved down there, nothing but trouble for that whole place.

[37:48] Well, we could blame it all on O.J.

[37:49] Okay, I'm telling you, I would not be surprised to turn on the TV tomorrow and see all the

[37:54] Miami-Dade ballots heading towards Georgia in a white Ford Bronco.

[37:57] That's all I'm saying.

[38:01] I have a couple of things I want to ask you about your show, but we have to pay some bills

[38:06] here.

[38:07] Okay.

[38:08] All right.

[38:08] We'll be right back with Jon Stewart, ladies and gentlemen.

[38:22] Boy, I sure miss playing.

[38:24] Yeah, me too.

[38:25] Hey, guys, you can still get to the Super Bowl.

[38:27] How?

[38:31] Just collect game cards, especially marked bags of Frito-Lay snacks.

[38:34] You match a play on the card to the play in the Super Bowl, and you can win one of millions

[38:37] of prizes, like Super Bowl tickets for life.

[38:39] The AFC just kicked a field goal.

[38:42] All right, I want a hat.

[38:44] Hey, no one should blow tickets for life.

[38:47] The hats are good.

[38:49] Play Frito-Lays, find the winning plays game.

[38:52] Eight years ago, we got a homicide.

[38:54] Same M.O., same victim profile.

[38:57] He knows the killer is out there.

[38:59] You could expect another incident.

[39:02] He knows it will happen again.

[39:04] You don't know what you are dealing with.

[39:06] This guy is regal, and I know it.

[39:08] Crazy!

[39:09] He knows he's the only one who can stop it.

[39:13] Jack Nicholson.

[39:14] I made a promise.

[39:15] In a Sean Penn film.

[39:17] I intend to keep it.

[39:18] The Pledge, rated R, starts Friday, January 19th.

[39:22] Who believes Crest MultiCare Whitening really works?

[39:26] They do, of course.

[39:28] All the protection of Crest MultiCare will also help whiten with every brushing.

[39:32] Crest MultiCare Whitening.

[39:34] Take your healthy smile all the way to bright.

[39:39] Michelin would like to remind you, there's only one safety feature on the road that actually touches the road.

[39:49] Michelin.

[39:50] Because so much is riding on your tires.

[39:53] You wouldn't believe the sales.

[39:55] I hope you didn't put all those in the credit card.

[39:57] Yeah, why?

[39:59] Those interest charges are really going to get us.

[40:02] Don't worry.

[40:03] I used our new Capital One card.

[40:05] It's interest-free.

[40:10] To the neighbors!

[40:12] If you had a new Capital One card, all your purchases would be interest-free until July 2001.

[40:17] We've got to tell Bob and Carol about Capital One.

[40:20] What's in your wallet?

[40:22] Sunday, January 28th.

[40:23] Television's greatest adventure begins again.

[40:26] Survivor, Australia not back, right after the Super Bowl on CBS.

[40:30] Can you survive the wait?

[40:33] Haven't you gone vertical yet?

[40:34] Get the sandwich as anything but flat.

[40:36] The new KFC Twister.

[40:38] Two huge crispy strips, lettuce, tomato, and a peppery sauce, and a warm tortilla.

[40:42] How good is that?

[40:43] Discover the funnel full of flavor today for $1.99.

[40:49] The best lift system.

[40:52] The greatest snow conditions.

[40:55] The perfect winter getaway.

[40:58] Jump into January with a Mount Bachelor three-day getaway and take advantage of the Northwest's premier winter destination.

[41:05] Getaways start at just $69 per night for premium lodging and lift tickets.

[41:10] Some restrictions apply.

[41:12] See mountbatchelor.com for details.

[41:14] Mount Bachelor.

[41:15] It's all yours.

[41:19] Your greatest outdoor adventure begins here.

[41:22] Come see what's new at Portland's International Sportsman Show on now through Sunday at the Oregon Convention Center.

[41:27] Try and buy all the latest gear at show prices.

[41:30] See demonstrations by world-class pros.

[41:32] Book fishing, hunting, and adventure trips here and around the world.

[41:35] And visit the Northwest Ford Store's ultimate campsite.

[41:39] This is it.

[41:40] Just once a year, Portland's International Sportsman Show on now through Sunday at the Oregon Convention Center.

[41:45] It's bigger than ever.

[41:48] Haven't you gone vertical yet?

[41:49] Get the sandwich as anything but flat.

[41:51] The new KFC Twister.

[41:53] Two huge crispy strips, lettuce, tomato, and a peppery sauce, and a warm tortilla.

[41:57] How good is that?

[41:58] Discover the funnel full of flavor today for $1.99.

[42:14] John Stewart, ladies and gentlemen, he's not a communist.

[42:19] Now, you had the old John Stewart show and now you have the John Stewart, the daily show.

[42:24] Am I being fired?

[42:25] No, no.

[42:25] You've done this a long time.

[42:27] You've got some experience under your belt.

[42:28] Well, I'll tell you a little something that happened to me a week ago tonight.

[42:31] Richard Simmons is on and he's dressed up like a turkey.

[42:34] I'm sorry?

[42:34] Richard Simmons was on the show and he's dressed up like a turkey.

[42:38] Don't just blow by that one.

[42:40] He's dressed up like a turkey.

[42:41] Dressed as a turkey, yes.

[42:42] A giant, kind of orange-plumed turkey.

[42:45] And he's misbehaving and he won't get off the desk.

[42:47] And all he wants to do, he just wants to get on me.

[42:50] That's all he really wants to do.

[42:52] And he wants to kiss me, desperately, like he's fresh out of prison.

[42:56] He just wants to kiss me.

[43:00] So, and I don't necessarily want him to kiss me, you see?

[43:04] Right.

[43:05] But the thought did, I mean, were you dead set against him kissing you or were you thinking in your head,

[43:09] well, I do like turkey.

[43:10] I mean, what were you thinking?

[43:12] Well, see, that was kind of his ploy.

[43:13] His ploy was dressed like a turkey.

[43:15] So, as the evening wore on and it was time for Richard to go,

[43:18] and Richard is the last person to know when it's time for him to go,

[43:21] I was trying to move him along with the aid of a CO2 fire extinguisher.

[43:27] And we threw it to the commercial and we wrapped it up and he lunged at me.

[43:32] I believe the turkey is a flightless bird.

[43:36] And he lunged at me and on me and started to kiss me.

[43:39] Was he flapping?

[43:40] Oh, yes, he was.

[43:41] Believe me.

[43:43] Many, many parts of him were flapping.

[43:47] And as he's kissing me, he gets me in a headlock.

[43:52] And I know I can tell the difference between a headlock when you're just kidding around

[43:55] and when somebody wants to kill you.

[43:57] And this little oily turkey, weasley turkey guy.

[44:00] Right.

[44:01] Suddenly now I can't breathe.

[44:02] You know, there's no air going through the windpipe.

[44:04] Let me ask you this, because we just cooked a turkey.

[44:06] Did the thermometer pop up when he was talking to you?

[44:09] Because that's, you've got to be very...

[44:11] Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

[44:15] Well, what do you do?

[44:16] What do you do?

[44:16] Here's what I did.

[44:17] And there are many, many ways to handle it.

[44:19] This is how I chose to handle it.

[44:20] I screamed obscenities at him.

[44:22] Well within your rights.

[44:23] Yeah, yeah.

[44:24] Well, one was a noun, one was a verb.

[44:27] So a whole sentence.

[44:29] Yeah, a couple of sentences.

[44:30] Was he getting it?

[44:31] Was he getting the point?

[44:31] No, he didn't seem to get any of it.

[44:33] Oh, boy.

[44:33] But anyway...

[44:34] Turkeys are a dumb animal.

[44:35] The point of...

[44:36] Very dumb animal.

[44:37] Has anything untoward like this, and God forbid that it has, happened to you since you've

[44:42] been hosting this show?

[44:43] We don't get guests of that magnitude.

[44:48] Oh, I see.

[44:49] I got on the old show when we had gotten canceled.

[44:52] It was the last two weeks, which is a very strange thing in showbiz.

[44:55] I don't know if it's ever happened to you.

[44:56] Oh, yes.

[44:56] You get canceled, and then they still have you do a couple of weeks?

[44:59] That's right.

[45:00] Well, they're like, you're fired, but could you just stick around for a couple?

[45:03] Because we had on a guy who, he had condors.

[45:06] It was one of those, you know, the animal segments.

[45:07] Giant birds, sure.

[45:08] Same kind of thing.

[45:09] Right.

[45:10] But none of them were...

[45:11] Actually, one of the condors was dressed like Richard Simmons, oddly enough.

[45:15] But they were giant condors that he was going to show us magnificent tricks.

[45:18] The condor was going to jump from one thing to another, and then he was going to bring

[45:22] out a girl condor, and whatever was going to happen.

[45:24] But he hadn't fed them in quite some time, months probably.

[45:28] And so when he released the male condor, it lunged into the audience.

[45:31] Our audience is much...

[45:33] They're much closer.

[45:34] They're not...

[45:34] Your audience, obviously, in the dark, and...

[45:38] Yeah, that's right.

[45:39] And they...

[45:40] No.

[45:42] They're about a quarter of a mile away.

[45:45] So the condor lunges into the audience, and I assume looks at one of our audience members

[45:50] and thinks, oh, I could eat that.

[45:53] And begins to pick slowly at his eyes, and is...

[45:56] Just pecking right at the face.

[45:57] Pecking, and I'm kind of standing with the man who bills himself as a bit of a bird expert.

[46:02] And I would think at that point, he might want to utilize that expertise and get the

[46:05] bird.

[46:06] Stop him from killing.

[46:07] So I say, could you get the bird from...

[46:09] And he said, oh, well, maybe we should go to commercial.

[46:11] Ah.

[46:12] Well, maybe we should get the bird first.

[46:13] Yeah.

[46:13] So the audience, you know how the audience gets into it?

[46:16] Like, your audience, they stood up and they yelled, go, go, go.

[46:18] Right.

[46:19] They yelled...

[46:20] I believe what they yelled was, sue them, sue them, sue them.

[46:25] As we were going.

[46:26] And then three days later, I was out of a job.

[46:30] Now, along those lines, this must have been quite a kick for you.

[46:33] You co-hosted with Regis Philbin.

[46:36] I did.

[46:37] And then...

[46:37] That must have been great fun.

[46:38] It was unbelievably fun.

[46:39] But Regis also had not been fed in a while and went out into the audience.

[46:45] I'm not saying he pecked anybody's eyes out.

[46:47] He has a...

[46:48] You know, at ABC, they overworked.

[46:50] He never leaves that building.

[46:51] He has saved that network.

[46:52] No, but he's literally the boy in the bubble.

[46:54] They don't let him leave.

[46:56] All they do is wheel him from show to show.

[46:58] And you see him crying, I need human touch.

[47:01] Oh, that's sad.

[47:03] But it was such a blast to do.

[47:06] He's such a nice man.

[47:07] And I feel so good for him now that was a Cruella.

[47:11] Who is the woman?

[47:12] Kathy Lee.

[47:18] I mean no disrespect.

[47:22] You know she's half Canadian.

[47:24] I didn't know that.

[47:26] And she...

[47:26] And this is...

[47:27] I don't know this to be a fact, but she eats puppies.

[47:29] Really?

[47:30] Wow, that's ugly.

[47:32] But he just feels so marvelous about...

[47:35] And it's such a fun thing to do.

[47:36] And it's just a shame that they don't ever let him out of the building.

[47:39] Yeah, it's too bad.

[47:39] It's like Vegas, really, where they pump an oxygen.

[47:42] And have slot machines.

[47:43] Now, are you off now to do more of your show?

[47:45] I'm going to do...

[47:46] As soon as I'm done here, I'm going to go do my show with a lot of the jokes, actually,

[47:49] that you said.

[47:50] I took a lot of those down.

[47:52] Well, good.

[47:53] I hope you have better luck with them than I did.

[47:55] I don't know what's...

[47:56] I feel bad because this election has thrown everything that I know to be dear and true

[48:00] into chaos.

[48:01] For instance, I thought that I officially lost my virginity in 81.

[48:05] Right.

[48:05] But it turns out now, after this whole scenario, it turns out I only dimpled the chair.

[48:10] Dimpled the chair.

[48:12] Get your shoe up.

[48:14] Get your foot off the chair.

[48:15] I'm sorry.

[48:15] John Stewart, ladies and gentlemen, from the John Stewart Daily Show.

[48:19] Thank you, John.

[48:20] Thank you very much.

[48:21] Nice job.

[48:21] I always enjoy it.

[48:22] We'll be right back.

[48:32] Cool outfit.

[48:34] Slammin' outfit.

[48:35] Oh.

[48:35] She gave up on her dream.

[48:37] I used to dance.

[48:38] You want to hook up sometime?

[48:39] Work on your moves?

[48:41] Sorry.

[48:42] Until she met someone...

[48:43] I think that's how it was.

[48:45] ...who wouldn't give up on her.

[48:47] They're holding auditions next month.

[48:49] You can do it.

[48:50] You're born to do it.

[48:52] Stay the last dance.

[48:54] Here is your ID.

[48:56] She's ugly.

[48:57] She's 21.

[48:58] Rated PG-13.

[48:59] Special sneak preview Friday, January 5th.

[49:01] Everywhere January 12th.

[49:02] How Dolphin Trainer Jenny Russo eats a Reese's peanut butter cup.

[49:14] There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.

[49:17] To me, a headache is like this little thief trying to rob me of time I need to get things done.

[49:25] So I take Excedrin.

[49:27] It has two pain relievers plus this enhancing ingredient, so it kind of gangs up on my headache.

[49:34] No wonder it works better than Tylenol.

[49:37] Excedrin takes care of the little thief.

[49:40] And I take care of everything else.

[49:44] Excedrin.

[49:44] The headache medicine.

[49:47] Tonight on your Late Late Show, rock and roll sage Dick Clark from the critically acclaimed Ed Tom Cavanaugh and the music of Lifehouse.

[49:57] CBS Friday.

[49:58] When you're running from the law, the last thing you need is a woman and a cop obsessed with her.

[50:03] I don't have time.

[50:04] You and me are going.

[50:05] All new fugitive.

[50:07] And is this casino cursed?

[50:08] Past four winners ended up better missing.

[50:10] Or is a killer on the loose?

[50:12] These look like defensive wounds.

[50:13] Golden Globe nominee for Best Drama.

[50:15] CSI.

[50:16] CBS Friday.

[50:19] Engineer Thad Stump wanted to give a full-size SUV the moves of a soccer star.

[50:24] Which is why his team completely re-engineered the suspension on the Yukon XL and tightened the turning radius to make it surprisingly agile.

[50:33] The next time you pull into a tight parking spot, somewhere Thad Stump is thinking, go!

[50:47] What's my name?

[50:48] Shaft!

[50:49] That has never been better.

[50:52] Heard you quit.

[50:52] You think that makes me less dangerous?

[50:54] Now, meet the man.

[50:56] Samuel L. Jackson is Shaft.

[50:59] Can you dig it?

[51:00] Rated R. Rent it today.

[51:03] Now, meet the new castaways of Survivor.

[51:06] I am Elizabeth.

[51:07] A footwear designer.

[51:09] I am Nick.

[51:10] A law student.

[51:11] I am Mad Dog.

[51:13] A retired police inspector.

[51:15] I am Kel.

[51:16] A military intelligence officer.

[51:18] Who will be the ultimate survivor?

[51:20] Catch the premiere right after the Super Bowl on CBS.

[51:53] Do I look like Puffy?

[51:56] There are people out there who want you dead.

[52:00] On January 12th, make the switch.

[52:03] There's not going to be any Rodney Kings going on.

[52:06] See the sights.

[52:08] What is up with your eyes?

[52:10] And get ready for the ride of your life.

[52:13] How you doing, sisters?

[52:15] It's their first time on a train.

[52:16] It's their first time for everything.

[52:18] Double Z, weighted PG-13.

[52:21] Starts finally January 12th.

[52:27] Remember the A-Team?

[52:30] Now there was an odd bunch of individuals.

[52:33] They always had some cockamamie scheme to get out of a jam.

[52:37] It never sounded like it would work, but of course it always did.

[52:42] Week after week, same time, same channel.

[52:46] Those were my boys.

[52:47] That's the Ford F-150 Super Crew.

[52:51] Built Ford Top.

[52:53] How different can best friends be?

[52:55] Take our weddings.

[52:56] Julia, totally traditional.

[52:58] Me, totally untraditional.

[53:00] And Holly, Las Vegas.

[53:03] But yesterday we discovered that we'd all made the same decision about one thing.

[53:06] I'm taking the pill.

[53:07] Or the tricycline.

[53:08] Me too.

[53:09] And you know, when you take it correctly, it's over 99% effective.

[53:12] So there's no worry about getting pregnant until you want to.

[53:14] And just look at my skin.

[53:16] Or the tricycline?

[53:17] Mm-hmm.

[53:18] My doctor told me it's the only one with clinical proof that it helps clear up moderate acne.

[53:21] Yeah.

[53:22] My skin is definitely clearer.

[53:23] The pill does not protect against HIV or sexually transmitted diseases.

[53:27] Serious risks include blood clots, stroke, and heart attack.

[53:30] Cigarette smoking increases these risks, especially if you're a smoker over 35.

[53:34] Women who use the pill are urged not to smoke.

[53:37] Women who have blood clots, certain cancers, a history of heart attack, or stroke, and those

[53:41] who could be pregnant should not use the pill.

[53:43] For more information, talk to your health care provider.

[53:45] If you're going to take the pill, why not take the only one with clinical proof?

[53:48] It helps your skin look better.

[53:50] Or the tricycline.

[53:51] Are we ever going to eat?

[53:54] This is my killer DVD system.

[53:56] Twin wave laser pickup, progressive scan output, 42 inches, 300 watts.

[54:02] Want to get even more out of your DVD system?

[54:05] Get the DVD rental pass from Blockbuster.

[54:08] 30 DVD rentals, 30 days, just $19.99.

[54:13] With so many DVDs at so little cost, your system has never looked better.

[54:19] The best way to DVD is Blockbuster.

[54:23] Don tries to help an ex-girlfriend solve a case, but is he getting too close for comfort?

[54:27] We've had a thing once.

[54:29] It's over.

[54:30] Matt Bridges, CBS Friday.

[54:33] Lydia's trying to connect with her mom.

[54:35] We'll go to the movie.

[54:36] What is your problem?

[54:37] Good luck.

[54:38] Now, how are you going to bond?

[54:39] Over grandchildren?

[54:40] All new That's Life, CBS Saturday.

[54:46] Premiere magazine called Snatch the coolest movie of the year.

[54:50] Meet the gambling man.

[54:51] Evil last thing.

[54:54] The con man.

[54:55] That's your back to the air.

[54:56] Concentrate.

[54:56] What?

[54:57] The hard man.

[54:58] Heavy.

[54:59] Shut up and sit down, you big bald fool.

[55:01] The hit man.

[55:04] Bonjour.

[55:05] On January 19th, who will be the last man standing?

[55:10] Snatch.

[55:11] It's a ton of a parcel to the paddy with the blue guys.

[55:13] You what?

[55:13] Rated R.

[55:14] Opens everywhere January 19th.

[55:28] Oh, I think this is going to be something.

[55:31] Our next guest is a Grammy Award winning musician whose solo debut sold over three million copies.

[55:38] And his acclaimed second CD is entitled, Eat at Whitey's.

[55:42] Ladies and gentlemen, Everlast.

[55:50] They call me white and blue.

[55:53] Black Jesus.

[55:55] Heaven closing.

[55:57] Hell freezing.

[55:58] Ego's tripping.

[56:00] Scripts keep flipping.

[56:01] Bloods keep loving.

[56:03] Crits keep flipping.

[56:04] Time keeps flipping.

[56:06] I keep falling.

[56:08] I can't see, but I'm even falling.

[56:11] Fall is falling.

[56:12] Lives playing.

[56:14] Haters fighting.

[56:16] Rights is playing.

[56:17] Don't break it.

[56:18] I can't see, but I keep thinking.

[56:20] Brings keep digging.

[56:22] Shut up and keep shaking.

[56:23] No time for faking.

[56:25] I'm mean, I ain't chopping no pie.

[56:28] Just like the night cream.

[56:29] If you dig the scene, you feelin' the vibes.

[56:32] Throw your hands in the air.

[56:34] Sleep out, you can laugh.

[56:36] Sing it.

[56:36] Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

[56:39] Sing it.

[56:39] Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

[56:41] Say, na-na-na-na-na.

[56:45] Say, na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

[56:48] And call me black genius.

[56:50] White Moses.

[56:52] Heaven's freezing.

[56:53] Hell closing.

[56:55] Be more closing.

[56:56] On the rocks, the kids are all right.

[56:59] But I need my picks.

[57:00] If you dig in the mix.

[57:02] If you feelin' the drugs.

[57:03] If you keepin' it real.

[57:05] If you're livin' like us.

[57:07] I'll spit kisses and hugs.

[57:08] I call that bar slug.

[57:09] Come back on the run.

[57:11] Kiss my love gun.

[57:13] Gotta look that'll kill.

[57:14] Boys that'll carry.

[57:16] Happy duster women.

[57:17] Let's think about marriage.

[57:19] Got trouble on my mind.

[57:21] I'm refusing to lose.

[57:22] But still I gotta find to suffer new abuse.

[57:25] So won't you burn spread the news.

[57:27] Hell save the world.

[57:28] Jump the f*** back and just act like you heard it.

[57:32] Call me white devil.

[57:34] Black Jesus.

[57:35] Heaven closing.

[57:37] Hell freezing.

[57:38] Black Jesus.

[57:40] White noses.

[57:42] Heavy crazy.

[57:43] Hell closes.

[57:44] Na-na-na-na-na-na.

[57:47] Say.

[57:48] Na-na-na-na-na-na.

[57:50] Say.

[57:51] Na-na-na-na-na-na.

[57:53] Say.

[57:54] Na-na-na-na-na.

[57:56] Say.

[57:57] Do it.

[58:03] Wa-a-a-a-a.

[58:06] Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa.

[58:25] We'll be right back.

[61:02] Hey, kids, Jimmy needs your help down by the lake.

[61:04] It talks.

[61:06] Kill it.

[61:06] No, no, no, wait.

[61:07] Let's make a hat out of it.

[61:09] Hold on, hold on.

[61:10] Everybody take a deep breath.

[61:11] Let's cook it and eat it.

[61:14] But if you've watched a lot of movies, you'd know.

[61:16] Hey, kids, Jimmy needs your help down by the lake.

[61:19] Let's go about Jimmy.

[61:20] Thanks, Rari, Don.

[61:22] Netflix.com.

[61:23] Rent all the DVDs you want for 20 bucks a month.

[61:27] People used to think the world was flat.

[61:29] It's not that they were stupid.

[61:31] It's just that's what they were told.

[61:34] Then came Magellan, who set sail in one direction and came back around from the other.

[61:39] Now it's your turn.

[61:42] You can settle for someone else's version of the world, or you can bravely embark on a journey of your own.

[61:49] The choice is yours.

[61:58] You're still here?

[61:59] Yeah.

[62:00] Weren't your parents going to call when they landed?

[62:02] Yeah, tell me where to pick them up.

[62:04] No messages?

[62:05] Nope.

[62:06] Well, they should have landed over an hour ago.

[62:12] Don't miss messages because somebody's online.

[62:16] Get Quest voice messaging for your home or business and get free activation and a money-backed account.

[62:20] That guarantee.

[62:23] Voice messaging from Quest.

[62:28] Last summer, you thought you saw it all.

[62:30] But wait, there's more.

[62:32] Scary Movie is back with unbelievable bonus footage.

[62:36] Too shocking to show you on TV.

[62:38] I'm trying to watch a movie in here.

[62:40] Scary Movie on VHS and DVD.

[62:43] It's been on the loose for years.

[62:45] Impressive dubbed him the DC Strangler.

[62:46] Until Mannion takes the case.

[62:48] Let's find this guy.

[62:49] The District All-New CBS Saturday.

[63:00] Thank you.